Living with Hope....

The past few weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me!  I've really been trying so hard to keep God at the front of my mind, remember that this is his perfect timing and will for us, and that whatever happens is His plan.  It's not an easy mindset to have all the time and I find myself starting to panic a lot so I will have to go outside on the porch or in my room and close the door and just pray!  This doesn't just happen once a day, more like 50x a day!  As if the hormones from being almost 27 weeks pregnant isn't enough!  I'm in the stage of my pregnancy where I've become extremely weepy!  I seriously cried two nights ago because I was watching my husband eat Doritos and he was not eating them the correct way!  Don't ask me what the correct way is because I have no idea, all I know is that the thought of eating Doritos slowly (while pregnant) is unthinkable and that crying over something as silly as that is not the type of person I am.  So with that said, it has been a constant fight trying to push aside my emotions and hormones and just focus on what God wants for me!

After a few calculations the other day (which I wish I never did) I came to the conclusion that if we end up getting our new home, closing date will come really close to my 35th week!  This realization had me in a panic because I've had several children at 35 weeks and even have had preterm labor as early as 30 weeks!  So thinking that I could be in labor the day we close on the house is a bit rattling!  So I started to get weepy again!  I believe I cried for two days over the fact that I cannot "nest" and get things ready for the baby, nor do I know where we will be living when the baby actually comes home.  These unknown things are enough to make a pregnant woman crazy!  So fighting against it I went to the Lord in prayer asking for a quick answer and peace!  I just need His peace.

I had decided this time around to attempt my first all natural birth without an epidural!  I had an epidural with all 5 of my children and after the last one I began experiencing nerve pain in my arms and legs that I couldn't get rid of.  After much consideration I decided that it was time to try it naturally.  My husband wasn't on board right away, he said that he didn't know if he could sit there and watch me be in such agonizing pain for that length of time and not be able to do anything about it.  On Saturday we attending 1/3 of our first birthing classes.  We never took any of them with the other children since I had planned to get an epidural, so it was a lot of new information I never knew before!  I was completely shocked by the things that you can actually do while in labor like, moving around, eating, taking a shower, wearing your own clothes!  It was all so foreign to me that I kept struggling within myself "Wait that's not right, you can't eat while in labor!"  lol   Part of me felt sad that I did not do this with the other five, I feel like I missed out on a strong, immediate bond with them when they were first born.

Part of doing a natural birth is being able to prepare yourself mentally that this is what is going to happen.  When I had Sweet-pea, I had in my mind that I would be getting an epidural.  I was in labor from 8pm till 8am.  At 2am, I was given pitocin to make my contractions stronger and I immediately asked for an epidural.  The nurse kept putting me off and at 7am I still did not have my epidural!  I was in severe pain, clinging to the bed, and really REALLY flustered!  Finally after the nurses switched shifts I asked the new nurse for it and had it within 3 minutes of asking!  When the guy came in to do it he said he had a great night of sleep and had not had a call all night long!!  I was SO furious!!   Then while he was putting in the epidural I actually felt her head come down and hit the bed! I had her less than an hour later!  I believe that if I had prepared myself for that birth that I was not going to have an epidural it would have been easier, also if I had learned to move around and work through the contractions instead of tensing up and hanging onto the bed  railing for dear life it would have been a lot better!

With that said I have had in my mind that once my class started for the bradly method I would be putting aside all other things and filling my mind with things to prepare, lots of reading mostly!  I felt a little overwhelmed with all the stuff going on around me with trying to get the new house that it has become super hard to do this!

As I was running some errands yesterday I started thinking about how far I have come over the last two years.  How I made it through some of the darkest times in my life and spiritually what has come of it all.  I started thinking about what life would be like if I did not have the promises of God to fall back on.  I remember being in the darkest place in my life, not knowing how to get out, feeling like the only way out was to end it all, however; deep down I knew it would all be okay.  Now that I am finally in a better place and can actually see outside of the darkness I can look back and be so thankful that even though I didn't think God was near during those times, or even though I didn't feel him at work, I knew in my mind that God always keeps his promises and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  I was so thankful that now in all this stress and uncertainty that I can still do the same thing.  I know without a doubt that God had everything under control, however things turn out is all part of his perfect plan.  I remember a few years ago I lead a small group of ladies.  One of the lessons that week I was teaching was about how as Christians we will always have hope because we know that God has our lives in his hands.  We also tried to imagine life without hope and what a difference knowing God makes in our lives compared to others who do not believe.  I can honestly say that I do not understand how others who do not believe in God even get through one day!  The thought of living your life and expecting to just die at the end with nothing waiting for you is really the hardest life to live in my opinion!  I am just so thankful that through everything I've had the promises of God.

So this week my goal is to continue to work on allowing God to take my burdens, and to continue to trust Him that everything is happening in his perfect timing!

Catching up with an update!

Wow so almost a month of me being silent on the blog!  This must not happen again!   ;)  I am beyond happy that the month of Haties, Oh,  I mean June, if finally over!  Looking back I feel like ti flew by but yet in the midst of it, it felt like it would never be over!  We did get through that crazy 30 days of birthday's, uncelebrated anniversaries, homeschool convention, two weeks of 4 classes that overlapped instead of just 2 classes like normal, and SICK KIDS!!  However, we are still battling sick kids! 

All five kids, as well as Nathan and I have had ear infections, sinus drainage, sore throats, croup, and lots of sleepless nights!  Seeing as how my kids do not go many places except the swimming pool which is so loaded with chlorine to kill germs I can smell it from my car, I'm pretty convinced that it is a result of this bipolar weather we've been having.  Every-time it has gotten hot, then dropped down in the 70's, my kids are sick the next day!  People have told me for the last several years to go out and get an air purifyer!  They tell me that if my kids have allergies (which is what it seems like it is) then that is the way to go!  So I went out the other morning to lowes and bought a new vacuum with a hepa filter.  This sucker is like a space ship!  First of all I've never spent over 60.00 on a vacuume (maybe the reason we have to buy one every 6 months) so I feel like this thing should be able to take me to the moon and back!  It's an electrolux from lowes.  Since it was on sale I didn't feel that horrible for paying so much, but in reality I have paid this much in prescriptions in the last three weeks so hopefully this will help lower that cost; not to mention I better not have to buy another vacuum the rest of my life!  While I LOVE how it pulls the carpet up and the carpet feels so clean after, it does give my arm an amazing work out since it's heavy a sin! 

I also decided that while it's great that when I vacuum we can reduce the dust being thrown into the air, we should also reduce that at all times anyways!  So I bought us an air purifyer.  So far I love it!  I can't say I've seen many results so far as sickness from it yet (I'm hoping that is because we've already inhailed whatever we have), but hopefully it will help with later viruses and allergies!  It does make the house smell fresher, which I love!! 

So I believe this is our last week of Swimming practice.  Pumpkin will have her last meet on Monday, and then they have championships next week, but I don't think Pumpkin will be able to go to those.  I will not miss getting up at 7am and running her to the pool every day, but I know she will miss it dearly!! Swimming has become her favorite thing to do!  She would be at that pool swimming all day long, every day If I let her!  But I'm looking forward to everyone getting well and us being able to enjoy the pool during the day instead of having to lay around the house and get well! 

Normally I will only let the girls do one thing at a time so far as an extra curricular activity.  Little Bear has been talking about how she wants to be a cheerleader, and so has Pumpkin!  Usually in the fall Little Bear does dance, but this year the dance schedule does not really go with our schedule so I think we may take a break from it.  I've been looking into Upward cheering.  It starts in late August/Oct, and I think it will be great that it is something the girls could do together finally!  They love the though of doing things together but they have never found something they both enjoy together!  Pumpkin wasn't much of a ballet person, and Little Bear doesn't like swimming much, so hopefully this will be a happy medium! 

I've been working a lot on school the last few weeks with having so many classes that have overlapped!  It was a huge challenge but I did it!  I did whine and complain about it quite a bit but I pushed through and got everything done!  I just pray that I get a good enough grade on my English essay to keep an A!  I was 1 point away from a B when I turned it in so it will either help me a lot or hurt me a lot!  Yes a B isn't bad but I really would LOVE to keep my straight A status I've been able to accomplish as of right now. If I'm going to pay all this money for an education, I'm going to get smart not just get the diploma!  I also feel like I need to prove to myself that I am smart and can do anything I want!  I've always had so many doubts about myself so far as my intellect, and I'm ready to change that!  Right now I'm taking an Evangelism class, Bible Class, and Math Class.  The Math has been a challenge for me so far!  I have really had to work on this class a lot in order to maintain the A I have in there.  It has been frustrating and challenging and I can't wait to be done with the next 2 math classes I have to finish after this one!  My evangelism class has been pretty easy so far!  I can finish my work for this class in a few hours and I have an A so far.  I have been looking forward to the end assignment which is to lead someone to Christ!  I just hope that God will lead me to someone who will be willing to listen!  Bible has been my favorite!  I have learned so much about reading the bible that I didn't realize before!  I feel like my eyes have been opened to so many things, and I am looking forward to really getting into more of my bible classes!!

So while my main major is in Religion right now, I have been eyeing the paralegal degree.  I found out by one of my advisors that when you get a BS in something, there are so many electives that you have to take for that degree that you can actually get an entire degree in something else just with the electives!  So that is what I'm planning!  I still have to call and confirm that it can be done the way I've planned but by the time I graduate with a BS in religion I will also have a BA as a paralegal!  Why not kill two birds with one stone!

My goals with what I'm going to do with my degree have changed a lot since I first enrolled!  I origionally wanted to go so that I could eventually go to nursing school.  After checking into nursing school I realized that there would be no way for me to do that AND be a full time homeschooling mom that I want to be.  Being a mom to my girls is way more important than school to me.  Maybe in a few years we will be able to take more nursing courses online and it will become possible for me to do this but right now it's not.  Then I thought...Of course...Business!  That would help me with anything I decide to do!  But for me...business is boring!  I would absolutely HATE it!  I have to do something I want to learn about and I'm passionate about.  The first thing I'm passioate about is GOD!  I love God, and there is nothing on earth I would love more than to understand and know the bible front and backwards, and be able to defend my faith with actual historical facts, and just to know exactly what to say anytime of the day in order to show someone that Christ can change their lives!  and #2, fighting for the rights of Christians!  It's funny because when Nathan first went to college he went with the idea that he would be a lawyer.  (he still could be) His reasoning was to fight for the rights of Christians!  I believe that with a bible degree, and a paralegal degree I will be able to help fight for Christian rights, or even accomplish my dream of building a women's shelter since I will have the knowledge of law that I will need in order to help these women with the legal system! 

Everyone one around me just complains about how horrible this world is becoming, how Obama has destroyed America!!  While I can't say I'm an Obama fan at all, I can say it's not all his fault!  Why aren't these people coming against him!?  Why aren't these people fighting to hold up our constitution?  Instead they are sitting back, complaining that he has ruiened our country!  I don't see these people in protest, or getting involved with the up coming campaigns to get him out of office!  Maybe there are some who are doing this, but not enough!!  If I have one gift that God gave me it's the ability to stand firm on his Word!  I have never been great at standing up for myself when people come against me, but come against my God and see how bold I get!  But whatever I end up doing I do not want to do it for a job, but as a ministry!  I don't want to be just any paralegal or person with a bible degree...I want to make a difference, and start a ministry that will help change lives! I just have to figure out what that is!

Well I'm signing off for now.  I just finished reading the last book of the Hunger Games tonight after almost four months of trying to finish!  I liked the ending a lot, the rest of it was hard to get through it was very slow compared to the rest of the books, but I did love the ending.  I'm starting my new book today that has been waiting patiently in my Kindle for months.  "Boundaries: when to say yes, How to say no."  Definately something I need to learn about!!  So well...by for now, i'll be back soon I promise!!