Awakening the heart....

Today has been an emotional day for me.  I'm really letting my mind get the best of me these last few days.  I really wish that we went ahead and got the surgery for Nathan's back when we first got married, but it seems we have chosen to do most things in our lives backwards so why not this too.  We got married, had kids then he finished college.  We had five kids then I decided to go to college.  So why not wait till I'm in college, taking care of five kids and homeschooling...THEN have the surgery.

I have a problem with really realizing that the people I love have health problems.  It's like I hear it, I know it but it never makes it to my heart until it has to.  For instance, six years ago my father was diagnosed with kidney failure.  His entire life turned upside down.  For almost a year or so I tried to ignore that it was happening.  I knew it, I had sympathy for him and wished I could take it away...but I didn't allow myself to feel the pain I should have felt knowing my dad had kidney failure, until I had no choice.  One day he was admitted to the hospital having some issues.  One minuted he was acting fine, had a conversation with me and the next minute I was being pushed against the hospital wall while over 20 doctors came rushing in with paddles and radios and called a code blue.  I just remember being in shock, feeling like the world just blew up around me and I couldn't figure out what was going on.  Life really comes into perspective when you are watching the man who used to rock you to sleep diminishing before your eyes.  He did stabilize and  was in the ICU for a while,  and they did not have to use the paddles on him, however; it was like they used them on me.  That was the first time since finding out he was sick that I actually allowed myself to feel the pain from it.  It became real to me then.

I have a slight problem with putting up a thin wall to guard my heart from things.  That is exactly what I've been doing with Nathan's back for so long.  I've known he has had back issues since the day we met, but I didn't care because I love him and that is all that matters.  I also tried to put the fact that he would eventually have to have surgery out of my mind since it wasn't happening then.  I just figured that when the day came I would deal with it then.  And here I am.  The day is getting closer and closer, and my mind is going a million miles per minute imagining the worse, the best, the in between of every outcome that is possible.  We haven't even scheduled the surgery yet but I feel so nervous about this appointment on Monday, almost like this is the surgery itself!  Probably because this is the preparation for everything and I just don't see how he will be able to walk out of there without them making him schedule surgery.  So needless to say my heart has woken up this week, and it has not been pleasant.

My husband, he is my best friend!  I know it's hard for some to imagine a husband and wife who never want to be apart but to us it's normal.  I've only been away from him 1 week, the entire time we've been married! I do go to mommy's night out's and go out with friends, but there isn't a whole lot in life that I do not want to share with my husband.  I'm so thankful to have found someone who feels the same about me.  Of course we have disagreements and we are different people but he is truly my other half and to be away from him makes it hard to fully function the correct way.  I just wish there was a way for me to take away his pain without him having to go through this, and without our kids having to go through this.

Tonight we were all in the car and Nathan ran into the store to pick up something.  I was telling the girls that we have to spend tomorrow cleaning up and packing because we were going on a mini-overnight-vacation.  I told them that daddy would have to go to the doctor to see if they could fix his back.  They of course wanted to know how that would work, and so I told them that they would put him to sleep and then do surgery to fix his back so he isn't in pain anymore.  Pumpkin says, "But mommy what if he won't wake up?  What if he sleeps forever?"   It was so hard to assure her that he daddy will be okay because we are going to pray that God is with him, when I myself have been having the same thoughts!  But I did tell her that and she was okay with the fact that God was going to take care of him.  If only I could have the faith of my children.  I do trust God, but I trust that he will do HIS will and sometimes what we want is not always in His will.  I just pray that this time it is.  I know it sounds silly to worry this much about a surgery but I have five children who need a daddy, five little girls who NEED a father figure in their lives in order to have a fulfilled life.

So tonight I just broke down!  I just needed a good cry, my heart, mind, and life has been so overwhelmed recently that crying was a good thing.  I believe that Nathan will be okay because God has big plans to use him and he hasn't even started yet!!  But it's just really hard to remember that all the time.  Fully surrendering everything to God, every single day...is something that is so easy yet so hard at the same time.  Worry is my biggest demon!  But like everything else I'm determined to fight that with whatever is left in me to fight with.  It's going to be a long weekend!

A call for prayer.....

We all do things we aren't proud of in times of frustration. I've learned over the years to try and make those moments few and far between because years later I don't want to cringe at the thought of it. I'm also a person who has to have closure. I have never been able to walk away from arguments, accusations, or being wronged without coming to a happy medium. I am a sensitive yet strong person. My main philosophy in life is to think of others before myself, of which I've tried my hardest to do. I can't walk away from someone who is hurting no matter who that person is. If I see someone in pain my heart breaks for that person, and I don't want to leave their side until they are at least smiling again; I tend to carry their burden as well, even if it's someone I'm not close. I've gone through my share of pain over the years and whatever I can do to keep someone else from hurting I will. But there are also those who have chosen not to have a relationship with me, or we just didn't get along, or I've had to walk away from; still I think of each one of those people every day, wishing I could fix things, or just make things right.

 I'm by far NOT a perfect person nor will I ever claim to be. Actually I'm probably one of the most flawed people you will ever meet, which is why I have such a need for Jesus Christ as my Savior. If I was perfect I wouldn't need Him, but it seems like the more that time goes by, the worse I need Him. I don't know if I can blame my revaluation on the fact that I turned 30 this year, but in the last year I've come to some heartbreaking realizations. The world is hateful and they do NOT play fair or nice! While our family is overall happy, Nathan and I have a great marriage and friendship, and our children are happy and loved; we have had a really strange and trying few years. It seems like we can't catch a break in life and no matter what we do or how we respond we get the same reaction from everyone-vengeance!

 Why things like this have been happening to use I have no idea maybe God is testing us, or maybe Satan is trying to keep our family from blessing others; however, something has to give! In the last year, we have had the most unbelievable things happen to us:

 For 5 years, Nathan finished his degree, was a youth pastor, worship pastor, and pastor of christian education. He was made several promises that people would help him start a church, or help him to be ordained and everything fell through. After he finally was ordained, we got to the point that we were so burned out and hurt from "The Church" that we had to have time to heal. We began going to a home-church and slowed way down on doing any type of ministry, and eventually didn't have a home church at all.

In December, I had a falling out with some family members and while we were able to reconcile with some, there are others that we have not.

 In January, I began struggling with postpartum depression. My husband couldn't work because I couldn't take care of the kids. I was in bed for weeks, unable to get up, and then at times I would go for days unable to sleep and started having panic attacks. Nathan finally convinced me to call my OBGYN to make an appointment. When I couldn't make it to that appointment, I called to re-schedule and they said I would have to speak with the billing office. I was transferred to the billing office and the lady told me we owed $30.00 and they would not reschedule my appointment until we paid it. Honestly at that moment I had no idea what we had in our account even though I do the bills. Since I wasn't able to hardly function the last several weeks I was behind on paying things, it wasn't that we didn't have the money it was just that I needed to sit down and look at what needed paid vs. what we had. So I told the lady I would pay it by the end of the month (2 weeks). She said she wanted a payment now and that if we didn't pay now, I couldn't make an appointment and they would send us to Collections. I was confused since I had make a payment the month before I didn't think it would be that huge of a deal. She again argued with me that the bill came out in September and even though we made payments they count it as being 4 month past due because it wasn't paid in full!! I again told her I've been there for 7 years, I've had 5 children at that practice and I've never not paid my bills, please just give me a few weeks I really needed the appointment and It would be paid before I even showed up to be seen. Again she threatened to send it to collections. I got off the phone in tears, feeling like I couldn't get any help! So my husband called her. Again she argued with him and told him the same things and finally after an hour said, "well I guess we could hold the account for two weeks!" So then there was the fact that I needed to be seen. She said she spoke with her supervisor and he said I can't make an appointment till we paid! And was very rude! I tried getting a hold of my doctor thinking that if she just knew the situation she would understand and help out, but she never called me back. Finally Nathan was so upset that no one would help me he gathered up 30.00 in change and took it to the office to pay our bill. While I wasn't happy about his actions I knew he just wanted to get help for his wife who he saw suffering. Two days later I received a certified letter in the mail saying they are refusing to treat me anymore and I need to find another doctor. My heart was completely broken! I couldn't understand how something so innocent as someone trying to get help, turned into this! Yes maybe Nathan shouldn't have gone up there but we were desperate! What bothered me the most is that my doctor didn't even call. After being our physician for 7 years, and never having a problem before this she didn't even wonder why this happened?? The ironic thing is that I had put together a little gift to take to her on my next visit to show her how much I appreciated her.

 In March, we got our trash can repossessed. YES! It wasn't because we didn't pay the bill, it was because they forgot to pick up our trash! Because we have a large family with lots of diapers, we can easily fill up four large trash cans! However we are only allowed to have two. We took our trash down to be picked up one day and they didn't pick it up. Unfortunately we didn't notice it until Friday after business hours so we were unable to call until Monday. They argued with us saying their driver marked it as picked up, but here we had two cans full! For a normal size family it wouldn't be such a huge deal, but for us it is. When our cans are full and we have to put them on the porch, cats and other animals tear into it and then we spend the whole next morning picking it all up! So my husband asked if they could send someone out to pick it up. They told him that they would send him to the voicemail of the owner and he could leave a message. He left a message asking for a call back. The next day...they came and REPOSSESSED our trash can!! When he called to ask why, we were told it was because of a customer service issue and the owner decided to close our account. NO phone call, NOTHING!!

 Now it is April...the last three weeks we've had a virus going through all our kids. We were in a hospital or medical facility 8 our of 9 days, and we were exhausted! Then Nathan's back condition started to get worse. He decided that maybe he needed to get another injection for pain so that we can put off his surgery longer. He called right before the kids got sick and scheduled an appointment. When our daughter ended up in the ER he called to reschedule for the next day but again missed that appointment when we were in the ER again! Now that everyone is finished and well, he called yesterday and apologized for missing his appointment and let them know it was cause our daughter was in the hospital. They scheduled him for an appointment TODAY 4/26/2012 at 2:30pm. Because of the type of injection he has to have a driver after the procedure. So we loaded up 5 children 6 and under, and drove 30 minutes away for our appointment. When we got there I was going to stay in the car with the kids but Pumpkin had to go potty so I unloaded everyone and decided to go up there. When we walked into the office to find Nathan, he was still sitting at a reception desk with a lady behind it talking rudly to him. I asked what was going on and she says, "we do not have an appointment scheduled for him today, but there was one scheduled on the 12th which was rescheduled for the 13th and he didn't show. He also had an appointment scheduled for 4/26/2011 a year ago today at 2:30 but NOT today!" I was so frustrated! I asked her " do you really think that we would drive 30 minutes with 5 children without an appointment?" She says, "even if you did you need a referral which you don't have, and the person he was suppose to see isn't even here today!" I told her that wasn't true, our insurance was open access and we didn't have to have an referral and again she argued with me. She then told me I wasn't being professional, at which I said, "I'm not the one who is employed here to be professional you are." Then she stood up and walked away! 10 minutes later in walks four huge security guards!! SHE CALLED SECURITY ON US!!! The kids were screaming, running crazy in the office, the woman was standing behind the counter with her arms crossed giving a look like "ha, you got yours" and I just broke down crying in the middle of the office sobbing like a baby!! I told her she didn't even try to help us, she was just determined to make this hard, and she should be ashamed of herself that she would do something like this in front of our children!! The kids were scared, I was upset and it was uncalled for! Instead of trying to figure out why our appointment was scheduled for 2011 or asking the new person they hired why she messed up or even trying to fit us in she just wanted to get rid of us!! We also saw the nurse practitioner who we were told was not there, peering through a window at us! I just can't grasp what is happening around us, but as I looked at that lady with tears flowing down my cheeks I just kept thinking "why would she do something like this to us? I would have NEVER done this to her no matter who she was!" This is what always goes through my head when this crazy stuff happens to us, " I would have NEVER treated you this way!"

 Unfortunately the world doesn't care about what our family is going through, or how things effect our family, or even how sincere we are. Someone reminded me a few months ago that the bible says, "do not cast your pearls before swine." I never really understood that saying until recently, but now I've realized that what I value others may not. I value peoples feelings, their hearts, their time, their friendships....but most people don't value those same things. It's not easy living in a world full of people who treat you like you are not valuable.

 I am still struggling with postpartum and really feel like I'm drowning most days, but I have faith now more than ever that God has big things coming our way. While I am a strong person, and I know I can get through this...I'm still human and need support and friends, and most of all PRAYER!! I feel that in my darkest days, everyone had disappeared. No one wants to be around someone who is always having crazy things happen to them, and is always needing venting sessions.

I keep telling myself that this is our Year of Jubilee (or Jubili).  Our 7th year of marriage, in which we had a child named Jubili (Jubilee), and this is the year we will prosper the most!!  In the old testament the 7th year they didn't grow ANY crops, they let their fields rest so that the next year they would have an abundance of fruit!  Hopefully through these trials that is what God is doing with our family!  All we want to do in life is to serve God, and serve his people, but we just keep getting knocked back.  So if you have read this far, our family could really use your prayers.  We really need an army of brothers and sisters in Christ praying for us right now!  Please pray for divine intervention in our lives and God's guidance along with some PEACE!!