Living with Hope....

The past few weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me!  I've really been trying so hard to keep God at the front of my mind, remember that this is his perfect timing and will for us, and that whatever happens is His plan.  It's not an easy mindset to have all the time and I find myself starting to panic a lot so I will have to go outside on the porch or in my room and close the door and just pray!  This doesn't just happen once a day, more like 50x a day!  As if the hormones from being almost 27 weeks pregnant isn't enough!  I'm in the stage of my pregnancy where I've become extremely weepy!  I seriously cried two nights ago because I was watching my husband eat Doritos and he was not eating them the correct way!  Don't ask me what the correct way is because I have no idea, all I know is that the thought of eating Doritos slowly (while pregnant) is unthinkable and that crying over something as silly as that is not the type of person I am.  So with that said, it has been a constant fight trying to push aside my emotions and hormones and just focus on what God wants for me!

After a few calculations the other day (which I wish I never did) I came to the conclusion that if we end up getting our new home, closing date will come really close to my 35th week!  This realization had me in a panic because I've had several children at 35 weeks and even have had preterm labor as early as 30 weeks!  So thinking that I could be in labor the day we close on the house is a bit rattling!  So I started to get weepy again!  I believe I cried for two days over the fact that I cannot "nest" and get things ready for the baby, nor do I know where we will be living when the baby actually comes home.  These unknown things are enough to make a pregnant woman crazy!  So fighting against it I went to the Lord in prayer asking for a quick answer and peace!  I just need His peace.

I had decided this time around to attempt my first all natural birth without an epidural!  I had an epidural with all 5 of my children and after the last one I began experiencing nerve pain in my arms and legs that I couldn't get rid of.  After much consideration I decided that it was time to try it naturally.  My husband wasn't on board right away, he said that he didn't know if he could sit there and watch me be in such agonizing pain for that length of time and not be able to do anything about it.  On Saturday we attending 1/3 of our first birthing classes.  We never took any of them with the other children since I had planned to get an epidural, so it was a lot of new information I never knew before!  I was completely shocked by the things that you can actually do while in labor like, moving around, eating, taking a shower, wearing your own clothes!  It was all so foreign to me that I kept struggling within myself "Wait that's not right, you can't eat while in labor!"  lol   Part of me felt sad that I did not do this with the other five, I feel like I missed out on a strong, immediate bond with them when they were first born.

Part of doing a natural birth is being able to prepare yourself mentally that this is what is going to happen.  When I had Sweet-pea, I had in my mind that I would be getting an epidural.  I was in labor from 8pm till 8am.  At 2am, I was given pitocin to make my contractions stronger and I immediately asked for an epidural.  The nurse kept putting me off and at 7am I still did not have my epidural!  I was in severe pain, clinging to the bed, and really REALLY flustered!  Finally after the nurses switched shifts I asked the new nurse for it and had it within 3 minutes of asking!  When the guy came in to do it he said he had a great night of sleep and had not had a call all night long!!  I was SO furious!!   Then while he was putting in the epidural I actually felt her head come down and hit the bed! I had her less than an hour later!  I believe that if I had prepared myself for that birth that I was not going to have an epidural it would have been easier, also if I had learned to move around and work through the contractions instead of tensing up and hanging onto the bed  railing for dear life it would have been a lot better!

With that said I have had in my mind that once my class started for the bradly method I would be putting aside all other things and filling my mind with things to prepare, lots of reading mostly!  I felt a little overwhelmed with all the stuff going on around me with trying to get the new house that it has become super hard to do this!

As I was running some errands yesterday I started thinking about how far I have come over the last two years.  How I made it through some of the darkest times in my life and spiritually what has come of it all.  I started thinking about what life would be like if I did not have the promises of God to fall back on.  I remember being in the darkest place in my life, not knowing how to get out, feeling like the only way out was to end it all, however; deep down I knew it would all be okay.  Now that I am finally in a better place and can actually see outside of the darkness I can look back and be so thankful that even though I didn't think God was near during those times, or even though I didn't feel him at work, I knew in my mind that God always keeps his promises and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  I was so thankful that now in all this stress and uncertainty that I can still do the same thing.  I know without a doubt that God had everything under control, however things turn out is all part of his perfect plan.  I remember a few years ago I lead a small group of ladies.  One of the lessons that week I was teaching was about how as Christians we will always have hope because we know that God has our lives in his hands.  We also tried to imagine life without hope and what a difference knowing God makes in our lives compared to others who do not believe.  I can honestly say that I do not understand how others who do not believe in God even get through one day!  The thought of living your life and expecting to just die at the end with nothing waiting for you is really the hardest life to live in my opinion!  I am just so thankful that through everything I've had the promises of God.

So this week my goal is to continue to work on allowing God to take my burdens, and to continue to trust Him that everything is happening in his perfect timing!

Our Family Home Organizer

So today I used my afternoon to update my "Home Organizer" binder.  I started this a few years ago when I first discovered Fly Lady, in which they introduce you to the "Control Journal."  I have also researched other emergency/organizational binders on pinterest and came across a great blog with print outs that I also used for my binder at A Craft a Day.  When I first started my binder it was fairly pitiful!  Over the years I have added to it but it has never been quite what I needed it to be until now!  Today was the day!!  I spent my afternoon printing our forms, making my own forms, organizing and putting our entire daily life in one spot in our home!  I am so relieved to have it all finished up and ready to be used!!  So here is the finished product, I hope that it helps to motivate you to get organized as well!

So I have divided my binder into 6 separate sections Cleaning, Cooking, Schedule, Finance, and Projects.  Each divider has a place on the front to hold papers like a folder.  In the very front of my binder I have all our animal shot records along with a place to write down any passwords or Login's that I may not use often enough to remember.  Then in the front of my first pocket (Cleaning) I have our Emergency Information sheet that I typed up myself.  This sheet has a place for emergency phone numbers, Home information, Childrens Names DOB, Pediatrician number, Poison Control, and what hospital to take the children to.  This I keep lose in the folder so that if someone is watching the children I can just remove it from the binder easily and place it on the fridge.

Under the Cleaning section I have a list I have printed out from Fly Lady with weekly cleaning as well as a detailed cleaning list for each room in the house!  Under the cooking Tab I have unclipped Coupons in the front folder, then a printout to write monthly meal plans.  I put each of these meal plans into a page protector so I can use a dry erase marker on them, this allows me to re-use the pages over and over again!  I also have printouts from My Litter.  These printouts are the "Buy it now" Price list, it tells me what a bottom dollar price is on each grocery item, this way I know whether to buy or wait for the price to drop more.  I also have a print out of the Sales Cycles, this tells me what is usually on sale for each month of the year.

In the Schedule Tab, I have my front folder filled with doctor slips for x-rays coming up or blood work that needs to be done.  I also have a Daily Schedule (in a page protector) that can be easily changed if needed, A "My Morning Routine"  for each of the kids, Our Bath Schedule for the week, As well as blank calendars for each month of the year (in a page protector for easy writing).

In the finance tab I have important information such as Bills that need to be paid in the front folder.  I also have a calendar with each bill that will need paid on it's due date so that I know when all my bills are due.

And lastly, I have the project tab...this is where I put my personal projects/research.  At the moment I have all my printouts that I will need to read up on for "Natural Birth" as well as notes I have taken about the "Holy Spirit".

And that is my binder for the moment!  I love that I can just grab it and run out the door if I'm in a hurry and I have everything I will ever need from Menu's to schedules and important documents!

Teaching my daughter(s) to be Godly women...

One thing that was so attractive to me about homeschooling when I first researched it was the ability to disciple my daughter(s) and teach them how to be Godly women.  For the first 5 years of Pumpkin's life I spent a lot of time lingering around homeschool forums and groups, asking questions, learning the philosophy of most homeschool parents.  My favorite thing was the mothers who believed that their children's education was just as important as teaching their children character qualities.  A number of mothers believed that while their children are so young (birth-1st grade-ish) that no formal education is required, only character training!

While I was completely intrigued by this idea, my personality did not mesh well with it.  These were mothers who could make a learning experience out of everything and that just wasn't me!  My mind does not process life that way, I would love for it to but no matter how hard I have tried it just doesn't come naturally to me.  These amazing mothers can turn grocery shopping into learning colors, and numbers, and addition and subtraction; they can make laundry into sorting games and matching games.  While it was my desire to teach my children this way I did not have it in me to do this, in my mind it was more like "lets get this done" rather than "lets count the socks."  Anytime I would ask questions about teaching my children character qualities I never got many good answers.  I guess I was looking for a formal curriculum, my mind has to have a plan, a written down plan of action with ideas and verses that tells me exactly what to teach them!  So we bought our first homeschool curriculum called "My Fathers World."  This curriculum was so exciting to me because of the fact it incorporated character qualities into the curriculum.  While my children learned a great deal from this curriculum, it wasn't EXACTLY what I had in mind so I kept looking.  

This past fall we enrolled my two oldest in Keepers of their Faith.  It is similar to girl scouts but with an emphasis on God and being Godly little girls.  They also learn fun skills such as scrapbooking, cardmaking, decoupage, etc..  While we loved Keepers, again it wasn't exactly what I was looking for in the Character building area.

So after much thought and consideration I decided I need to just make something myself!  So that is my plan.  We have finished the first week of my project and while it is still a work in progress- so far so good!  My purpose is to teach my children not only character qualities but how to be a Godly woman.  This starts at a young age and with such little things such as learning to take a shower!  To some this may seem silly to go step by step off a page just to teach your child to take a shower I mean how hard can that be!

My oldest daughter is 7 and for the last year I had taught her how to turn on the shower and wash herself.  I had thought that I had showed her enough times how to take care of herself and shower, but for some reason every time I would tell her to take a shower she would end up in a bath splashing water up on the ceiling and all over the floor!  I eventually realized after several nights cleaning up that water that maybe, just maybe she did not actually understand what a shower was for or how to actually take one the correct way!  Instead of being upset with her every time I asked her to take a shower, I realized that she just needed a little more guidance and supervision until she understands exactly how to accomplish that goal of showering alone.  You have to tell a 2 year old over and over not to touch hot things for months and sometimes for years until finally one day they understand; a 7 year old is no different.  I pray because she is 7 that she will catch on a little quicker than my 2 year old but in essence parenting a 2 year old and a 7 year old is the same.  We are here to teach them, guide them, and help them understand life not to get frustrated with them because our teaching has failed them.  So I came up with a plan!

I sat down and planned out a shower schedule for my oldest daughter.  With so many in the family and with her being so little still a daily shower isn't always necessary so we threw around options of every other day, every two days, every three days etc., until we came up with what worked for us. Once that was taken care of we began our first week of learning.  The entire first week I went through how to take a shower, put on lotion afterwards, brush your hair, and teeth and sat next to her every step of the way from beginning to the end.  I showed her step by step how to get her pj's before her shower, her towel, how to hang up her towel...everything exactly the way I want her to learn!  After a week of being supervised and walked through the process step by step I gave her the next week to do it on her own.  If I felt she did not do it right or 'forgot' part of the process the next time I will sit with her but for the most part after a week she had it down! 

Not only did she learn this process but she also learned why we take showers, and why it's important to take care of our bodies.  That is one thing I remember from being younger is I never had answers for things.  I never understood why we do the things we do and as I got older and understood better it was easier to make those things a part of my life.  So we learned that the bible says, "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship." Romans 12:1, and "For you were bought with a price.  So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:20, and "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  You are not your own"  1 Corinthians 6:19.  So instead of telling my daughter you need to take a shower so you are not dirty....she now knows why we shouldn't be dirty, she now not only understands our bodies should be clean but that the Holy Spirit dwells within us and we should take care of our temple.  

This may seem like a silly place to start with her but eventually the cleanliness of our own bodies and taking care of our bodies will lead to understanding why we need to keep our rooms and houses clean or be able to cook our dinner!  

So as we progress with this project it will become available on my blog for others to benefit from as well.  Check lists, bible verses, etc.  I'm very excited to see what comes of this project and where it takes my children spiritually!    

Dinner Menu for May-June 12

So I'm not great at sticking to a menu (which is why this is the first post on that on my blog).  With so much to do throughout the day and being so tired and pregnant by dinner-time, it is SO much easier to just call my husband and say "Hey, would you mind picking up some dinner tonight?"

This is how it has been in our home for the last year especially while I was going through PPD.  So after several months of getting things back in order around our home, getting the girls back to doing school, and catching up on laundry and dishes, I sat down to do our budget.  According to my calculations what we spend eating out and going to the grocery store last month was MORE than my mortgage payment!!  I was completely blown away!!

A few years back I had taken up the newest fad of couponing, however; once my post-pardom hit last year that was one of the first things I gave up!  I'm not back on track and ready to save as much as I can!!  I started the first week by getting a newspaper and clipping JUST WHAT I NEED for that week but keeping the inserts for later use.  I then made a menu for the entire month!!  I keep daily tabs on The Krazy Coupon Lady.  While I do not have the space in our current home to stockpile, I have been taking advantage of the freebies and moneymakers she has been posting during the week.  I make 1.50 at Walmart last week just buying a few things that I will never use!  But heck why not if they are paying me to do it!

As of today I am 9 days fast-food/Restaurant free!!  I'm hoping that this will be a great start for us eating not only cheaper but healthier!  One step at a time, first with no fast food then through changing certain items we purchase or making certain things myself in stead of buying them.  All in time though, I'm not trying to get ahead of myself!

So here is the menu for the rest of the month for your convenience.  I know for me it is so much easier to figure out what we will be having for dinner if I see what someone else is planning for their menu.  This first menu is pretty basic but hopefully as time goes on I will be able to get a little more creative with the meals.  Enjoy and if you would like a recipe feel free to ask!

5/28  Tuna Noodle Casserole
5/29 Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes, Green Beans, Rolls
5/30 Breakfast: Eggs, Turkey Bacon, Toast
5/31 Mini naan Pizzas
6/1 Chicken Patty Sandwiches with Sweet potato fries
6/2 Left Overs/Sandwiches
6/3 Taco's
6/4 BBQ Chicken Sandwiches with Cole Slaw
6/5 Chicken Stroganoff, peas, Mashed potatoes
6/6 Whole Wheat Spaghetti, Salad, Rolls
6/7 Homemade Pizza
6/8 HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOBBLE-BOBBLE!!  Homemade cake, Chicken pot pie
6/9 Left Overs
6/10 Hot Dogs, Sweet Potato Fries
6/11 Our 8th Wedding Anniversay!!   Taco Salad
6/12 Golosh, rolls, salad.

Memories...

This week has been a bit emotional for me.  I've tried my hardest not to think about the house and count down the days that the bank has received our newest offer, however; every decision I seem to be making has to revolve around "the house."  I feel at a total standstill yet again, waiting on approval from the bank to go through.  We cannot improve our current home because (1) we need to save every penny we can for moving if it happens and (2) if we rent it out we would do things differently than if we stayed here.  We cannot pack up because we do not know for sure if things will pan out like we hope, and so for now we are just in limbo...waiting.

I have a friend who recently had sold their home and bought another.  Their previous home they had brought all their children home to and made memories in it, however; it was to be burnt to the ground in order to build on the property.  I saw her photos she posted on facebook about it and read all her statuses on how devastated she was to watch their home burn to the ground.  The other night I had a dream that we got the house!  I was a bit sad we were leaving our little rancher that we've brought all our children home to but was ready to make new memories in our new home.  Then I look up and see my friend sitting in her car watching her home.  It was not all the way burnt down like what happened in real life but, the fire was out, and the house was still standing.  You could see it had been in a fire, but the house remained.  My friend just sat there watching her home; tears streaming down her face.  I remember thinking in my dream, "wonder if she is sad it was burnt or happy it is still there."  As I thought about this dream over and over again, it finally started to make sense to me.  Just because the house had been on fire and burnt to the ground doesn't mean the memories will not stand.  We (and she) will always have amazing memories of our families in our old homes.

Tonight when the kids went to bed Nathan and I sat on the porch and enjoyed the 70 degree weather.  We talked about our fears, dreams, hopes, and memories.  We talked about how many neighbors in the houses around us we have seen come and go in the last eight years we've been here.  I told him I feel so stuck right now with not having an answer on the house.  I would be happy in our small house if they say no, but a little disappointed as well.  Then I realized that the first thing I had thought of when we got the news was other family members who need a larger home as well.  How I wanted them to have the house we were getting, how they deserve it more, need it just as badly.  I told Nathan that I just don't feel that I deserve to have that home.  He told me "Toneka, you have prayed for that home for eight years!  God knows the desires of your heart!"  It took all I had to hold back my tears.  I told him about how I just thought it was not coincidental that our neighbors at the new home also had six children and homeschooled.  I had prayed also so many times to be able to be close to a woman with a large family, who homeschooled so I can see how they do things and learn how to be a better mother and teacher for my children.  And he said, "and it's not a mistake, God knows the desires of your heart!"

So, while I feel content either way, I still feel on edge because I cannot move forward with life at this moment.  I'm so thankful that God has even given us this opportunity and has even allowed us to consider another home as an option.  I've just been praying that if it's God's will it will all work out smoothly from the bank approval, to financing, finding a renter for our current home and closing.  Keep your prayers coming!!

God's little blessings...

I feel like it's been forever since I've written a blog post, I have so much to say I almost do not know where to start to fit it all in in a smooth way; so if this post is a bit scattered (lol) that would be why.

April 25th, Nathan and I went to the perinatal center to find out if we were going to have another sweet little girl, or our first son.  I had so much anxiety about it!  On one hand I have been longing for a boy for the last seven years and my desire for that little guy has not subsided one bit, however; on the other I am so unbelievably scared to have a boy!  I've never had a brother so...having a little boy around would be foreign to me, and a bit scary!  I have thought every baby I have had so far was going to be a boy, so I'm not great at guessing, but I was convinced that this one had to be!  All my pregnancies were different in their own way, but this one had one thing that I knew I never experienced before, an aversion to meat!  Mostly beef!  The smell of it, thought of it made my stomach churn!  I also took the gender prediction test that you pay $44.00 for at the drug store and it said BOY, so I was COMPLETELY convinced that this time we were having a boy!  Imagine my surprise when we found out that we were in fact having another baby GIRL!

Of course I did cry for a minute when I found out, I tried my best to hold it together until we left the appointment but when my midwife came in and started asking me questions I just lost it completely!  So many things were going through my head!  Since before Nathan and I were married I felt that God gave me a name for a boy; I have had periodic dreams of that little boy over the last 7 years and have held him and talked to him from the time he was a newborn till he was five years old!  I felt like God has been trying to tell me all these years that we are supposed to have a boy!  I also had told Nathan I thought this was going to be our last child.  I am over 30 now and I'm tired, I do not like pregnancy one bit and each time I do it it has gotten harder than the last.  Does this mean I didn't really hear God?  Does this mean we are supposed to have more children?  Maybe I just clung onto something that wasn't really from God and said it was??  What was going on??!!  My crying and disappointment wasn't because I didn't want another beautiful girl but it was because I thought I knew what God had in store for me and I was wrong!  I spent the remainder of the next few hours doubting my ability to hear the Lord, and doubting my understanding of what he wanted for me in my life.  Then after all the questioning and sobbing, Nathan says to me, "If you never had those dreams we would not have 6 beautiful daughters!  If you never had those dreams, we would have stopped after 2 children!  If we had the boy after the first or second child we would not have anymore than that.  If God didn't give us this desire for another child that we do not have yet, then baby #6 would be our last, but we can have another!"  His words were so true!

I was then reminded of something I had read in one of Beth Moore's books.  She said that she wanted a boy so badly but ended up with a few girls.  She realized that God had given her an amazing task of raising Godly women!  Made me feel a bit intimidated but I think I'm up for the task!

So once I got myself together and was able to take some time to change my mindset that it was now a girl instead of a boy, it was time to find a name!  Again, another thing that makes me anxious!  I feel like we've already exhausted all the names that we've liked so finding another girl name that held up to our standards was going to be a task!  We didn't want something that started with a letter we already had so A, S, E, T, J, were out.  It had to have a good meaning and also be fairly rare, nothing you hear ALL the time.  So after much searching and rummaging through my over used baby name book, we found a name.

     "Vaerity Cossette"  which means "Truthful and Victorious!"

So needless to say I am extremely excited to meet our little girl!  I'm at 24 weeks right now and the days cannot go by fast enough!

So becoming a family of 8 means we have to increase the size of our van.  We no longer will be able to take the entire family together somewhere.  We currently have a 7 passenger van and will now need to upgrade to a 12 passenger!  The downfall we JUST paid off our van so not having a van payment has been wonderful!!  We've also been on the search for another house.  We currently are in the same home that we purchased when we first got married and have been out of room for some time now.  We started looking for homes back in October of 2012 and did not have the best of luck.  We found a white house we loved, put in an offer and it was accepted.  Thirty minutes later they accepted another offer from someone else!  So we went on with the search!  We found a great house that we loved even more than the last one and put in an offer.  The house was a short-sale and so it was possible it would take a while!  So we waited, and waited, and waited....we received a few updates on the house but never good news, then after a 5 month wait we were told that it probably wasn't going to happen, the bank wasn't being cooperative and we need to move on.  So we looked at another home.  It was a forclosure but a great price, we put in an offer and it wasn't accepted.  At that point I was becoming further along in my pregnancy, so we decided that we were going to wait till next year to "look" for a home, however if something came our way that was EXACTLY what we wanted and nothing less we would go look.  Nothing did.

This week we got word that after waiting 7.5 month on the short-sale the bank has finally promised that they will approve and close on the house within 45 day!

This was nothing less than a miracle!  I was excited but kinda numb about it.  Nathan and I went back and forth about if it's the right decision to go ahead with it, while we thought it was perfect for our family we did become content with not moving this year!  I don't want a larger home JUST because it would be more comfortable, or just because we want it, I want it to be God's plan for us!  So after lots of praying we decided to go ahead and resubmit our offer, and if it is God's will things will go smoothly and work out well...if it is not it will fall apart and either one will be fine with us.  So we will be praying and would love others to pray for us through this as well!

In the meantime, we found out the news about the house while we were on vacation.  We had planned to go on vacation with Nathan's family this year but because of our time constraint with the pregnancy and not being able to travel after the second week in July we had to go ahead and go ourselves before then.  The only thing available was Massanutten, which turned out to be a lot of fun with the girls!  We visited the water park, got to ride ponies, went fishing and just had fun together as a family.  I'm so thankful that we are able to give our children fun family memories like this!  I hope they will cherish them forever!!

It's so dark.....

So this may be a bit of a "dark" post for some, others may relate and hopefully actually get something from it.  I've realized the last few weeks that there are so many people around me, myself included, who have been living life in the darkness without anyone else knowing.

Last year I experienced some of the darkest days of my life.  Aside from the many devastating circumstances surrounding those days, I experienced the most terrifying, life changing experience called postpartum depression.  After four successful births without having to experience this, my fifth birth- I was not so fortunate.  Many hear postpartum and just think it's a new mom sitting in her bed crying her eyes out over nothing, but what they do not get is it's not nothing!  Postpartum is one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever gone through.

I will try my best to explain what this feeling is like but unless you have actually gone through it yourself it may not be easy to really grasp.  Let me give you a picture of a typical day in the life of postpartum:  You go to bed the night before only to wake after noon the next day.  When you wake up, you are still so tired and your body feels weak.  Your head feels like it weights 50lbs and the effort it will take to get it off that pillow is not worth it!  You see the sun peaking through the slats on the mini blind and the brightness makes your eyes sting and your body crave pure darkness.  You hear your children outside your closed bedroom door playing and occasionally trying to get in your locked door but you don't want them to see you like this, they will never understand- so you distance yourself from them to protect them.  Your baby cries to be nursed as your husband brings her to you, you latch her on and lay next to her as she eats and that is the only moment all day long you feel like there is any ounce of life in you, and any reason for your being.  Once she is finished your husband takes her away and you go back to your bed, under the covers and cannot stop crying because the darkness is too much but yet so is the light!  Crazy thoughts enter your head about how your children would be better off without you- and they are not thoughts of pity on yourself because you are incapable of having pity on yourself- you are your biggest critic!  No matter how hard you try to get out of that room and go back to the person you used to be, there is no going back, you are stuck in this seemingly never-ending cycle of guilt, regret for not being able to be the mother that you want to be!  When you try to get out of that room and walk out into the living room the light is shocking.  You feel exposed, unable to move, and unable to function- you crave the darkness again!  Ultimately you feel there is no way out!  No way out of this darkened life, this cave you are living in, and you are doing nothing for anyone but making life harder.

Yes that was my entire 2012!  On top of this I had many circumstances in my life that were abnormally traumatic and suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, as well as severe anxiety.

I'm sure most are shocked by my post about this because no one knew that about my life last year except my husband.  Even close friends did not know it was that extreme because I kept most of the details to myself.  I became a very closed and personal person last year.  Where I used to be a completely open book and didn't care what anyone thought, I closed myself down and tried to disappear.  I realized after the first few months of going through this that people didn't want to hear how I felt and what I was going through.  People didn't want to hear me tell them that I was losing myself and was thinking about committing myself because I wanted to end it all!  I had friends walk away from me because my life was too negative for them and I couldn't just talk about positive things!  I realized that the more I talked about it to others, the better I felt, but the less friends I had left.  So I stopped.  I tried a counselor but I just felt like I was talking to a wall when I was there.  They just wanted me to talk and never asked me any questions, then when I was done they were like, "ok see you next time."  I wasn't getting help I needed. I wasn't getting the help I was reaching out for. I had no idea what to do except get through one day and into the next.

This is such a controversial topic for so many, especially Christians.  Christians are each others biggest critics.  We like to look at another Christian and say "Oh there is no way they are saved, they have to take depression medication!" or "I thought they were Christians, did you see who she was hanging out with?" oh and how about "I cannot believe they read The Twilight Series, I thought they were Christians!!"  Seriously Christians- did we receive forgiveness because we are all perfect or did we receive forgiveness because God had grace and mercy on how sinful we are!  Does God really look at that book we read or medication and refuse our salvation because we are human and we are not living according to how other Christians think we should live?  NO!  We are told not to live according to how the world wants us to live, so why should we live according to how Christians in the world want us to live?  We need to live according to how the bible tells us to live!  This is the exact reason that people feel that they cannot express what they are going through to others for help because they will be told "you aren't relying on God by having to be on medication, or because you are feeling that way, you are a sinner!"

I took my seven year old out today to panera for lunch.  We sat and talked a bit while we were eating and after a while I heard a woman behind me say, "isn't it such a beautiful day!"  I looked behind me and there was an older lady standing up to leave.  I replied, "it sure is I've missed the sunshine!"  She began talking to me and we discovered we were both Christians and she actually knew my husband's family.  She began to tell me that she has had the worse few weeks of her life.  Her 38 year old son had tried to kill himself by blowing himself away with a gun!  Her husband an a worker on their farm had found him on the property and rushed him to the hospital.  They were all Christians, the husband, the wife, his three kids.  They all began praying for a miracle!!  He ended up surviving and within 2 days he was in the step-down unit!  He did suffer some brain damage but he was alive!  The doctors were completely shocked and asked them "what did you guys do?" they said "we just prayed!"  The sad thing and the thing that stuck out to me the most was that NO ONE KNEW ANYTHING WAS WRONG!  A grown Christian man who probably felt like no one wanted to hear it, was in such a dark place and couldn't see a way out that he felt the best thing was to take his own life.

Since last year I have overcome the depression tremendously.  Since getting pregnant again I did have a slight relapse and fell back into it for a while recently but this time was different.  I'm not sad like I was, I don't cry, I just couldn't get out of my room.  I have good days and bad, more good this week and as the days go on it has gotten better!  I realized that while in a situation like this it is so easy to tell someone "just read your bible," or " just cry out to God" but what we don't realize is that the entire experience people ARE crying out to God but their situation is staying the same.  Why is it staying the same?

James 1:2 "count it all joy my brothers when you face trials of different kind..."  SERIOUSLY!  So in the middle of the darkest days of my life, instead of crying out to God "FIX THIS" or "HELP ME" I should try to find joy?   How in the world do you do that?  Well I can tell you now its not through seeking out friends to lay all your burdens on, at least it wasn't for me.

A few weeks ago while struggling with a milder version of this I really felt like I was finally hearing God after all this time.  I realized that I have been so suffocated by the darkness that I was incapable of finding joy, or light anywhere around me.  There was nothing positive, there was nothing I could hold onto and know I could get to the other side with, the darkness clouded my thinking.  All I needed to do was to stop looking at the darkness, stop trying to figure out how to get out of it and concentrate on worshiping my Maker!  The God who made dark and light, the God who created heaven and earth, and the God who gave me my very breath.  No I'm not talking about reading my bible, or even praying...I'm talking about WORSHIPING!   That is where the Joy is!

The lady at Panera concluded her story with this:  She told me that after her son was stable she drove out to the site where they had found him on the farm.  She said that it was a very dreary cloudy day and the sun was nowhere in sight!  As she sat in her car staring at the place her son had shot himself she felt like God told her to get out of the car and WORSHIP him!  She walked over to the spot he was found and lifted her hands to the Lord; as she did the sun started peaking through the clouds and it got brighter and brighter until it was just so unbelievably bright she couldn't take it anymore and had to go back to her car.  A few minutes later a worker on the farm came over to say hello, she asked him "have you seen the sun come out today?"  He said, "no ma'am the sun has been behind these clouds all day, not even a glimpse!"

This lady could have embraced the darkness of that car and the sorrow of her problems and life that she was living, but she decided to just step out of the car and throw up her hands and she found the light- simple as that!

I decided after my conversation with God a few weeks ago to Worship.  I came out of my room, walked into the lit up living room and turned on a Hillsong DVD.  My body was cringing from the light and ached for the darkness again, but as I began singing and Worshiping the maker of light an darkness, all that faded and it was just me and Him standing together in the light.  No more sorrow, no more pain, no more darkness, just pure light.

Please do not judge your fellow Christians to be sinners just because they struggle with something that they need help getting out of, and please do not walk away from someone who does not have the strength to see light in the darkness.  Just because we are Christians does not mean that we cannot walk through a dark tunnel and get lost- be the voice at the other end helping them find the light again!  I get it can be draining, I've been on both sides of the story, but the level of involvement does not have to be extreme. Lending an ear to listen, a text that you are thinking of them, a email that you have prayed for them today!  You do not have to spend hours on the phone with that person counseling or reciting bible verses, but do drop them lines of encouragement!  You will never know how much one small message that says, "thinking of you" can mean to someone who feels the world has forgotten all about them.