Catching up with an update!

Wow so almost a month of me being silent on the blog!  This must not happen again!   ;)  I am beyond happy that the month of Haties, Oh,  I mean June, if finally over!  Looking back I feel like ti flew by but yet in the midst of it, it felt like it would never be over!  We did get through that crazy 30 days of birthday's, uncelebrated anniversaries, homeschool convention, two weeks of 4 classes that overlapped instead of just 2 classes like normal, and SICK KIDS!!  However, we are still battling sick kids! 

All five kids, as well as Nathan and I have had ear infections, sinus drainage, sore throats, croup, and lots of sleepless nights!  Seeing as how my kids do not go many places except the swimming pool which is so loaded with chlorine to kill germs I can smell it from my car, I'm pretty convinced that it is a result of this bipolar weather we've been having.  Every-time it has gotten hot, then dropped down in the 70's, my kids are sick the next day!  People have told me for the last several years to go out and get an air purifyer!  They tell me that if my kids have allergies (which is what it seems like it is) then that is the way to go!  So I went out the other morning to lowes and bought a new vacuum with a hepa filter.  This sucker is like a space ship!  First of all I've never spent over 60.00 on a vacuume (maybe the reason we have to buy one every 6 months) so I feel like this thing should be able to take me to the moon and back!  It's an electrolux from lowes.  Since it was on sale I didn't feel that horrible for paying so much, but in reality I have paid this much in prescriptions in the last three weeks so hopefully this will help lower that cost; not to mention I better not have to buy another vacuum the rest of my life!  While I LOVE how it pulls the carpet up and the carpet feels so clean after, it does give my arm an amazing work out since it's heavy a sin! 

I also decided that while it's great that when I vacuum we can reduce the dust being thrown into the air, we should also reduce that at all times anyways!  So I bought us an air purifyer.  So far I love it!  I can't say I've seen many results so far as sickness from it yet (I'm hoping that is because we've already inhailed whatever we have), but hopefully it will help with later viruses and allergies!  It does make the house smell fresher, which I love!! 

So I believe this is our last week of Swimming practice.  Pumpkin will have her last meet on Monday, and then they have championships next week, but I don't think Pumpkin will be able to go to those.  I will not miss getting up at 7am and running her to the pool every day, but I know she will miss it dearly!! Swimming has become her favorite thing to do!  She would be at that pool swimming all day long, every day If I let her!  But I'm looking forward to everyone getting well and us being able to enjoy the pool during the day instead of having to lay around the house and get well! 

Normally I will only let the girls do one thing at a time so far as an extra curricular activity.  Little Bear has been talking about how she wants to be a cheerleader, and so has Pumpkin!  Usually in the fall Little Bear does dance, but this year the dance schedule does not really go with our schedule so I think we may take a break from it.  I've been looking into Upward cheering.  It starts in late August/Oct, and I think it will be great that it is something the girls could do together finally!  They love the though of doing things together but they have never found something they both enjoy together!  Pumpkin wasn't much of a ballet person, and Little Bear doesn't like swimming much, so hopefully this will be a happy medium! 

I've been working a lot on school the last few weeks with having so many classes that have overlapped!  It was a huge challenge but I did it!  I did whine and complain about it quite a bit but I pushed through and got everything done!  I just pray that I get a good enough grade on my English essay to keep an A!  I was 1 point away from a B when I turned it in so it will either help me a lot or hurt me a lot!  Yes a B isn't bad but I really would LOVE to keep my straight A status I've been able to accomplish as of right now. If I'm going to pay all this money for an education, I'm going to get smart not just get the diploma!  I also feel like I need to prove to myself that I am smart and can do anything I want!  I've always had so many doubts about myself so far as my intellect, and I'm ready to change that!  Right now I'm taking an Evangelism class, Bible Class, and Math Class.  The Math has been a challenge for me so far!  I have really had to work on this class a lot in order to maintain the A I have in there.  It has been frustrating and challenging and I can't wait to be done with the next 2 math classes I have to finish after this one!  My evangelism class has been pretty easy so far!  I can finish my work for this class in a few hours and I have an A so far.  I have been looking forward to the end assignment which is to lead someone to Christ!  I just hope that God will lead me to someone who will be willing to listen!  Bible has been my favorite!  I have learned so much about reading the bible that I didn't realize before!  I feel like my eyes have been opened to so many things, and I am looking forward to really getting into more of my bible classes!!

So while my main major is in Religion right now, I have been eyeing the paralegal degree.  I found out by one of my advisors that when you get a BS in something, there are so many electives that you have to take for that degree that you can actually get an entire degree in something else just with the electives!  So that is what I'm planning!  I still have to call and confirm that it can be done the way I've planned but by the time I graduate with a BS in religion I will also have a BA as a paralegal!  Why not kill two birds with one stone!

My goals with what I'm going to do with my degree have changed a lot since I first enrolled!  I origionally wanted to go so that I could eventually go to nursing school.  After checking into nursing school I realized that there would be no way for me to do that AND be a full time homeschooling mom that I want to be.  Being a mom to my girls is way more important than school to me.  Maybe in a few years we will be able to take more nursing courses online and it will become possible for me to do this but right now it's not.  Then I thought...Of course...Business!  That would help me with anything I decide to do!  But for me...business is boring!  I would absolutely HATE it!  I have to do something I want to learn about and I'm passionate about.  The first thing I'm passioate about is GOD!  I love God, and there is nothing on earth I would love more than to understand and know the bible front and backwards, and be able to defend my faith with actual historical facts, and just to know exactly what to say anytime of the day in order to show someone that Christ can change their lives!  and #2, fighting for the rights of Christians!  It's funny because when Nathan first went to college he went with the idea that he would be a lawyer.  (he still could be) His reasoning was to fight for the rights of Christians!  I believe that with a bible degree, and a paralegal degree I will be able to help fight for Christian rights, or even accomplish my dream of building a women's shelter since I will have the knowledge of law that I will need in order to help these women with the legal system! 

Everyone one around me just complains about how horrible this world is becoming, how Obama has destroyed America!!  While I can't say I'm an Obama fan at all, I can say it's not all his fault!  Why aren't these people coming against him!?  Why aren't these people fighting to hold up our constitution?  Instead they are sitting back, complaining that he has ruiened our country!  I don't see these people in protest, or getting involved with the up coming campaigns to get him out of office!  Maybe there are some who are doing this, but not enough!!  If I have one gift that God gave me it's the ability to stand firm on his Word!  I have never been great at standing up for myself when people come against me, but come against my God and see how bold I get!  But whatever I end up doing I do not want to do it for a job, but as a ministry!  I don't want to be just any paralegal or person with a bible degree...I want to make a difference, and start a ministry that will help change lives! I just have to figure out what that is!

Well I'm signing off for now.  I just finished reading the last book of the Hunger Games tonight after almost four months of trying to finish!  I liked the ending a lot, the rest of it was hard to get through it was very slow compared to the rest of the books, but I did love the ending.  I'm starting my new book today that has been waiting patiently in my Kindle for months.  "Boundaries: when to say yes, How to say no."  Definately something I need to learn about!!  So well...by for now, i'll be back soon I promise!!

Update on my assault in the driveway....

So just a quick update about yesterday.  I saw my neighbor outside today and wanted to go talk to her but was a little worried she would be upset with us; so I took a breath, prayed that God would give me the words to say and walked out the back door.  When I looked up she was smiling at me and said "HEY!"  (I was so relieved!)  I said hello back and told her I was so sorry that we called the cops yesterday and that I said something to him but it just got under my skin and I can't let people talk like that about my family.  She said, "oh no, you didn't do anything wrong at all I would have probably been even worse if it were me!"  I also told her that I believe God doesn't waste anything and that if this happened to us because she needed to see his true colors then I would gladly go through it all over again for her!  She said that that is exactly what it did, it really opened her eyes and she hasn't talked to him since.  I also learned he had a lot to drink, and had two other altercations with people at other places before he came to her house and took it out on us.  He has a lot going on in his life so we'll be praying for him that things will make a turn for the better for him!

Assaulted in my driveway.....

So today was suppose to be a great day!  Nathan had physical therapy this morning and then I got the kids ready, and piled them all into the car once he got home.  We went to vote, then headed to the Pediatricians office for a well baby check up for Goobies and Pumpkin.  After their check up we drove the girls over to their swimming lessons and then headed home.  Grandma was coming over to watch the kids tonight so that Nathan & I could go out on a date to celebrate out 7 year anniversary.  (I was beyond excited!)  We had planned to go to the Cinnebistro at Stony Point; the place you can watch a movie while you eat dinner!  I've heard amazing things about it so wanted to try out something new.  Anyways, so we pull in the drive way and his mom had gotten here before us.  She was sitting on the steps and looked a little weary.  When I got out of the car she asks us if we know the guy that is over next door to us?  I told her we didn't have a guy next door but that he was a friend of the lady who lives there, but we've never met him or talked to him.  She says that while she was waiting on us to get home she heard him outside saying, "His mom needs to kick his A** and make him get to work!"  Then she heard him say, "I don't care if they hear me over there or not!"  She said that she stood up and said, "excuse me, but are you talking about my son?" The man told her YES!  He told her that sometimes he sees him walking with a cane, and then other times he isn't, and then he is in the backyard playing with the kids!  She told him that Nathan has a back condition and the guy just went off on her!

As I'm listening to her tell me this I watch his truck drive past our house and into the drive way next to us.  I'm standing on the drivers side of the car but still needed to get the baby out of the other side and was just in shock and furious at the same time that this happened!  I walked around the car and he was looking out his window the entire time glaring at me, so I glared back at him.  I got the baby out turned back around and he was still glaring at me!  The kids were on the porch and the more I kept playing what he said over and over in my mind and thinking "how dare he say that about us and he has no idea what we've been through!"  I couldn't hold it!  I looked back and he was still looking at me so I said, "Do you have a problem with my family?"  And he blew!  He again started saying horrible things, cursing in front of my kids, talking about how he pays for us to live because Nathan probably is paid by the government and one day he has a cane the next day he doesn't etc..  Then he started cursing at me and Nathan stepped down off the porch and said, "DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO MY WIFE LIKE THAT, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?"  (the lady next door shook her head yes)  He then kept going on and on about how he pays for our government assistance at which I replied, "we don't get paid a cent from the government!"  And he just kept going...so ...I told Nathan...Just call the cops!  So he did.  Our neighbor felt we made a big deal by doing this but to me this was not a huge deal because he was assaulting my family, myself and cursing in front of my children!!

When the cops got here they said we should come down to the station and file charges and get a warrant for his arrest.  I told them I'd just like to have them talk to him and make him leave us alone because I don't want to have anyone arrested and have to go through all that but I just don't want him cursing in front of my family!  So they went over and talked to him.

This put a little kink in our anniversary plans. We ended up not going tonight.  I was so taken back by how evil people can be.  I've never experienced things like what we've been experiencing this year and I'm really just taken back by how selfish people are in this world!  I keep trying to figure out how someone who has never met us, never talked to us can spend their tuesday evening sitting on the porch talking about us badly!  This man did not even care to know the truth of what is going on in our lives, what is wrong with Nathan's back, or what we've been through; he just wanted to group us into a group of other people who cheat the system and don't really have disabilities or maybe just take his own problems out on us.  The fact is, Nathan is not drawing any form of disability.  Could he?  YES!  But he doesn't want too!  Does he walk with a cane?  SOMETIMES, because after a long day of work, or when walking around shopping it hurts his back and the cane helps to take some of the pressure off.  Does he play with his children in the backyard?  YES, my husband is a great man who pushes through his own pain and stands for 30 minutes in the yard (sometimes longer) pushing our children on a swing or throwing a ball to them, or watering the garden!  This man has no idea how hurtful it is to me to watch a grown man (nathan) squirm all night long flinching in pain, tossing and turning, too tired to wake up because he never sleeps well, but in so much pain he can't lay still.  Does Nathan go to work? YES, but occasionally he has not been able to because of his pain, or because he had a period of time where he was getting his pain management under control so he could be at work.  DOES AMERICA PAY OUR FAMILY TO LIVE?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!   He should be ashamed of himself for assuming such things about people without asking.

I realize this man was probably going through some troubles of his own and needed someone to take it out on, so I hope that the fact that he ruined our anniversary tonight was enough to make him feel better.  As for us, well, I'm still in shock that people I don't even know are making such horrible assumptions about my family, I'm happy I was brave enough to question him because I will not tolerate people saying horrible things like that to or about my family!  I'm not angry at him (now), but I do feel upset that my kids had to hear such things being said about their father and mother.  I'm sad that just because my husband has a condition that MOST people do not understand the severity of they are quick to judgement.  But I'm praying this happened for a reason.  I believe that God never wastes our pain and whatever reason he had for us to stay home tonight, feel threatened and hurt by this man I'm sure was worth the sacrifice of our date.  I just pray that there can be peace and restoration between us and our neighbor after this incident.  Maybe I shouldn't have called the cops, but at that time I was shaking, crying and didn't know how else to get him to stop.  Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to him, but that is my family!  I don't know I keep going over and over it in my head trying to figure out why this happened and I have no good answers.

Baby #6 ????

Naaaaa.......Crazy last few days!  So we had our first false alarm this week, we've never had quite an experience like this.  Most people have two questions that they eventually ask us, (1) "are you gonna try for the boy?"  and (2) "Do you use birth control?"  Well here are those answers for the entire world to see..  (1) we have never tried for any child we have, they have all been given to us graciously, and (2) no we do not use the pill.  These two things are very difficult for people to swallow because America is about convenience and it's never convenient to have five children in seven years!  All my life I've heard about having "peace and quiet" and "relaxing" and "having ME time"  and well...who knows maybe this is my way of being rebellious; with five children you don't get any of that, but it's still great!!  So this week I was late...I began to get a little scared because I'm NEVER late unless....  So sent Nathan to CVS and took a test...it looked negative but I could see a light blue line that would make it positive.  So...I took the second one...same thing but a little darker.  So yes...I began to go pregnancy test nutty and bought like one of each type and took about 7 in one day!  All the rest were negative!!  2 (lightly positive) and 5 negative!  I just couldn't understand it!  So I waited till the next morning and took another...negative...the next morning...negative!!  It was making me crazy!  So finally I was able to positively say this morning that we had two false positives and I pray that I never have to go through that again!   What a horrible trick to play on people, especially when it's baby #6 and you have to start preparing right away because 8 people means: 12 passenger van, larger kitchen table, moving the kids into the master bedroom so they all fit in the house....it's a lot of preparation!   I do have to say I did feel sad when I finally found out it was negative, even though life would be outrageously crazy if that did happen again so soon...well it would be outrageously wonderful too to be blessed with another mini-Cooper!  They are all so great!!  However having a little break is more than okay with me right now, but If God decides the time has come for #6 I will be more than thrilled!

So Friday was Hobble-bobble's 3rd birthday!  That girl is just the sweetest kid ever!!  She is obsessed with Veggie Tales; Larry Boy in particular!  We are completely running out of Veggie Tales toys to get her for her birthday's and Christmas!  Hopefully they will come out with more later.  So this year for her...she doesn't get a huge party...we invited a few of our friends over next saturday for a cook out but other than that...we had cupcakes and gave her gifts as a family.

Friday was also the Homeschool Convention.  It was awesome!  The used book sale this year wasn't as great as the last few years but we did get more time to check out all the vendors this year and the last two years we have not.  The girls really enjoyed it this year, they met a few homeschool children who were their age but in a family of 8 kids!  They really liked the music booth where they could try out violins and instruments.  Nathan and I bought a parent package from www.doorposts.com while we were there.  It is amazing stuff!  I've always said that If only I had a step by step program that told me how to discipline for what offense, I'd be great!!  That is exactly what this is!!!  I'm so beyond excited.  It's a book that is split up by offense, when a child lies, steals, is selfish, disobedient etc.. you open it to that page and read scripture to your child about that subject and why it's not good to do.  They also have a chart to put on the wall that tells the child what their consequences are for certain crimes.  We started out doing this today, we still have to work out a few kinks with it but so far so good!  By the end of the day it was "here comes mom and dad with the bible book again!"  lol   but they are getting it and we are able to discipline the way we've always wanted to through prayer and scripture, it's been great!

So today, we woke up early and cleaned up the house.  The girls and Nathan helped me in the living room, and hallway, and then I started on the girls room while they ate lunch.  When we were finished they all went down for quiet time while Nathan worked on tightening and replacing screws on the swing set outside, and I started packing for the pool.  I laid out swimming suits, towels, cut veggies and fruits for snacks, filled up cups, packed a diaper bag, packed clothes and underwear for afterwards, made a bottle and found shoes.  When we got to the pool I lathered the kids with sun screen and they were off!!  Three hours swimming and we were headed back home to play outside!  We ordered pizza and sat on the back porch an ate.  Then Nathan and I laid on the trampoline while the girls jumped around us and we tried grabbing them and pulling them down on top of us to tickle.  Once we got inside it was 8:30pm and I filled up the bathtub for all the girls, washed them, dried them and sent them to pick up toys in their room.  We all then laid in Little Bear's bed together while I read a story to all the kids and then they were sound asleep!!  We wore them out!!!`

Our week has been filled with so much that I haven't even made it to start on my school work that is due monday night by 11:59pm!  I have two days but I'm SO exhausted!!  Monday will be our wedding anniversary.....so we may have to put off our celebration till Tuesday instead.  I'm so thankful that I've been able to have the last eight years with the love of my life!  I could not have asked God for a better man!  I'm so undeserving of him, yet thankful I have him!

~HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!

Potty training is not one of my strengths......

Gosh it seems like forever since I last posted, but it really was only a few weeks.  We are in the middle of operation: "get through the first three weeks of June" right now and still chugging along!!  Our busiest three weeks of the year!  Little Bear had her recital on the 2nd, she did fantastic!  She knew all her dance moves and looked beautiful on stage!  I think her favorite part was getting to put on make-up and then getting flowers from daddy and grandma afterwards!  She loved her flowers!!!

We left the recital right after her performance and rushed everyone back home.  Grandma came and stayed the rest of the evening with the kids while Nathan & I dressed up (super) nice and headed to the Jefferson Hotel for my sweet neighbors wedding.  I'm totally going to miss my neighbor Michelle across the street!  She has been an amazing friend the last few years that she has lived there; but I am EXTREMELY excited that she has found the love of her life and is happy!  Her wedding was beautiful!  She was exquisite!  I don't believe I've been to a wedding that fancy before in my life and it was the most fun I've had since my own wedding!   It was nice to get out and have some time to dance, and have a nice dinner, and celebrate the beginning of her new marriage!

On Monday,  Pumpkin & Little Bear had their first swimming lessons!  They were so excited to swim; Pumpkin did great!  She went under the water, jumped in and kicked around on the kick board.  Little Bear was a little more difficult but she is coming along slowly.  She is so afraid to put her face in the water!  So tonight after three days of lessons and her still having trouble, I filled up the bathtub and put her in it.  I figured out that she didn't understand what they were trying to tell her about blowing air out under water and holding her breath.  So I knelt down next to the tub, showed her how to hold her breath, showed her how to blow out, showed her how to blow bubbles and then before she knew what happened I closed my eyes and stuck my entire head under the water.  When I came back up her eyes were HUGE!  lol, she said, "wow mom your hair looks horrible!!"  LOL!  I told her that I wanted to show her how easy it was to go under water.  She finally started putting her entire face under, and then a little more of her head.  We aren't all the way there but we have made progress!!   I came out of the bathroom my hair standing straight up and wet and my shirt soaked all the way down to my pants.  Nathan was like, "what in the world are you doing in the bathroom!!"  hahah!!

So over all today has been a great day!  My friend Anya came over and watched the kids play outside while I got to clean up the kitchen.  I'm so excited to have them coming over once a week or so to play and then go to the pool with us!  Life will be so much easier once I have that little bit of extra time during the day to clean up without having to chase the kids around.  She has been a lifesaver!

So the rest of the week, we are in double time still!  Tomorrow we have swim lessons again, Friday we have the homeschool convention and Hobble-bobble will turn 3!  Saturday...we are going to the pool and somewhere in between the next three days I need to go to the grocery, get Hobble-bobble a present, write my list of curriculum I'm looking for at the convention, and finish my school work!

I've also decided to put Hobble-bobble back in diapers!  I knew it was too good to be true that she decided to potty train herself a few weeks ago!!  She was doing great and then....her room started smelling like pee!!  Her panties kept going missing, or she would go through like 10 pair a day!!  We figured out that she would sit on the potty WITH her panties ON and then pee instead of taking them off!!  THEN, it began...just like Pumpkin...she started peeing EVERYWHERE!!  Our carpet sounds completely like pee! It's so nasty!!  So we will be having a carpet cleaning SOON!  So she is back in the baby diapers!!  I'm also fighting with Sweet-pea because she is desperate to go potty like everyone else, but I forbid it!!  She keeps taking her diaper off everytime she pees or poops in it!  When she poops, she takes off the diaper, throws it over the gate into the kitchen, (yes with the poo still in it) and goes and sits on the potty....with poop all over her butt!! I'm cleaning pee and poo ALL THE TIME!!  I HATE potty training!!  So I think I may make a trip to Michaels and buy some pretty duct tape and secure these diapers already!!

So I'm off to finish out the week strong!!  Till next time.....

We have a date for surgery......

We've had a rough couple of days this week.  Nathan got his last shot for a while on Tuesday which has caused him to not feel very good at all the last couple days.  I don't know if it was the shot itself, the combination of the shot and his medication, or maybe he is coming down with the virus we've all had; but whatever it was he has not been himself.

Tuesday we packed up the kids and drove to St. Mary's for his last shot for a while.  The girls and I waited in the car while he went inside.  From the moment he got back in the car he was a mess.  His back has been in so much pain he cannot move!  Every time he has had a shot the next few days have been really tough pain wise.  One of the side effects is that his pain will become inflamed and this time that has been an understatement.  For two days, he has felt hot and cold, nauseous and restless, and has not been able to do anything.  My mother in law has been coming over to help watch the kids when I have errands to run because he can't do it anymore which has made things pretty tough.

 We also spoke with his surgeon's office Tuesday and they let us know that his surgery is scheduled for October 5th.  It has been a little emotional for both of us to actually have a date now when it will take place, but then again it's a little bit of a relief that he will not have to be in so much pain for much longer.  We will go back to Charlottesville in August for one last appointment before the surgery.  We will get all the details of surgery day and accommodations for the girls and I then.  They will also be taking a CAT scan of his spine then in order to plan out his surgery.  But for now we are trying to keep him comfortable which has been proving to be more and more challenging every day!

I wish we would have re-scheduled his shot for next week instead of this week with all we have going on!  Little Bear had recital photos yesterday, today is rehearsal, friday we have someone coming to give us a 2nd estimate on our fence for the back yard, and Saturday we will be running between recital and a wedding.  His shot put a little kink in things, so far as, him not being able to keep the kids when we go to rehearsal, and photos, and the grocery store etc.  But my mother-in-law has been a huge help.  She picked up some milk for us last night and took her lunch break yesterday to be here with Nathan & the girls so I could take Little Bear for pictures.  I've been really thankful to have her help!

So today Nathan will have physical therapy this afternoon, before we head to rehearsal for Little Bear.  I'm praying that he will feel well enough to at least sit in the car with them while we are there!  Meanwhile, I've been chasing Sweet-pea around the house all morning long trying to keep her diaper on her!  lol  This kid (21 mo) is determined to use the potty, and I'm determined she is going to wear the diaper!  Ever since Hobble-bobble has been going potty, she has had to be a big girl too!  She will pull off the diaper (poop and all) and sit on the potty until I come in a make her put on another one.  Five minutes later I find that diaper laying in the hall and her sitting on the potty!  lol  I am just so scarred from potty training Pumpkin that there is no way it can be this easy with Sweet-pea!

On the upside, I received an email last night from Liberty University, that I have made the Dean's list!!  My GPA was a 4.0 this past summer semester!  This is HUGE for me considering I haven't even made honor roll since Elementary school, and it's been 12 years since I graduated High School!  I never thought I'd actually be in college, let alone that I'd be on the Dean's list!  I just hope I can keep my grades up that high throughout the next 3.5 years!

So with that here is hoping our day goes smoothly today!!

Egg Shells.....

The one thing I hate the most about myself is my nervousness!  I get nervous all the time about stupid little stuff!  I guess it's more anxiety.  I get it when I'm around new people, groups of people I don't know, one person, I get anxiety when I'm trying to fix relationships with people, when something unbelievable happens in my life, when I'm driving, when Nathan drives to work, and most of all when someone else is driving.  I've had anxiety issues most of my life but never realized it was such a problem until the last few months.  At least two to three times a day something makes my heart pound, my chest heavy where I can't hardly breathe, and some kind of fear sets in; sometimes I get shaky and sick to my stomach as well.

The first time I ever dealt with anxiety was when I was 20 years old.  I was in several car accidents in a short period of time (all of them were the fault of others), and one in particular just really put me over the edge.  I stopped at a stop light and looked in my rear-view mirror; I actually watched another car slam right into me without even trying to slow down!  After that was when my anxiety showed up (or at least I was able to recognize it but I called it fear).  I couldn't drive a car for weeks without being in tears and shaking the entire drive!  It didn't help that the person I was in a relationship with at the time used my fears as his entertainment!  I would ask him to drive behind me on the way to and from places when we were in separate cars so that someone didn't tailgate me (when people got too close was when I panicked), and he would tailgate me on purpose the entire way to our destination, again causing me to be in tears the entire drive.  Anyways, so when I finally got over the not driving, and having to have someone drive behind me, I realized that I couldn't ride with other people because I would start panicking.  I would press my foot on the floor in the passengers side if I felt we were not stopping fast enough; I would also hang onto the side of the seat, and the door bracing myself the entire ride!  So I finally decided that I just can't let anyone else drive, and I would have to drive everywhere from now on, and I still do!  Occasionally, Nathan will drive, but not that often, and when he does that fear creeps back into my life.

This has effected me in other ways over the years.  And I didn't even realize it was anxiety until recently.  I have a fear of walking into a room full of people I do not know.  Because of this I did not take my ACT's or SAT's when I was in High School because I couldn't bring myself to walk into a room of people staring at me!  I often feel that I am the problem when things go wrong.  I examine, and re-examine myself during conflicts, I go over and over my actions and my words, and question everything I say or do within that conversation or confrontation, that might have caused the other person to react the way they did.  Even when things clearly are not my fault, I still find a way to beat myself up over it, "maybe if I had just said things clearer,"  "Why did I say it that way, it's not what I meant to say," and "I'm so stupid, WHY DID I SAY THAT!"  And then when things are my fault, it's even worse!  I start to panic that that person will never talk to me again, I get scared to even contact that person to tell them I'm sorry, I can't stop "wishing" in my head that I didn't say something the way I said it.  When I'm in a stressful conversation, or especially when I know the situation is very delicate and I need to chose my words wisely, is ALWAYS when I ramble or say something the wrong way and can't figure out how to get what I'm saying across.  My words get all jumbled up and I start to repeat things I've already said trying to re-think how to say it, and then....it's hopeless.    I end up ruining the relationship.  I've lost several potential friendships because of this and even friendships that I've had for years.

I don't know when I became so self-conscious, I guess it might have been throughout my last relationship.  I married my high school sweetheart after high school and it only lasted about two years.  If there is one thing in my life that changed me as a person it was this experience.  It never goes away!  While I don't have feelings for him anymore, and I don't feel hurt by what happened anymore, nor am I angry at him now, the ramifications of that event still effect my life every day!  Some days it's in good ways, but some day's it's in bad.  It has effected my entire personality, and every decision I make.  (**note** what I'm about to share is not to make him look like a bad person because I realize people can change, and genuinely hope he has).  During that relationship I was a battered wife.  Now, back then I would have NEVER considered myself a battered wife, and even after my divorce I still would not have even considered it; however, over the years and looking back at what I went through with him and how people who really love you are suppose to treat you, it was nothing less.  There were people I worked with who would constantly slip me pamphlets and phone numbers of shelters and programs that could help me (based on the things I would share with them), but I always thought, "well, it's not that bad!"  But it was!  I should have never stayed as long as I did!  Every argument was a fight.  It wasn't always a major fight but it was always a fight.  Occasionally, he walked away from me but when he did he left and I spent the next however many hours in a panic!  Other times it became something where he would break something; a piece of furniture, or pull a necklace off my neck and break it.  But most of the time, it was him pushing me into the couch, the bed, and not just once but over and over again.  The biggest fights that happened were things like being dragged down the hallway by my ankle, and thrown through a wall where I had to actually pull myself out of the wall.  I think I didn't think these things were abuse because I felt like I had brought it on myself because I would be so bold to him at times and I would try to stand up for myself.  He never hit me or punched me, he would just push and throw me a lot, as well as verbal abuse.

People just couldn't understand why I stayed and allowed him to treat me that way, but I stayed even till the very end until he decided he didn't want me anymore.  I never was strong enough to actually walk away myself, it took him cheating on me, and then him filing for divorce.  Even then, I told him I could forgive him and we could get passed it; I even refused to sign the papers for a while.  By the time I finally left, I felt like an empty shell of a person!  I was ashamed, angry, hurt, betrayed, and felt like my life was over.  There were things he said to me during that time at the end, things that have stuck with me and will probably always be with me the rest of my life.  Things like, "you will never find a man who would be willing to put up with you,"  "she is better than you,"  "I didn't want a baby with you because I can't stand the thought of your big fat belly."  These things always stick with me.  I remember being so afraid to say anything around him sometimes.  I felt like anything I said or did would make him mad even if I didn't mean it the way it came out.  Life was nothing but eggshells that was already cracking!  

After the divorce, I found myself so conscious of everything I did that I wouldn't do or say anything unless I was convinced that there was no way I could be wrong in my actions.  I became the most confident person on the outside because of this, but the most self-conscious person on the inside.  When I met Nathan I gave him such a hard time!  I was horrible to him!  I pushed him away over and over again because I was so scared that he would eventually find something about me that he couldn't stand, or even worse SOMEONE who was better.  I became convinced that everyone I love would eventually leave me, and I accrued friendships where I even felt I had to walk on egg shells.  But while there were some bad and still some bad, there have been A LOT of good!  God has put people in my pathway over the last several years who have been in the same situations.  People whose husband was cheating on them, people about to go through divorce, people going through divorce, and people who have been battered wives.  I have been able to have the honor of being there for these women and being able to talk them through their darkest days.  While a lot of people have been through divorce, not everyone is able to really connect with people who are going through it now.  I've been able to help women come to the realization that they are precious when they've been told they are not, I've convinced some to try to work on situations that were fixable,  I've actually helped women leave abusive situations and get them out safely, discreetly, and securely, and I've just been there for a shoulder to cry on or vent to.  I do this not just because it's what I feel they need at the time but because I remember how it feels to sit in an empty house on a holiday without any family or friends around wondering where your husband is and who he is with!  I remember the fear calling 911, and stepping out to get the restraining order.  If I only had someone there with me to help me with these things it wouldn't have been as scary.  So that's my ultimate desire.  I would love to open up a Women's shelter one day to help these women who are walking on "cracked eggshells."   I want to be able to tell them that I know it's hard to leave, and to build them up and give them hope when they can't see a future or are just completely empty and broken inside.

So yes, maybe I say stupid things sometimes, maybe I will have to lose some really great friends who are completely dear to my heart because I just jumbled my words and couldn't get out my thoughts or exactly what I meant.  But if dealing with such bad anxiety the rest of my life will make it possible for me to help bare another torn down woman's pain, and help them to see that God values their life and so should their spouse; then I'd rather be lonely the rest of my life!  Life isn't about me, it's about other people (and of course worshiping God).  I can't walk on cracked egg shells anymore because it makes me too afraid, too nervous and panicked, and hopefully one day I will have thousands of women who can say they can't either!  It's hard to walk out of egg shells without someone there to guide you.