Thank you.....

So today is 1 week since we lost Baby Joy.  I was completely overwhelmed with the positive response I received from my post about our loss.  I had people I haven't talked to in a long time reaching out to me and comforting me, letting me know that I wasn't alone in what I was experiencing or feeling.  It was because of that and all the prayers I was able to get through last week as gracefully as I did.

I know I probably didn't take it as hard as some, although maybe I took it harder than others, but I was able to see God working in the situation and that gave me hope and the ability to pick up and keep going.  I took about three days to mourn.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would have been before I experienced something like that. Since then, I've had mixed emotions, but for the most part I am doing okay.

The one thing I've experienced (that I was told I would) was the fact that it will never go away.  That baby will always be a part of  my life.  This is so completely true!!  This is probably the hardest aspect of things.  I find myself thinking "at Christmas time I would have been telling everyone that we were expecting"  like we had planned.  I've caught myself thinking about how far apart Jubili and this baby would be.  Thinking about how far along I would have been this week, how big the baby would have been.  I honestly didn't think that I would do those things.  I thought I could mourn, and just pick life back up and go on but I really can't without this baby being in my daily thoughts.

 I never realized what a connection I have to these babies at such an early stage until now.  And what a special gift that God has given us to be able to love a baby so unconditionally and so fully before we have even met them, or even if we don't get to meet them!  It makes me understand the Love that God has for us just a little bit better.

Anyways I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has sent me your prayers, comments, messages, phone calls, texts....your support has not been forgotten or taken lightly.  I've learned that it's in these very moments we know who our true family, and friends are, as well as who our new friends should be!  Thank you, words cannot express the gratitude I have for all of you!

Dealing with our loss........baby Joy

This blog is not about seeking attention or sympathy, I have debated for the last 24 hours if I really wanted to write this or not because it may be one of the most personal things I've shared on here.  I've prayed and prayed about it and I came to the conclusion that God never wastes our pain, and if this post can help one person who needs to hear what I have been through the last three days then I am more than willing to lay all my personal stuff out there no matter what hurtful comments I may get.  I realize most people keep these things to themselves but I believe my life is not a normal life.  I believe that my life belongs to God and that every single thing that I go through he wants to use to help someone else, and he wants to use for his glory.  So as you read this  and maybe comment, please do so gracefully and think before you speak.

The Lord has given me the gift of dreams.  To some that may sound strange but for the last  9 years God has spoke to me with dreams.  I've had dreams of what is coming, dreams about what has happened and why and dreams that just haven't made sense yet but I know are significant.  I had a dream when I was pregnant for my first child that I was having a baby boy.  I saw him born, I held him in my arms I felt his warmth and kissed his head.  I saw his face, and that face has been embedded in my mind ever since.  When I was pregnant with my fourth baby I had another dream about this boy, he was older around 4 years old, he was the youngest and I saw him standing at the front door of our house.  He was mild tempered, sweet, a mamma's boy of course.  His dirty blond hair laid perfectly over the top of his head and he spoke so sweetly.  I've held onto these dreams because before I was pregnant with my first child God gave me a name for a baby boy.  Yet I've had 5 little girls.

Don't get me wrong there have been many times that I've doubted my dreams and thought they were just dreams, but so many times they have been right....I had a dream my sister was pregnant with my niece...she was!    I had a dream a friends husband was being unfaithful...he was and many many more.  Anytime I doubt these dreams, I have ended up regretting it because they come to pass.

So needless to say I have been praying for the baby boy for a long time. I think that if I didn't have these dreams of him, the name, Nathan and I may have not had as many children as we have.  I believe God has given me this hope of a boy in order to open our hearts to so many children.  And maybe I'll never get the boy but even if I don't I know that his reason for giving me that desire is to widen our hearts for more children, because when we first got married we only wanted 2.

Our youngest child Goobies, turned one year old on September 14th this year.  She is now 14mo. old and this is the longest we've gone without having a child after the last one was born.  We went the last year not having any desire to have another child yet because we have so much going on that I actually prayed and asked God to give me at least a year break!  And he has.

Thanksgiving day this year my husband and I spent with family.  We saw my family then went to his parents house.  We had the kids spend the night there so that we could do some black friday shopping for their gifts this year.  While we were out I just got a feeling that I needed to get a pregnancy test so on our stop at Walgreens that is what we bought.  The last month we both have been having baby fever and desiring another child but we have a rule that we do not "TRY" we just let God give us that blessing when it's his time.  So we came home to rest after a few hours and I took the test....it was positive!  I waited a few more days and took a few more tests and they were all positive!!  We were SO excited, but decided not to tell anyone just yet.

 I started having symptoms, even started trying to prepare for when the symptoms really kicked in in a few weeks.  But we didn't prepare for what happened next...

On Tuesday evening, I had a dream that I had lost a child.  Someone had cremated the baby and put its ashes in a baby coffin.  When I got there after getting a call that my child has passed away, I was devastated and crying but also had joy in the midst.  I was devastated because I did not get a chance to see what child it was that passed, but I felt joy like everything was going to be okay.  I took a bag of chocolate and laid it on the ashes and then I woke up.  I thought at first the dream was about Pumpkin and Little Bear because they were having their first sleep over the next day...I thought it was just me being a clingy mother, but I had this achy feeling that something was wrong, but I pushed it aside.  I then started thinking about the pregnancy and realized that some of my previous symptoms had disappeared, but then I realized I still had one of them so I felt okay.

The next day after picking up the girls from their party, I realized I was starting to lose the baby.  I went to the ER and they weren't really much help except to confirm what I already suspected, and then after talking to my OB the next morning I knew what was happening for sure.  I felt like I was just hit by a truck!

I remembered being there for several friends and family when they had lost their children like this, and I remembered thinking "I'm not sure I would be that upset if I lost a child that early, after all it's hard to believe it's real anyways till you get the first ultra sound"  boy was I ever wrong!  I've decided that losing a child this early makes the top 3 list of worse things to happen in life.

  I talked to a few friends, my sister in law who has been through this, she was such a blessing.  She helped me so much and I was able to really deal with the grief and accept it and find peace through it quicker than I though I would.  She encouraged me to tell the girls that they had a sibling in heaven, and to give the baby a name because after all it still was a child.  I quickly picked a girl name because even though I wanted that boy this time, I just felt like it may have been a girl.

I sat down with my oldest two, Pumpkin and Little Bear, and I explained that the reason mommy had been so sad and had to be at the hospital was because God had put a baby in my belly, but the baby stopped growing and passed away.  It is now in heaven with Jesus.  They stopped for a minute and processed all that I said, I saw their sad faces and then all the sudden they both at the same time started smiling and looking at each other and both blurted out "WOW MOM YOU SHOULD BE SO EXCITED!!! YOU HAD A BABY!!!!  LOL  At first I didn't think they understood what I was trying to say to them so I tried saying it again..."no you don't understand...the baby didn't grow, it was so tiny we couldn't hardly see it, and it died, it's in heaven with Jesus!"  and again they both started giggling...."MOM you had a baby!!  What if we have a brother in heaven!!??!!  I'm so excited!!"  lol.  I couldn't help but laugh and cry at the same time!  My sweet girls lifted my spirit so much and really gave me such a different perspective of what was happening.

They were right, I did have a baby and no matter what happened to it, I should be rejoicing that I had another blessing...even if I didn't get to see it.

During the day I tried hanging onto my girls' words but my grief would get the best of me.  I prayed over the dream I had trying to make sense of the whole thing.  I also asked for God to surround me with people who would pray me through this, but yet I didn't want to tell everyone yet.  I started getting messages from so many people telling me they didn't know what I was going through but they were praying for us....one in particular told me that God laid it on her heart that my pain was from the loss of a child.  That message in particular was so uplifting to me because I knew that God was really in this whole thing.

Later that day I realized what my dream had been about.  The cremation was because I was unable to see the baby, and of course I was upset because I didn't know who the baby was.  But the chocolate represented love and celebration, which is why I felt joy while I was pouring the chocolate on top.  I immediately thought about my daughters reaction "mom you should be so excited!! You had a baby!!"

They were right!  One thing God always reminds me during trials is that he never wastes the pain!  I realized that while it is painful, it was a blessing, another reward, and all children deserve to be celebrated.  That's when I decided to change the name I picked.  "baby Joy" seemed much more fitting.

I struggled with posting this because most people do not put this out there for the whole world to see, and I personally DID NOT want to do this, but I felt someone out there needed to hear it!  I realized that I needed to do something to remember "Baby Joy" so I put a life event on my facebook page that says "in memory of baby joy"  but I kept it private.  I've gone back and forth with sharing it or keeping it to myself.  What will people think, will they think that I'm trying to get sympathy, or will they make horrible comments like they did when the Duggar's lost their baby about how my poor body needed a break?  I didn't want any of that! I just want prayer and that's it!  No I'm sorry's, nothing because I know it was God's will...I know he had a purpose!

I believe that this baby's purpose was to give me joy and to show me how to have joy in the midst of one of the worse things a woman can go through.  In her short life, she was able to give my husband and I a renewed excitement of being parents, and me a renewed excitement of motherhood.  And while I did not get to hold that baby in my arms, I loved it the moment I knew it existed, but I know that it is in a better place being held by an even better parent than I could ever be.  Our baby has gone home to wait for us, and I look forward to seeing her one day.

Until then,  I am hanging onto God's promises, I am still going on with life, and still have my moments of grief, but when I think about her I think of Joy and I believe that is God's promise to me...to rekindle my Joy.

I am so thankful for all your prayers, it really has made this whole thing easier to go through.    
  

 

Mamma Do you Love me????

I woke up this morning and my first priority was to get my house in order.  I have been working non-stop for weeks trying to get things back in order, and re-arrange the girls rooms.  They were all in the same room for a while and we separated them into two rooms.  Of course when we did that everything from cleaning out their rooms made it into my room and into the living room and the rest of the house became a good mix of chaos, then add that to the 13 days I was at the hospital with my dad last month that hasn't gotten caught up yet and we have ourselves a little nightmare!!

I've been studying about the New Testament in my Bible 110 class I'm taking through Liberty University.  I am a Religion major so I'm loving the bible class!  The last few weeks though I've been noticing that Simon-Peter, one of Jesus' disciples has been really sticking out to me!  Now, last year I wouldn't have been able to tell you any of what I'm about to tell you about Simon-Peter because I didn't know anything about him, except that he was a disciple.  But just stick with me through this and you will get where I'm going with all of this.

  First of all (just a few things you need to know) he does not listen very well, but has a strong personality.  Jesus called to him three times before he committed to following him.  When Simon first came to Jesus, he was actually brought to him by Andrew...he didn't willingly go in search for Jesus, but when he found him he responded to the call of Salvation, Jesus right away changed his name from Simon (which means listener) to Peter (rock).  Simon was FAR from a listener, and seems to be a stubborn man which I believe is why Jesus gave him the name Peter.  (John 1:42)

The second calling to Peter was when he and Andrew was in their boats casting their nets.  Jesus tells him to come and follow him, asking him to commit to service.  He told him he would make them fishers of men.  (Mark 1:16-17)

The third calling was in Luke 5:1-11.  Peter had been out fishing all  night casting his nets and he had pulled everything in and was ready to quit when Jesus told him to head back out and cast out his nets.  Keeping Peters personality in mind (not being a listener, but stubborn) replied back to him, "Master we have toiled all the night and have taken nothing, nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net."  Notice Jesus told him to let down all the nets, but Peter (and I can imagine him being a little grouchy and irritated from being up all night fishing) said he would let down THE NET.  ONE net!  After he let down his net they caught so many fish that their boat started to sink. Peter then fell at Jesus feet and called him LORD.  This was when Peter finally committed himself to Christ.

So today I decided was the day to move around my bedroom, box up a bunch of boxes for storage, get out the clutter, and I had plans to just work hard on my room!  My room is the catch all, if people are coming over everything gets put in my room, if the kids come in here so do their toys, if we don't have a place for things, guess where it ends up!  So it was time to take back my room!!  I started at 9am picking up all the stuff off the floor, then moving my bed to the other side, then the dresser, and then I had to put it all away.  About half way through I found myself looking around wondering if anyone would notice if I just left it that way and didn't finish!  lol  It was a disaster!!

During my cleaning session the kids were kinda doing their own thing.  PBS kids was on the TV, a couple of them were in Pumpkin's room playing, then they would go back to watching tv, the baby would wonder in my room and love on me then she would head back out.  Sweet-pea kept coming in  and I would just tell her to not touch things, then scoot her on out the door so I could get finished.  Around lunch time I got them lunch and they ate while I continued working on my room.  I just kept saying "I have got to get this done today!!"  Nap time came and I put the kids in their beds and told them to stay, and again I went back to cleaning and packing and putting things away.

Around 4:00 (7 hours into my project) the kids were again playing and romping around in their rooms and in walked Sweet-pea again.  She walked right up to me and said "mamma do you love me?"  At first I was taken back by what she said and was a little surprised and said, "Of course Sweet-pea, I love you!"  Then she looked at me again and said "MAMMA  do you love me?"  Again I said "yes baby I love you!"  Then again she repeated, "MAMMA DO YOU LOVE ME?"  at this point I was puzzled and changed my reply to "Honey, I love you with all my heart!!"  She said, "with all your heart!" and walked out!

I couldn't get this out of my head the rest of the day.  I kept thinking about when Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, in my head but then I'd just push it aside and thought, she was just being cute.  So tonight after the girls went to bed I did my school.  I was about to go to bed when I heard in my head "Mamma do you love me?"  I began to think about our life the last few months and how hectic it has been.  I've gotten in that mode again where I have a mission to get something done and  I do it and just kinda go through the motions of making dinner, and lunch, and changing a diaper then getting back to what needs done for the day while the kids are occupied.  But I kept thinking about Peter!!

In John 21:15-17 it says " When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."  Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."  The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep."

The first time Jesus asked Peter "do you truly love me" he used the greek word "agapao" which is normally used to describe the type of love that God has for us, it's a unconditional love, a committed love.  But Peter replied  "Lord you know that I "phileo" you!"  Which is a brotherly love.  Peter was also referring to the fact that he had denied Jesus three times when he was crucified, so he probably was thinking  "what is he thinking asking me if I am capable of loving him this way look what I did!"  Again Jesus asks "Do you "agapao" me?"  And again Peter Responds "Yes Lord you know that I "phileo" you!"  then the last time he says "Peter do you "phileo" me?

Picturing this conversation I can see Peter feeling taken back by the question the first time, feeling a little shocked that he asked him that.  Then the second time I'm sure he was getting frustrated, and then finally when Jesus changed the way he said it Peter was beyond frustrated.  Looking back it took Peter three time to actually commit to following Jesus, three times he denied him, and three times he was told if you love me feed my lambs, take care of my sheep, feed my sheep.  If you love me you will obey my commandments!    GO, bring in the sheep, feed the sheep pastor the sheep!

When my dad was in the hospital an old friend came up to visit who had recently started a church.  He and his wife have five children as well, most in college.  I had a few minutes to visit with him and so I asked how the church was coming along.  He told me that it was doing great and they have a steady number, but it was on the smaller side.  He told me that God had really put on his heart that growing a church was the same as raising his children, he had to invest in the hearts of the people in his church the same way he had to invest in the hearts of those children.

So this evening when my baby looked at me and asked "Mamma do you love me?"  She was asking me if I was invested in her heart!  Will I lead her, fill her with God's word, and guide her along the right paths in her life?  I've been so convicted recently about parenting with a gentle spirit and when we discipline to discipline by address the problem in their hearts not the outward problems, so when she said to me what she said It just completely blew me away!  I get so busy sometimes and I don't realize that I just shoo them along, and I don't realize that I haven't sat down and snuggled with them today.  So while yes we should be a light to the world, we should bring in the sheep, fill them with God's word, and pastor them....we can't let our children get lost in the herd.  Sometimes things get so chaotic that we don't realize that they haven't had that mommy time or daddy time today.  Lead, pastor, and fill your children, their hearts are crying out for it...I know my children are.  Tomorrow we are going to have lots of snuggle time!!

Dad is doing better.....

So many times this week I've found myself asking, "God why do you trust me with so much during the times that I feel so weak?"  It seems every time I feel like "okay I've got this thing" in life, that things twist and turn down another unexpected path.  I believe I should have a doctorate in chaos by now and a Masters in dealing with stress!  lol  God has done so much in my life the last two weeks I just don't even know where to start.

Being a mom of five children 6 years old and under, life can be overwhelming at times.  I think the last year has been a bit more overwhelming because we were just getting used to having baby number four when baby number five came along.  At times I feel like "okay we got this thing."  but then the kids change, life changes and everything is out of my control!  There is no rule book for having a large family.  I know some people think I am crazy for having so many children, and even more crazy for wanting more, but in the midst of the worse day we could have, is the best days of my life.  Sure I may get frustrated, I may even complain a bit but I wouldn't change the course of my life for anything.  There has never been a day when I have wished that I had a smaller family!  Now, I have had days when I thought, "was I crazy for wanting so many children?"  But never would I want to go back to not having them, and nor would I feel like I would not want more children.

I've spent the last two weeks trying to teach my girls a valuable life lesson.  On October 1st, I received a call that my dad was in the ER.  My father has struggled with heath issues for the last six years so when he is in the ER it is usually because of something major!  My first priority in life then changes, making sure my mother is fed, and taking care of herself emotionally and physically, as well as making sure I am there for my dad goes to the top on my list.  I have the most supportive husband ever and we are always on the same page with these things, so the first thing he said when he found out about my dad was, "GO!"  And that is what I did for the last two weeks!

My girls have this amazing connection with me, yet it is frustrating at times.  My oldest really has a hard time when I am not around more than a day.  She begins acting out and being not quite herself.  When she was younger she would protest my being gone by pooping all over the floor...not that she is older it's more of an attitude change.  She gets upset and angry and treats her sisters and Nathan badly.  After a week of being in the ICU with my parents my dad was starting to stabilize and I was able to start being home earlier.  At dinner I asked her "why have you been acting this way, are you mad because mommy hasn't been here?"  She said "YES!"  So I was then able to explain to her that while my family is my first priority, when papaw gets sick or if mamaw got sick, we need to put our wants and needs aside to help them!  My family is healthy, and while with me gone it may turn to utter chaos,  the most important thing is being there for the ones you love when they are in need.  Sometimes we may not always WANT to do things, but doing the right thing is more important than doing what we want!  If I were sick like papaw, I would want my children to be there for me, loving on me, taking care of their dad, making sure I knew that I was not in this by myself...and that is what I need to do for papaw.  This was a huge lesson for the girls to learn how to put others before themselves!

I also realized that there needs to always be that one thing that I tell my children, that when I am gone they can look back and remember "mom always said.....".  So the last several weeks when we have our talk time I have made sure to include, "the most important things in life is to love God with all your heart, strive to be a Godly woman, and always remember that what we want to do isn't always as important as what the right thing is to do."  I pray that with this written on their hearts they will always think of this before they make decisions.

So 13 days later my dad is finally going home today!  It was a long, exhausting and emotional journey for all of us, but God was faithful and answered our prayers!  There was a period of time last week we did not think he would come out of this!  When I was in 3rd grade I remember my dad was diagnosed with an obstructive lung disease.  I was so scared he would die!!  I remember praying every night before bed "Lord please let my dad live to see my graduation!"  In June of 2000, my dad was sitting in the gymnasium of my High School watching me walk the line to get my diploma!  Then my prayer became "Lord please let my dad live to see my children!"  In February 2006, May 2007, June 2009, August 2010, and September 2011  he was there to hold my new born baby girls in his arms!  Since I know we are not done having children I know that that prayer is still valid!  But it has changed again recently, "Dear Lord please let my dad live to see me graduate college, see how my children turn out, and hold his great-grand babies!"  I believe that God will answer my prayer!

I am finishing up my last week of American History class this weekend, and spending time getting my house back in order from the chaos, my kids back in order with their behaviors, and our sleep schedules back on track before my new classes start next monday.  I am so thankful for the life lessons that God allows us to teach our children whether they will be painful, happy, shocking or sad.  I'm thankful that God continues to teach me and deal with my heart in the midst of situations like this, I pray that he can use me to help others see things in their own hearts that they need to deal with as well.  We should never stop seeking to be a better person, we should always continue to learn from what we go through, get back up on our feet (no matter how long it takes) and teach others to do the same from what we went through!

Huge thanks to everyone for praying for my family these last 13 days.  

In God's Hands....

As I walked in circles around my house this afternoon praying for my family who was inside, I turned my attention to my overgrown garden from this past summer.  From where I was standing it was a mess, there was no possible way at this point in the game to get any type of edible harvest out of that disaster of a garden!  As I got closer and really focused on the actual plants that were there, instead of everything else growing up around it, something caught my eye.  I saw the largest, most amazing prize winning Jalapeno I've ever seen in my life!  I couldn't understand for the life of me how in the midst of  all the thorns, weeds, and rotting plants all around it, this pepper managed to continue growing, and became exactly what it was meant to be.  Never once, since July, have I been out there to water it, weed it, or even check on it.  It was left completely in God's hands as to whether or not it would thrive.  And that's when it hit me...

As my children were "quietly" playing in their room this afternoon, they had managed to sneek the baby powder past me into their room.  Here I thought they were playing well and really getting along, but what they were really playing was who could look more like their "Nanna"  (my 95 year old great-grandma).  When I heard them say "I look just like Nanna now!"  I knew....  As I rounded the corner and saw my 4 oldest children completely white from head to toe, I thought, "well that's not anything a bath can't solve."   I told them all to get in the tub, and went back into their room to find a white powdered mess!!  From what I can understand Sweet-pea (2) was standing on the doll house making it "snow."  And snow it did.  Everything from toys, to blankets, to clothes, walls, beds, are covered!!  This is where my anger began to get the best of me and I had to take further steps to not allow that.  So I put the air purifier in there, and locked and closed the door.   Out of sight, out of mind right?  Hardly!

You see last night, my husband and I had started reading the book "Praying Circles around your Children"  together and began praying for our children together.  The book was great and talked about how we will make mistakes as parents but prayer covers a multitude of sins!  How we have to just lift up our children in prayer and that is the most important thing in their lives.  And the minute those prayers left our mouths last night for each of our children, it was like Satan himself stepped into our house and tried to completely destroy us.

Now I know you are thinking "wow all this over a little powder?"  NO, not a little powder.  A LOT of powder!!  And not just this one incident, it has been several recently, this was just the icing on the cake.  The attitudes that came from our children as we talked to them about what they did and there was no remorse, just I don't care attitudes, was devastating to me.

After bath time I made the little ones lay on the couch and the big girls sat in a chair in the corners to think about what they did.  We ate lunch, and then it was nap time.  Two were in my bed, and two on the couch, while I sat in the hallway trying to figure out what to do.  I made three trips back outside and around our house praying over it and my family and asking for wisdom and patience.  I felt my head beginning to explode and tears running down my face, I began to pray even harder!  "What was I doing wrong?  Why can't I get through to them?  Why would you give me this many children when I can't raise them the way I am supposed to?  How am I supposed to be a gentle parent when they do things like this?  You don't know how this feels your son was perfect!"  That is when I saw the Jalepeno....

"Yes my son was perfect but I allowed his blood to be shed to cover your imperfections, the way I see you is the same way I see him, because you are under his blood."

 hmmm....  "I'm sorry Lord, forgive me"

"This Jalapeno was left in my hands to do what I wanted to do with it, and even in the midst of the weeds, and storms I still protected it, and allowed it to become exactly what it was supposed to be."

"your right Lord, I just need to leave them in your hands!  again, please forgive me!"    

The answer was that easy!  I guess I just take my children's behavior way too personal.  My desire for them to have a soft heart and love each other and live for Christ is not something I can make them do...but I can teach them and pray that they will do it.  And  that is what I realized today...I need to pray without ceasing in all circumstances no matter what!!

It's amazing the lessons that I learn from my children's mistakes, I just hope that they will learn lessons from my mistakes as well.  I told someone the other day I feel like I'm walking blindly...well I guess I kinda am, I'm placing them in God's hands and praying that he will help me to be the mom they need, and that in the midst of storms, and weeds, he will allow my children to grow up to meet their purpose in life...Living for Him.

In the meantime, they will be spending the day cleaning up their mess in their room.  In the past I've helped them with their messes like this, but I believe that now it is time they start to learn how hard it is to clean up their messes.

The Joy of the Lord.....

So last night I was so excited for my  husband to go on his men's retreat with the church today that I could not sleep at all!  I tossed and turned all night long!  I went through my list of things I needed to wash for him, pack for him and put together for him to take, and I racked my brain on how his back is going to be comfortable in those horrible mattresses on the bunks there.  I prayed all night asking God to give him relief from his pain while he was on his trip. All this week he has had major back pain and started having muscle spasms in the upper part of his back.  He ended up at the doctor and was put on yet another medication.  I really felt this was a spiritual attack since God knew Nathan really needed to get away and be refreshed and spend time with him.  But we pushed through with prayer and he left for his retreat this afternoon.

While I was up last night I also read a bit in my new book I just got.  "Created to be his Help Meet"  by Debi Pearl.  The chapter I read last night was on having the Joy of the Lord.  This is really something I struggle with badly.  When Nathan and I first met I was a fire cracker!  I was happy, joyful all the time always laughing and smiling, and now seven in a half years later life has taken some of that joy away.  I still feel joy in my heart, we have a great life together and are very blessed, however; I just don't take the time to make that joy end up on my face much.  I am SUCH a "martha" now days.  It's been so hard for me the last few months to just sit down and enjoy time with God, or just be joyful in things.  I've felt like our lives have been on this strict time table and my motto has been for the last six months, "I just have to get this finished!"  But nothing ever is finished, there is always more to do every minute of my life!  This book made me realize that I want to be a gentler person.  I was to speak gently to my children and not harshly, I want to discipline them with a gentle spirit and not in anger.  I want to be a gentle wife for my husband, I want to be a good happy inviting person overall.

So that was my goal this weekend while Nathan was gone.  We (me and the girls) will be praying for him while he is there, and also praying that God will help us have the joy of the Lord for when he gets back.

Already tonight I have had several tests!  The minute Nathan walked out of the house I decided to start prepping the kitchen to make dinner for me and the girls.  I put something up on the counter and before I knew it the HUGE jar of pickles that was sitting there fell onto the floor and shattered to pieces!!  Normally, because Nathan is such a through person, he is the one who cleans up broken glass.  I can never get it all picked up and fear I will leave some behind and the girls will get hurt.  So I picked up all the large pieces but because of the pickle juice all over the place I could not get the smaller pieces.....so I laid towels down all over that part of the floor to soak up the juice...and that's where they stayed......... now I'm not sure what to do.  If I pick up the towels they could have glass all over them so do I throw them away??  UGH!!

So then I took the girls outside to play for a while.  They had a blast.  While we were out there I decided to try an experiment.  I spoke Pumpkin's name very gently and quietly and she immediately turned and said yes?  I was surprised!  So I tried Hobble-bobble's name, and again she looked at me and said "yes mommy?"  again shocked!!  So Little Bear was the big test since she can ignore me a ton!  And she looked right at me and said "yes?"  WOW!!  So I waited a few minutes and tried it in a harsh tone. First Pumpkin....she just kept jumping and didn't respond.  Then Little bear...again kept jumping and no response....and lastly Hobble-bobble...still no response!

So as we try to change our hearts this weekend and our voices, and our faces ;)  please keep our family in your prayers!!  I want nothing but joyfulness coming out of my children's lives, and I want my husband to be excited to come home to a joyful, pleasant wife!

House fire...

Nathan and I got married in 2005.  When we married we never imagined that God would bless us with so many children in such a short time, so we bought a house that was 1,095 square foot, three bedrooms, and two baths.  We purchased this home right before we got married, and after a two week honeymoon in Cancun, a week later we found out we were expecting our first child!  We moved into our home a month later and have been there ever since.

God has used this tiny home to mold me and shape me into the person I am today.  Who would have ever thought that he could use our living situation to strengthen our faith.  After a few months in our home, we realized that there was a leak in the kitchen.  We shut off the dishwasher, and the leak stopped.  We began to pray that we would get a new kitchen floor for free, because the floor was messed up from the water.  So for the first few years we washed dishes by hand until we were able to save up some money to get the leak fixed.  By the time 2009 came I was pregnant with baby #3 and somehow the leak got worse and just shutting off the dishwasher didn't work anymore.  We came home to water gushing up between the floor boards in our kitchen floor!  We were so upset and had no idea what to do, or that we could even afford the amount of money it was going to take to clean up that mess!  So we prayed!  Someone mentioned we should call our insurance company, so we took the chance and did it.  Although it was a huge headache, a huge mess, and a long process; God answered our prayers!  Not only did he give us a brand new floor for FREE, he gave us a BRAND NEW KITCHEN!!  They replaced the cabinets, the flooring, we were able to add MORE cabinets, and painted the entire kitchen!  We got a 14k kitchen for free!!

Not only were we praying for the floor in our kitchen, but we were praying that God would supply us with a new refrigerator!  While ours worked perfectly, it was cracked on the door on the inside and was held together by duct tape!  While they were doing the flooring in our kitchen they were being pretty rough on our fridge and when they were finished with it and had it back in place, it would cool my feet as I walked past it instead of our food that we had inside!  So we ended up getting a new fridge for FREE because they had damaged the one we had!

After baby #3 things became very tight in our home.  The living situation was becoming crowded, but still do-able.  I think my biggest complaint was that we didn't have storage space.  So I began to pray for a larger house!  I didn't need something huge, just something big enough for the family we had, plus room to expand that family with how ever many more children God wanted to bless us with.  After baby #4, I just became bitter!  I was angry that we didn't have a larger house yet and I didn't even feel financially that we were able to even make that step to look for a larger house because everything larger was a higher payment.  As our family got larger our house became smaller!!  

One day I was listening to a CD from our homeschool convention.  There was a woman talking about how bitter she had been because God would not bless her with a larger house.  She realized that she had been so obsessed with wanting a larger house that she couldn't enjoy what God had given her.  Her "larger house" became an idol to her.  As I listened to this story, I was immediately convicted that I was doing the exact same thing!  So I repented, and began to love the house that God had already blessed us with.  I built a garden out back, and we got a trampoline and swing set and we love our back yard!!  We made our kitchen into a homeschool classroom (who says a kitchen has to be decorated like a kitchen) and we love our learning space.  I love our spacious new kitchen.  There are so many things that I have fallen in love with about our little house, that I became completely comfortable and content with not moving ever!  UNTIL A MONTH AGO>....

Everyone in our family has had birthday's this year.  They are all getting so big.  Our 5th baby is 1 year old now and everyone is walking and climbing and fighting, and no one gets naps because they are all sharing a room and keep each other awake all day long!  I have a whole house full of crabby, babies!!  So after lots of talking, Nathan and I decided we needed to start looking.  We decided the best thing would be to rent out our home and buy another.  So we started looking.  We chose a Realtor who has been a family friend since I was little.  I actually used to babysit his daughter!  He has been fantastic!  After months of looking we kept going back to this ONE house that was just perfect for what we needed!!  

We felt for sure this house was the only one on the market so far that was that large, in a good neighborhood, and had a school room, play room, office and 4 bedrooms, at an affordable price.  We were pre-approved to get another home without having to sell our current home, which I felt was a miracle!  So we drew up an offer for the house and felt very peaceful!!  We were told it was accepted, but thirty minutes later another offer came in and they said they would let us know in the morning because they had to allow the seller to decide the next day.   

That night all 7 of us got on our knees and prayed that if it was God's will he would give us that house!  The next morning I woke up with a song in my heart:

    "Lord you are more precious than silver, Lord you are more costly than Gold, Lord you are more     beautiful than diamonds, and nothing I desire compares with you."

I knew immediately that God was teaching me a lesson and testing my faith.  Could my desire for that home compare with my desire for God himself?  Who did I desire more and seek after more...the house or my Savior?  That morning I woke up with a heart-change.  I knew that morning even before I received the call that we would not be getting that home, and that God had other plans.  And sure enough I received the call that they went with the third offer.  I was heartbroken over it, but I wasn't torn down.  I knew that God had a plan and there was something else out there for us!   

So for now we remain in our crowded, suffocating, loud, chaotic small amazing house that we were blessed with from God, because to Him those things were not important.  What was important was that we made God and only God, enough for us.  That we seek him and want him more than we seek and want a larger house because it will make things easier in our lives.  I've learned that God isn't in the business of making life easier, but he is in the business of making life a series of fire pits that will shape us and refine us as we walk over the burning embers, through the fire to the other side.  This time it just happened to be a "house fire."  We never look the same as when we went in, and once we are melted and shaped we never go back to the way we were before.  That I am thankful for.  I pray that through this process he continues to mold our hearts for him!