Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Living with Hope....

The past few weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me!  I've really been trying so hard to keep God at the front of my mind, remember that this is his perfect timing and will for us, and that whatever happens is His plan.  It's not an easy mindset to have all the time and I find myself starting to panic a lot so I will have to go outside on the porch or in my room and close the door and just pray!  This doesn't just happen once a day, more like 50x a day!  As if the hormones from being almost 27 weeks pregnant isn't enough!  I'm in the stage of my pregnancy where I've become extremely weepy!  I seriously cried two nights ago because I was watching my husband eat Doritos and he was not eating them the correct way!  Don't ask me what the correct way is because I have no idea, all I know is that the thought of eating Doritos slowly (while pregnant) is unthinkable and that crying over something as silly as that is not the type of person I am.  So with that said, it has been a constant fight trying to push aside my emotions and hormones and just focus on what God wants for me!

After a few calculations the other day (which I wish I never did) I came to the conclusion that if we end up getting our new home, closing date will come really close to my 35th week!  This realization had me in a panic because I've had several children at 35 weeks and even have had preterm labor as early as 30 weeks!  So thinking that I could be in labor the day we close on the house is a bit rattling!  So I started to get weepy again!  I believe I cried for two days over the fact that I cannot "nest" and get things ready for the baby, nor do I know where we will be living when the baby actually comes home.  These unknown things are enough to make a pregnant woman crazy!  So fighting against it I went to the Lord in prayer asking for a quick answer and peace!  I just need His peace.

I had decided this time around to attempt my first all natural birth without an epidural!  I had an epidural with all 5 of my children and after the last one I began experiencing nerve pain in my arms and legs that I couldn't get rid of.  After much consideration I decided that it was time to try it naturally.  My husband wasn't on board right away, he said that he didn't know if he could sit there and watch me be in such agonizing pain for that length of time and not be able to do anything about it.  On Saturday we attending 1/3 of our first birthing classes.  We never took any of them with the other children since I had planned to get an epidural, so it was a lot of new information I never knew before!  I was completely shocked by the things that you can actually do while in labor like, moving around, eating, taking a shower, wearing your own clothes!  It was all so foreign to me that I kept struggling within myself "Wait that's not right, you can't eat while in labor!"  lol   Part of me felt sad that I did not do this with the other five, I feel like I missed out on a strong, immediate bond with them when they were first born.

Part of doing a natural birth is being able to prepare yourself mentally that this is what is going to happen.  When I had Sweet-pea, I had in my mind that I would be getting an epidural.  I was in labor from 8pm till 8am.  At 2am, I was given pitocin to make my contractions stronger and I immediately asked for an epidural.  The nurse kept putting me off and at 7am I still did not have my epidural!  I was in severe pain, clinging to the bed, and really REALLY flustered!  Finally after the nurses switched shifts I asked the new nurse for it and had it within 3 minutes of asking!  When the guy came in to do it he said he had a great night of sleep and had not had a call all night long!!  I was SO furious!!   Then while he was putting in the epidural I actually felt her head come down and hit the bed! I had her less than an hour later!  I believe that if I had prepared myself for that birth that I was not going to have an epidural it would have been easier, also if I had learned to move around and work through the contractions instead of tensing up and hanging onto the bed  railing for dear life it would have been a lot better!

With that said I have had in my mind that once my class started for the bradly method I would be putting aside all other things and filling my mind with things to prepare, lots of reading mostly!  I felt a little overwhelmed with all the stuff going on around me with trying to get the new house that it has become super hard to do this!

As I was running some errands yesterday I started thinking about how far I have come over the last two years.  How I made it through some of the darkest times in my life and spiritually what has come of it all.  I started thinking about what life would be like if I did not have the promises of God to fall back on.  I remember being in the darkest place in my life, not knowing how to get out, feeling like the only way out was to end it all, however; deep down I knew it would all be okay.  Now that I am finally in a better place and can actually see outside of the darkness I can look back and be so thankful that even though I didn't think God was near during those times, or even though I didn't feel him at work, I knew in my mind that God always keeps his promises and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  I was so thankful that now in all this stress and uncertainty that I can still do the same thing.  I know without a doubt that God had everything under control, however things turn out is all part of his perfect plan.  I remember a few years ago I lead a small group of ladies.  One of the lessons that week I was teaching was about how as Christians we will always have hope because we know that God has our lives in his hands.  We also tried to imagine life without hope and what a difference knowing God makes in our lives compared to others who do not believe.  I can honestly say that I do not understand how others who do not believe in God even get through one day!  The thought of living your life and expecting to just die at the end with nothing waiting for you is really the hardest life to live in my opinion!  I am just so thankful that through everything I've had the promises of God.

So this week my goal is to continue to work on allowing God to take my burdens, and to continue to trust Him that everything is happening in his perfect timing!