It's so dark.....

So this may be a bit of a "dark" post for some, others may relate and hopefully actually get something from it.  I've realized the last few weeks that there are so many people around me, myself included, who have been living life in the darkness without anyone else knowing.

Last year I experienced some of the darkest days of my life.  Aside from the many devastating circumstances surrounding those days, I experienced the most terrifying, life changing experience called postpartum depression.  After four successful births without having to experience this, my fifth birth- I was not so fortunate.  Many hear postpartum and just think it's a new mom sitting in her bed crying her eyes out over nothing, but what they do not get is it's not nothing!  Postpartum is one of the most traumatic experiences I've ever gone through.

I will try my best to explain what this feeling is like but unless you have actually gone through it yourself it may not be easy to really grasp.  Let me give you a picture of a typical day in the life of postpartum:  You go to bed the night before only to wake after noon the next day.  When you wake up, you are still so tired and your body feels weak.  Your head feels like it weights 50lbs and the effort it will take to get it off that pillow is not worth it!  You see the sun peaking through the slats on the mini blind and the brightness makes your eyes sting and your body crave pure darkness.  You hear your children outside your closed bedroom door playing and occasionally trying to get in your locked door but you don't want them to see you like this, they will never understand- so you distance yourself from them to protect them.  Your baby cries to be nursed as your husband brings her to you, you latch her on and lay next to her as she eats and that is the only moment all day long you feel like there is any ounce of life in you, and any reason for your being.  Once she is finished your husband takes her away and you go back to your bed, under the covers and cannot stop crying because the darkness is too much but yet so is the light!  Crazy thoughts enter your head about how your children would be better off without you- and they are not thoughts of pity on yourself because you are incapable of having pity on yourself- you are your biggest critic!  No matter how hard you try to get out of that room and go back to the person you used to be, there is no going back, you are stuck in this seemingly never-ending cycle of guilt, regret for not being able to be the mother that you want to be!  When you try to get out of that room and walk out into the living room the light is shocking.  You feel exposed, unable to move, and unable to function- you crave the darkness again!  Ultimately you feel there is no way out!  No way out of this darkened life, this cave you are living in, and you are doing nothing for anyone but making life harder.

Yes that was my entire 2012!  On top of this I had many circumstances in my life that were abnormally traumatic and suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, as well as severe anxiety.

I'm sure most are shocked by my post about this because no one knew that about my life last year except my husband.  Even close friends did not know it was that extreme because I kept most of the details to myself.  I became a very closed and personal person last year.  Where I used to be a completely open book and didn't care what anyone thought, I closed myself down and tried to disappear.  I realized after the first few months of going through this that people didn't want to hear how I felt and what I was going through.  People didn't want to hear me tell them that I was losing myself and was thinking about committing myself because I wanted to end it all!  I had friends walk away from me because my life was too negative for them and I couldn't just talk about positive things!  I realized that the more I talked about it to others, the better I felt, but the less friends I had left.  So I stopped.  I tried a counselor but I just felt like I was talking to a wall when I was there.  They just wanted me to talk and never asked me any questions, then when I was done they were like, "ok see you next time."  I wasn't getting help I needed. I wasn't getting the help I was reaching out for. I had no idea what to do except get through one day and into the next.

This is such a controversial topic for so many, especially Christians.  Christians are each others biggest critics.  We like to look at another Christian and say "Oh there is no way they are saved, they have to take depression medication!" or "I thought they were Christians, did you see who she was hanging out with?" oh and how about "I cannot believe they read The Twilight Series, I thought they were Christians!!"  Seriously Christians- did we receive forgiveness because we are all perfect or did we receive forgiveness because God had grace and mercy on how sinful we are!  Does God really look at that book we read or medication and refuse our salvation because we are human and we are not living according to how other Christians think we should live?  NO!  We are told not to live according to how the world wants us to live, so why should we live according to how Christians in the world want us to live?  We need to live according to how the bible tells us to live!  This is the exact reason that people feel that they cannot express what they are going through to others for help because they will be told "you aren't relying on God by having to be on medication, or because you are feeling that way, you are a sinner!"

I took my seven year old out today to panera for lunch.  We sat and talked a bit while we were eating and after a while I heard a woman behind me say, "isn't it such a beautiful day!"  I looked behind me and there was an older lady standing up to leave.  I replied, "it sure is I've missed the sunshine!"  She began talking to me and we discovered we were both Christians and she actually knew my husband's family.  She began to tell me that she has had the worse few weeks of her life.  Her 38 year old son had tried to kill himself by blowing himself away with a gun!  Her husband an a worker on their farm had found him on the property and rushed him to the hospital.  They were all Christians, the husband, the wife, his three kids.  They all began praying for a miracle!!  He ended up surviving and within 2 days he was in the step-down unit!  He did suffer some brain damage but he was alive!  The doctors were completely shocked and asked them "what did you guys do?" they said "we just prayed!"  The sad thing and the thing that stuck out to me the most was that NO ONE KNEW ANYTHING WAS WRONG!  A grown Christian man who probably felt like no one wanted to hear it, was in such a dark place and couldn't see a way out that he felt the best thing was to take his own life.

Since last year I have overcome the depression tremendously.  Since getting pregnant again I did have a slight relapse and fell back into it for a while recently but this time was different.  I'm not sad like I was, I don't cry, I just couldn't get out of my room.  I have good days and bad, more good this week and as the days go on it has gotten better!  I realized that while in a situation like this it is so easy to tell someone "just read your bible," or " just cry out to God" but what we don't realize is that the entire experience people ARE crying out to God but their situation is staying the same.  Why is it staying the same?

James 1:2 "count it all joy my brothers when you face trials of different kind..."  SERIOUSLY!  So in the middle of the darkest days of my life, instead of crying out to God "FIX THIS" or "HELP ME" I should try to find joy?   How in the world do you do that?  Well I can tell you now its not through seeking out friends to lay all your burdens on, at least it wasn't for me.

A few weeks ago while struggling with a milder version of this I really felt like I was finally hearing God after all this time.  I realized that I have been so suffocated by the darkness that I was incapable of finding joy, or light anywhere around me.  There was nothing positive, there was nothing I could hold onto and know I could get to the other side with, the darkness clouded my thinking.  All I needed to do was to stop looking at the darkness, stop trying to figure out how to get out of it and concentrate on worshiping my Maker!  The God who made dark and light, the God who created heaven and earth, and the God who gave me my very breath.  No I'm not talking about reading my bible, or even praying...I'm talking about WORSHIPING!   That is where the Joy is!

The lady at Panera concluded her story with this:  She told me that after her son was stable she drove out to the site where they had found him on the farm.  She said that it was a very dreary cloudy day and the sun was nowhere in sight!  As she sat in her car staring at the place her son had shot himself she felt like God told her to get out of the car and WORSHIP him!  She walked over to the spot he was found and lifted her hands to the Lord; as she did the sun started peaking through the clouds and it got brighter and brighter until it was just so unbelievably bright she couldn't take it anymore and had to go back to her car.  A few minutes later a worker on the farm came over to say hello, she asked him "have you seen the sun come out today?"  He said, "no ma'am the sun has been behind these clouds all day, not even a glimpse!"

This lady could have embraced the darkness of that car and the sorrow of her problems and life that she was living, but she decided to just step out of the car and throw up her hands and she found the light- simple as that!

I decided after my conversation with God a few weeks ago to Worship.  I came out of my room, walked into the lit up living room and turned on a Hillsong DVD.  My body was cringing from the light and ached for the darkness again, but as I began singing and Worshiping the maker of light an darkness, all that faded and it was just me and Him standing together in the light.  No more sorrow, no more pain, no more darkness, just pure light.

Please do not judge your fellow Christians to be sinners just because they struggle with something that they need help getting out of, and please do not walk away from someone who does not have the strength to see light in the darkness.  Just because we are Christians does not mean that we cannot walk through a dark tunnel and get lost- be the voice at the other end helping them find the light again!  I get it can be draining, I've been on both sides of the story, but the level of involvement does not have to be extreme. Lending an ear to listen, a text that you are thinking of them, a email that you have prayed for them today!  You do not have to spend hours on the phone with that person counseling or reciting bible verses, but do drop them lines of encouragement!  You will never know how much one small message that says, "thinking of you" can mean to someone who feels the world has forgotten all about them.

A call for prayer.....

We all do things we aren't proud of in times of frustration. I've learned over the years to try and make those moments few and far between because years later I don't want to cringe at the thought of it. I'm also a person who has to have closure. I have never been able to walk away from arguments, accusations, or being wronged without coming to a happy medium. I am a sensitive yet strong person. My main philosophy in life is to think of others before myself, of which I've tried my hardest to do. I can't walk away from someone who is hurting no matter who that person is. If I see someone in pain my heart breaks for that person, and I don't want to leave their side until they are at least smiling again; I tend to carry their burden as well, even if it's someone I'm not close. I've gone through my share of pain over the years and whatever I can do to keep someone else from hurting I will. But there are also those who have chosen not to have a relationship with me, or we just didn't get along, or I've had to walk away from; still I think of each one of those people every day, wishing I could fix things, or just make things right.

 I'm by far NOT a perfect person nor will I ever claim to be. Actually I'm probably one of the most flawed people you will ever meet, which is why I have such a need for Jesus Christ as my Savior. If I was perfect I wouldn't need Him, but it seems like the more that time goes by, the worse I need Him. I don't know if I can blame my revaluation on the fact that I turned 30 this year, but in the last year I've come to some heartbreaking realizations. The world is hateful and they do NOT play fair or nice! While our family is overall happy, Nathan and I have a great marriage and friendship, and our children are happy and loved; we have had a really strange and trying few years. It seems like we can't catch a break in life and no matter what we do or how we respond we get the same reaction from everyone-vengeance!

 Why things like this have been happening to use I have no idea maybe God is testing us, or maybe Satan is trying to keep our family from blessing others; however, something has to give! In the last year, we have had the most unbelievable things happen to us:

 For 5 years, Nathan finished his degree, was a youth pastor, worship pastor, and pastor of christian education. He was made several promises that people would help him start a church, or help him to be ordained and everything fell through. After he finally was ordained, we got to the point that we were so burned out and hurt from "The Church" that we had to have time to heal. We began going to a home-church and slowed way down on doing any type of ministry, and eventually didn't have a home church at all.

In December, I had a falling out with some family members and while we were able to reconcile with some, there are others that we have not.

 In January, I began struggling with postpartum depression. My husband couldn't work because I couldn't take care of the kids. I was in bed for weeks, unable to get up, and then at times I would go for days unable to sleep and started having panic attacks. Nathan finally convinced me to call my OBGYN to make an appointment. When I couldn't make it to that appointment, I called to re-schedule and they said I would have to speak with the billing office. I was transferred to the billing office and the lady told me we owed $30.00 and they would not reschedule my appointment until we paid it. Honestly at that moment I had no idea what we had in our account even though I do the bills. Since I wasn't able to hardly function the last several weeks I was behind on paying things, it wasn't that we didn't have the money it was just that I needed to sit down and look at what needed paid vs. what we had. So I told the lady I would pay it by the end of the month (2 weeks). She said she wanted a payment now and that if we didn't pay now, I couldn't make an appointment and they would send us to Collections. I was confused since I had make a payment the month before I didn't think it would be that huge of a deal. She again argued with me that the bill came out in September and even though we made payments they count it as being 4 month past due because it wasn't paid in full!! I again told her I've been there for 7 years, I've had 5 children at that practice and I've never not paid my bills, please just give me a few weeks I really needed the appointment and It would be paid before I even showed up to be seen. Again she threatened to send it to collections. I got off the phone in tears, feeling like I couldn't get any help! So my husband called her. Again she argued with him and told him the same things and finally after an hour said, "well I guess we could hold the account for two weeks!" So then there was the fact that I needed to be seen. She said she spoke with her supervisor and he said I can't make an appointment till we paid! And was very rude! I tried getting a hold of my doctor thinking that if she just knew the situation she would understand and help out, but she never called me back. Finally Nathan was so upset that no one would help me he gathered up 30.00 in change and took it to the office to pay our bill. While I wasn't happy about his actions I knew he just wanted to get help for his wife who he saw suffering. Two days later I received a certified letter in the mail saying they are refusing to treat me anymore and I need to find another doctor. My heart was completely broken! I couldn't understand how something so innocent as someone trying to get help, turned into this! Yes maybe Nathan shouldn't have gone up there but we were desperate! What bothered me the most is that my doctor didn't even call. After being our physician for 7 years, and never having a problem before this she didn't even wonder why this happened?? The ironic thing is that I had put together a little gift to take to her on my next visit to show her how much I appreciated her.

 In March, we got our trash can repossessed. YES! It wasn't because we didn't pay the bill, it was because they forgot to pick up our trash! Because we have a large family with lots of diapers, we can easily fill up four large trash cans! However we are only allowed to have two. We took our trash down to be picked up one day and they didn't pick it up. Unfortunately we didn't notice it until Friday after business hours so we were unable to call until Monday. They argued with us saying their driver marked it as picked up, but here we had two cans full! For a normal size family it wouldn't be such a huge deal, but for us it is. When our cans are full and we have to put them on the porch, cats and other animals tear into it and then we spend the whole next morning picking it all up! So my husband asked if they could send someone out to pick it up. They told him that they would send him to the voicemail of the owner and he could leave a message. He left a message asking for a call back. The next day...they came and REPOSSESSED our trash can!! When he called to ask why, we were told it was because of a customer service issue and the owner decided to close our account. NO phone call, NOTHING!!

 Now it is April...the last three weeks we've had a virus going through all our kids. We were in a hospital or medical facility 8 our of 9 days, and we were exhausted! Then Nathan's back condition started to get worse. He decided that maybe he needed to get another injection for pain so that we can put off his surgery longer. He called right before the kids got sick and scheduled an appointment. When our daughter ended up in the ER he called to reschedule for the next day but again missed that appointment when we were in the ER again! Now that everyone is finished and well, he called yesterday and apologized for missing his appointment and let them know it was cause our daughter was in the hospital. They scheduled him for an appointment TODAY 4/26/2012 at 2:30pm. Because of the type of injection he has to have a driver after the procedure. So we loaded up 5 children 6 and under, and drove 30 minutes away for our appointment. When we got there I was going to stay in the car with the kids but Pumpkin had to go potty so I unloaded everyone and decided to go up there. When we walked into the office to find Nathan, he was still sitting at a reception desk with a lady behind it talking rudly to him. I asked what was going on and she says, "we do not have an appointment scheduled for him today, but there was one scheduled on the 12th which was rescheduled for the 13th and he didn't show. He also had an appointment scheduled for 4/26/2011 a year ago today at 2:30 but NOT today!" I was so frustrated! I asked her " do you really think that we would drive 30 minutes with 5 children without an appointment?" She says, "even if you did you need a referral which you don't have, and the person he was suppose to see isn't even here today!" I told her that wasn't true, our insurance was open access and we didn't have to have an referral and again she argued with me. She then told me I wasn't being professional, at which I said, "I'm not the one who is employed here to be professional you are." Then she stood up and walked away! 10 minutes later in walks four huge security guards!! SHE CALLED SECURITY ON US!!! The kids were screaming, running crazy in the office, the woman was standing behind the counter with her arms crossed giving a look like "ha, you got yours" and I just broke down crying in the middle of the office sobbing like a baby!! I told her she didn't even try to help us, she was just determined to make this hard, and she should be ashamed of herself that she would do something like this in front of our children!! The kids were scared, I was upset and it was uncalled for! Instead of trying to figure out why our appointment was scheduled for 2011 or asking the new person they hired why she messed up or even trying to fit us in she just wanted to get rid of us!! We also saw the nurse practitioner who we were told was not there, peering through a window at us! I just can't grasp what is happening around us, but as I looked at that lady with tears flowing down my cheeks I just kept thinking "why would she do something like this to us? I would have NEVER done this to her no matter who she was!" This is what always goes through my head when this crazy stuff happens to us, " I would have NEVER treated you this way!"

 Unfortunately the world doesn't care about what our family is going through, or how things effect our family, or even how sincere we are. Someone reminded me a few months ago that the bible says, "do not cast your pearls before swine." I never really understood that saying until recently, but now I've realized that what I value others may not. I value peoples feelings, their hearts, their time, their friendships....but most people don't value those same things. It's not easy living in a world full of people who treat you like you are not valuable.

 I am still struggling with postpartum and really feel like I'm drowning most days, but I have faith now more than ever that God has big things coming our way. While I am a strong person, and I know I can get through this...I'm still human and need support and friends, and most of all PRAYER!! I feel that in my darkest days, everyone had disappeared. No one wants to be around someone who is always having crazy things happen to them, and is always needing venting sessions.

I keep telling myself that this is our Year of Jubilee (or Jubili).  Our 7th year of marriage, in which we had a child named Jubili (Jubilee), and this is the year we will prosper the most!!  In the old testament the 7th year they didn't grow ANY crops, they let their fields rest so that the next year they would have an abundance of fruit!  Hopefully through these trials that is what God is doing with our family!  All we want to do in life is to serve God, and serve his people, but we just keep getting knocked back.  So if you have read this far, our family could really use your prayers.  We really need an army of brothers and sisters in Christ praying for us right now!  Please pray for divine intervention in our lives and God's guidance along with some PEACE!!