Egg Shells.....

The one thing I hate the most about myself is my nervousness!  I get nervous all the time about stupid little stuff!  I guess it's more anxiety.  I get it when I'm around new people, groups of people I don't know, one person, I get anxiety when I'm trying to fix relationships with people, when something unbelievable happens in my life, when I'm driving, when Nathan drives to work, and most of all when someone else is driving.  I've had anxiety issues most of my life but never realized it was such a problem until the last few months.  At least two to three times a day something makes my heart pound, my chest heavy where I can't hardly breathe, and some kind of fear sets in; sometimes I get shaky and sick to my stomach as well.

The first time I ever dealt with anxiety was when I was 20 years old.  I was in several car accidents in a short period of time (all of them were the fault of others), and one in particular just really put me over the edge.  I stopped at a stop light and looked in my rear-view mirror; I actually watched another car slam right into me without even trying to slow down!  After that was when my anxiety showed up (or at least I was able to recognize it but I called it fear).  I couldn't drive a car for weeks without being in tears and shaking the entire drive!  It didn't help that the person I was in a relationship with at the time used my fears as his entertainment!  I would ask him to drive behind me on the way to and from places when we were in separate cars so that someone didn't tailgate me (when people got too close was when I panicked), and he would tailgate me on purpose the entire way to our destination, again causing me to be in tears the entire drive.  Anyways, so when I finally got over the not driving, and having to have someone drive behind me, I realized that I couldn't ride with other people because I would start panicking.  I would press my foot on the floor in the passengers side if I felt we were not stopping fast enough; I would also hang onto the side of the seat, and the door bracing myself the entire ride!  So I finally decided that I just can't let anyone else drive, and I would have to drive everywhere from now on, and I still do!  Occasionally, Nathan will drive, but not that often, and when he does that fear creeps back into my life.

This has effected me in other ways over the years.  And I didn't even realize it was anxiety until recently.  I have a fear of walking into a room full of people I do not know.  Because of this I did not take my ACT's or SAT's when I was in High School because I couldn't bring myself to walk into a room of people staring at me!  I often feel that I am the problem when things go wrong.  I examine, and re-examine myself during conflicts, I go over and over my actions and my words, and question everything I say or do within that conversation or confrontation, that might have caused the other person to react the way they did.  Even when things clearly are not my fault, I still find a way to beat myself up over it, "maybe if I had just said things clearer,"  "Why did I say it that way, it's not what I meant to say," and "I'm so stupid, WHY DID I SAY THAT!"  And then when things are my fault, it's even worse!  I start to panic that that person will never talk to me again, I get scared to even contact that person to tell them I'm sorry, I can't stop "wishing" in my head that I didn't say something the way I said it.  When I'm in a stressful conversation, or especially when I know the situation is very delicate and I need to chose my words wisely, is ALWAYS when I ramble or say something the wrong way and can't figure out how to get what I'm saying across.  My words get all jumbled up and I start to repeat things I've already said trying to re-think how to say it, and then....it's hopeless.    I end up ruining the relationship.  I've lost several potential friendships because of this and even friendships that I've had for years.

I don't know when I became so self-conscious, I guess it might have been throughout my last relationship.  I married my high school sweetheart after high school and it only lasted about two years.  If there is one thing in my life that changed me as a person it was this experience.  It never goes away!  While I don't have feelings for him anymore, and I don't feel hurt by what happened anymore, nor am I angry at him now, the ramifications of that event still effect my life every day!  Some days it's in good ways, but some day's it's in bad.  It has effected my entire personality, and every decision I make.  (**note** what I'm about to share is not to make him look like a bad person because I realize people can change, and genuinely hope he has).  During that relationship I was a battered wife.  Now, back then I would have NEVER considered myself a battered wife, and even after my divorce I still would not have even considered it; however, over the years and looking back at what I went through with him and how people who really love you are suppose to treat you, it was nothing less.  There were people I worked with who would constantly slip me pamphlets and phone numbers of shelters and programs that could help me (based on the things I would share with them), but I always thought, "well, it's not that bad!"  But it was!  I should have never stayed as long as I did!  Every argument was a fight.  It wasn't always a major fight but it was always a fight.  Occasionally, he walked away from me but when he did he left and I spent the next however many hours in a panic!  Other times it became something where he would break something; a piece of furniture, or pull a necklace off my neck and break it.  But most of the time, it was him pushing me into the couch, the bed, and not just once but over and over again.  The biggest fights that happened were things like being dragged down the hallway by my ankle, and thrown through a wall where I had to actually pull myself out of the wall.  I think I didn't think these things were abuse because I felt like I had brought it on myself because I would be so bold to him at times and I would try to stand up for myself.  He never hit me or punched me, he would just push and throw me a lot, as well as verbal abuse.

People just couldn't understand why I stayed and allowed him to treat me that way, but I stayed even till the very end until he decided he didn't want me anymore.  I never was strong enough to actually walk away myself, it took him cheating on me, and then him filing for divorce.  Even then, I told him I could forgive him and we could get passed it; I even refused to sign the papers for a while.  By the time I finally left, I felt like an empty shell of a person!  I was ashamed, angry, hurt, betrayed, and felt like my life was over.  There were things he said to me during that time at the end, things that have stuck with me and will probably always be with me the rest of my life.  Things like, "you will never find a man who would be willing to put up with you,"  "she is better than you,"  "I didn't want a baby with you because I can't stand the thought of your big fat belly."  These things always stick with me.  I remember being so afraid to say anything around him sometimes.  I felt like anything I said or did would make him mad even if I didn't mean it the way it came out.  Life was nothing but eggshells that was already cracking!  

After the divorce, I found myself so conscious of everything I did that I wouldn't do or say anything unless I was convinced that there was no way I could be wrong in my actions.  I became the most confident person on the outside because of this, but the most self-conscious person on the inside.  When I met Nathan I gave him such a hard time!  I was horrible to him!  I pushed him away over and over again because I was so scared that he would eventually find something about me that he couldn't stand, or even worse SOMEONE who was better.  I became convinced that everyone I love would eventually leave me, and I accrued friendships where I even felt I had to walk on egg shells.  But while there were some bad and still some bad, there have been A LOT of good!  God has put people in my pathway over the last several years who have been in the same situations.  People whose husband was cheating on them, people about to go through divorce, people going through divorce, and people who have been battered wives.  I have been able to have the honor of being there for these women and being able to talk them through their darkest days.  While a lot of people have been through divorce, not everyone is able to really connect with people who are going through it now.  I've been able to help women come to the realization that they are precious when they've been told they are not, I've convinced some to try to work on situations that were fixable,  I've actually helped women leave abusive situations and get them out safely, discreetly, and securely, and I've just been there for a shoulder to cry on or vent to.  I do this not just because it's what I feel they need at the time but because I remember how it feels to sit in an empty house on a holiday without any family or friends around wondering where your husband is and who he is with!  I remember the fear calling 911, and stepping out to get the restraining order.  If I only had someone there with me to help me with these things it wouldn't have been as scary.  So that's my ultimate desire.  I would love to open up a Women's shelter one day to help these women who are walking on "cracked eggshells."   I want to be able to tell them that I know it's hard to leave, and to build them up and give them hope when they can't see a future or are just completely empty and broken inside.

So yes, maybe I say stupid things sometimes, maybe I will have to lose some really great friends who are completely dear to my heart because I just jumbled my words and couldn't get out my thoughts or exactly what I meant.  But if dealing with such bad anxiety the rest of my life will make it possible for me to help bare another torn down woman's pain, and help them to see that God values their life and so should their spouse; then I'd rather be lonely the rest of my life!  Life isn't about me, it's about other people (and of course worshiping God).  I can't walk on cracked egg shells anymore because it makes me too afraid, too nervous and panicked, and hopefully one day I will have thousands of women who can say they can't either!  It's hard to walk out of egg shells without someone there to guide you.

FREEDOM!

Don't you just love those moments when God just smacks you upside the head with a humongous cement brick! I gotta say he beat me up pretty well while I was reading my latest book "Eternal Security" by Charles Stanley. I'm still pretty sore from it, but it's a good sore. You know the kind of sore you get after going to the gym for an hour or two after not exercising a day in your life? And it's the kind of bruise that you want to walk around wearing proudly because even though you look pretty darn bad, the other guy looks EVEN WORSE- if you get my point.

7 years ago I went through what I thought at the time was the most painful thing anyone could ever go through. A divorce is hardly joyful, but for me, someone who never wanted a divorce and wanted someone who loved me and only me, my life was over. Now looking back on it 7 years later, I don't even know who that person coming out of that divorce was; God has changed me so much! And that was my first glimpse of grace.

I remember it like yesterday driving that 10 hour drive back home to mama through the mountains in my black Jeep- praying, and crying, singing, and praying some more. And one specific prayer I prayed over and over again, "Oh Lord, I don't think I can get through this, all I wanted was to be a wife and mother, and have a loving family! MY GOD, WILL I NEVER HAVE THAT NOW?! Who Lord, who would ever want me?! What God-fearing man would ever want someone who is used up and thrown to the side, Lord? Oh God, I don't know that I can get through this without knowing that one day I will have these things; please Lord, send me a Godly man- someone who loves You more than me, and me more than anything else. Give me my own family to love who will return that love!" And not only did He give me that God-fearing, Toneka-lovin' man, but he gave me 4 children, and more than I could ever ask for(keep reading).

The guilt alone from being in this situation was exhausting! Even though I knew it wasn't my fault(the divorce), I still felt so shameful and embarrassed; I felt that I had failed. The thought of coming back to my old church and having to tell everyone I was getting a divorce was humiliating! What would they say, and would they treat me like the sinner I thought that I was?

New Year's Eve, an old friend of mine took me out to see everyone for the first time since I had been back. When I was told who would be in the room before we walked in, it intensified my fears. One person in particular (lets call him BOB for now) was there whom I, in the past, thought wasn't very fond of me. I figured he would be far from the last person in that room to be happy to see me. But when I walked in that door, he was the fist person to jump up and hug me. Much to my surprise, he was genuinely excited to see me, as were the others! I rekindled many old friendships, made many new friendships, and was welcomed back with open arms.

One night, Bob and I were talking about the things I had been going through when he started to tell me how I needed to forgive myself because God had already forgiven me! He kept telling me over and over about how I needed to just accept his Grace, and I remember him saying "Toneka, one day you will understand what I mean by Grace."

I've gotten a glimpse at true grace twice since that conversation. Once a few weeks later and now after reading this book.

A few weeks later we did a foot washing with communion at small group. I felt totally uncomfortable, embarrassed, unworthy and just mortified that Bob was going to go around the room and wash my feet after giving me communion. As I watched Bob get closer and closer to me, I began to feel the lump in my throat get bigger and harder to swallow. The tears that had been falling for months that I thought were dried up now were suddenly back and more powerful than ever! I just remember thinking "I don't want him to do this! I don't deserve for him to wash MY feet, he has been nothing but accepting of me and such a great friend to me, I should be washing his feet!"

I didn't want to eat of the bread because it was "HIS BODY broken for me!" I was already broken enough for everyone in that room it wasn't fair that Christ had to be too. I didn't want to drink of the juice it was "HIS BLOOD that was poured out for me." I just remember the feeling of wanting to scream at the cross and tell him "DON'T DO IT, I'LL JUST LET YOU DOWN!!" And that's when I realized- no matter what, whether I wanted Him to or not, He died for me! No matter what, even though He already knew I'd let Him down, there was nothing I could do to stop Him.

And here I am again 7 years later, remembering Bob's famous words "Toneka, one day you will understand what I mean by Grace." Although I don't know that I agreed with what the book was saying 100%, Charles Stanley was talking about how even if you walked away from Christ, you STILL would never lose your salvation! Even though we are not faithful to Him, he will always remain faithful to us. You see, I've lived my entire Christian life feeling like at any moment Christ could come back, catch me in a lie, and I'd go to hell. It wasn't until this week that I actually FINALLY started to see the depth of God's love and grace. As I was reading Mr. Stanley's words, I just kept saying to myself, "WHY WOULD HE DO THIS!?" and it was then that God said "you don't understand... because you have never understood My grace."

I've always "KNOWN" that salvation is not by works, but somehow the words got lost between my mouth and my brain. I was never, until now, able to realize that I was still living (bound) by "The Law" somehow. It's been a huge weight off my shoulders to know that I can't lose my salvation by sinning, but that I have freedom in Christ. Not to mention, It's great to be able to say "Bob, I finally understand what you were trying to tell me! Thank you Bob!" It's about our position with God- we are forgiven, transformed heirs and children of God- through what Jesus did- not through what we keep "trying" to do ... live a perfect life! Christ did that for us already; He was the spotless lamb, the sacrifice! I heard in a song recently, "why do I keep trying to earn what I already have?" We have to know that "Your Grace is Enough!" In another song by Tenth Avenue North,

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark