FREEDOM!

Don't you just love those moments when God just smacks you upside the head with a humongous cement brick! I gotta say he beat me up pretty well while I was reading my latest book "Eternal Security" by Charles Stanley. I'm still pretty sore from it, but it's a good sore. You know the kind of sore you get after going to the gym for an hour or two after not exercising a day in your life? And it's the kind of bruise that you want to walk around wearing proudly because even though you look pretty darn bad, the other guy looks EVEN WORSE- if you get my point.

7 years ago I went through what I thought at the time was the most painful thing anyone could ever go through. A divorce is hardly joyful, but for me, someone who never wanted a divorce and wanted someone who loved me and only me, my life was over. Now looking back on it 7 years later, I don't even know who that person coming out of that divorce was; God has changed me so much! And that was my first glimpse of grace.

I remember it like yesterday driving that 10 hour drive back home to mama through the mountains in my black Jeep- praying, and crying, singing, and praying some more. And one specific prayer I prayed over and over again, "Oh Lord, I don't think I can get through this, all I wanted was to be a wife and mother, and have a loving family! MY GOD, WILL I NEVER HAVE THAT NOW?! Who Lord, who would ever want me?! What God-fearing man would ever want someone who is used up and thrown to the side, Lord? Oh God, I don't know that I can get through this without knowing that one day I will have these things; please Lord, send me a Godly man- someone who loves You more than me, and me more than anything else. Give me my own family to love who will return that love!" And not only did He give me that God-fearing, Toneka-lovin' man, but he gave me 4 children, and more than I could ever ask for(keep reading).

The guilt alone from being in this situation was exhausting! Even though I knew it wasn't my fault(the divorce), I still felt so shameful and embarrassed; I felt that I had failed. The thought of coming back to my old church and having to tell everyone I was getting a divorce was humiliating! What would they say, and would they treat me like the sinner I thought that I was?

New Year's Eve, an old friend of mine took me out to see everyone for the first time since I had been back. When I was told who would be in the room before we walked in, it intensified my fears. One person in particular (lets call him BOB for now) was there whom I, in the past, thought wasn't very fond of me. I figured he would be far from the last person in that room to be happy to see me. But when I walked in that door, he was the fist person to jump up and hug me. Much to my surprise, he was genuinely excited to see me, as were the others! I rekindled many old friendships, made many new friendships, and was welcomed back with open arms.

One night, Bob and I were talking about the things I had been going through when he started to tell me how I needed to forgive myself because God had already forgiven me! He kept telling me over and over about how I needed to just accept his Grace, and I remember him saying "Toneka, one day you will understand what I mean by Grace."

I've gotten a glimpse at true grace twice since that conversation. Once a few weeks later and now after reading this book.

A few weeks later we did a foot washing with communion at small group. I felt totally uncomfortable, embarrassed, unworthy and just mortified that Bob was going to go around the room and wash my feet after giving me communion. As I watched Bob get closer and closer to me, I began to feel the lump in my throat get bigger and harder to swallow. The tears that had been falling for months that I thought were dried up now were suddenly back and more powerful than ever! I just remember thinking "I don't want him to do this! I don't deserve for him to wash MY feet, he has been nothing but accepting of me and such a great friend to me, I should be washing his feet!"

I didn't want to eat of the bread because it was "HIS BODY broken for me!" I was already broken enough for everyone in that room it wasn't fair that Christ had to be too. I didn't want to drink of the juice it was "HIS BLOOD that was poured out for me." I just remember the feeling of wanting to scream at the cross and tell him "DON'T DO IT, I'LL JUST LET YOU DOWN!!" And that's when I realized- no matter what, whether I wanted Him to or not, He died for me! No matter what, even though He already knew I'd let Him down, there was nothing I could do to stop Him.

And here I am again 7 years later, remembering Bob's famous words "Toneka, one day you will understand what I mean by Grace." Although I don't know that I agreed with what the book was saying 100%, Charles Stanley was talking about how even if you walked away from Christ, you STILL would never lose your salvation! Even though we are not faithful to Him, he will always remain faithful to us. You see, I've lived my entire Christian life feeling like at any moment Christ could come back, catch me in a lie, and I'd go to hell. It wasn't until this week that I actually FINALLY started to see the depth of God's love and grace. As I was reading Mr. Stanley's words, I just kept saying to myself, "WHY WOULD HE DO THIS!?" and it was then that God said "you don't understand... because you have never understood My grace."

I've always "KNOWN" that salvation is not by works, but somehow the words got lost between my mouth and my brain. I was never, until now, able to realize that I was still living (bound) by "The Law" somehow. It's been a huge weight off my shoulders to know that I can't lose my salvation by sinning, but that I have freedom in Christ. Not to mention, It's great to be able to say "Bob, I finally understand what you were trying to tell me! Thank you Bob!" It's about our position with God- we are forgiven, transformed heirs and children of God- through what Jesus did- not through what we keep "trying" to do ... live a perfect life! Christ did that for us already; He was the spotless lamb, the sacrifice! I heard in a song recently, "why do I keep trying to earn what I already have?" We have to know that "Your Grace is Enough!" In another song by Tenth Avenue North,

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark