Egg Shells.....

The one thing I hate the most about myself is my nervousness!  I get nervous all the time about stupid little stuff!  I guess it's more anxiety.  I get it when I'm around new people, groups of people I don't know, one person, I get anxiety when I'm trying to fix relationships with people, when something unbelievable happens in my life, when I'm driving, when Nathan drives to work, and most of all when someone else is driving.  I've had anxiety issues most of my life but never realized it was such a problem until the last few months.  At least two to three times a day something makes my heart pound, my chest heavy where I can't hardly breathe, and some kind of fear sets in; sometimes I get shaky and sick to my stomach as well.

The first time I ever dealt with anxiety was when I was 20 years old.  I was in several car accidents in a short period of time (all of them were the fault of others), and one in particular just really put me over the edge.  I stopped at a stop light and looked in my rear-view mirror; I actually watched another car slam right into me without even trying to slow down!  After that was when my anxiety showed up (or at least I was able to recognize it but I called it fear).  I couldn't drive a car for weeks without being in tears and shaking the entire drive!  It didn't help that the person I was in a relationship with at the time used my fears as his entertainment!  I would ask him to drive behind me on the way to and from places when we were in separate cars so that someone didn't tailgate me (when people got too close was when I panicked), and he would tailgate me on purpose the entire way to our destination, again causing me to be in tears the entire drive.  Anyways, so when I finally got over the not driving, and having to have someone drive behind me, I realized that I couldn't ride with other people because I would start panicking.  I would press my foot on the floor in the passengers side if I felt we were not stopping fast enough; I would also hang onto the side of the seat, and the door bracing myself the entire ride!  So I finally decided that I just can't let anyone else drive, and I would have to drive everywhere from now on, and I still do!  Occasionally, Nathan will drive, but not that often, and when he does that fear creeps back into my life.

This has effected me in other ways over the years.  And I didn't even realize it was anxiety until recently.  I have a fear of walking into a room full of people I do not know.  Because of this I did not take my ACT's or SAT's when I was in High School because I couldn't bring myself to walk into a room of people staring at me!  I often feel that I am the problem when things go wrong.  I examine, and re-examine myself during conflicts, I go over and over my actions and my words, and question everything I say or do within that conversation or confrontation, that might have caused the other person to react the way they did.  Even when things clearly are not my fault, I still find a way to beat myself up over it, "maybe if I had just said things clearer,"  "Why did I say it that way, it's not what I meant to say," and "I'm so stupid, WHY DID I SAY THAT!"  And then when things are my fault, it's even worse!  I start to panic that that person will never talk to me again, I get scared to even contact that person to tell them I'm sorry, I can't stop "wishing" in my head that I didn't say something the way I said it.  When I'm in a stressful conversation, or especially when I know the situation is very delicate and I need to chose my words wisely, is ALWAYS when I ramble or say something the wrong way and can't figure out how to get what I'm saying across.  My words get all jumbled up and I start to repeat things I've already said trying to re-think how to say it, and then....it's hopeless.    I end up ruining the relationship.  I've lost several potential friendships because of this and even friendships that I've had for years.

I don't know when I became so self-conscious, I guess it might have been throughout my last relationship.  I married my high school sweetheart after high school and it only lasted about two years.  If there is one thing in my life that changed me as a person it was this experience.  It never goes away!  While I don't have feelings for him anymore, and I don't feel hurt by what happened anymore, nor am I angry at him now, the ramifications of that event still effect my life every day!  Some days it's in good ways, but some day's it's in bad.  It has effected my entire personality, and every decision I make.  (**note** what I'm about to share is not to make him look like a bad person because I realize people can change, and genuinely hope he has).  During that relationship I was a battered wife.  Now, back then I would have NEVER considered myself a battered wife, and even after my divorce I still would not have even considered it; however, over the years and looking back at what I went through with him and how people who really love you are suppose to treat you, it was nothing less.  There were people I worked with who would constantly slip me pamphlets and phone numbers of shelters and programs that could help me (based on the things I would share with them), but I always thought, "well, it's not that bad!"  But it was!  I should have never stayed as long as I did!  Every argument was a fight.  It wasn't always a major fight but it was always a fight.  Occasionally, he walked away from me but when he did he left and I spent the next however many hours in a panic!  Other times it became something where he would break something; a piece of furniture, or pull a necklace off my neck and break it.  But most of the time, it was him pushing me into the couch, the bed, and not just once but over and over again.  The biggest fights that happened were things like being dragged down the hallway by my ankle, and thrown through a wall where I had to actually pull myself out of the wall.  I think I didn't think these things were abuse because I felt like I had brought it on myself because I would be so bold to him at times and I would try to stand up for myself.  He never hit me or punched me, he would just push and throw me a lot, as well as verbal abuse.

People just couldn't understand why I stayed and allowed him to treat me that way, but I stayed even till the very end until he decided he didn't want me anymore.  I never was strong enough to actually walk away myself, it took him cheating on me, and then him filing for divorce.  Even then, I told him I could forgive him and we could get passed it; I even refused to sign the papers for a while.  By the time I finally left, I felt like an empty shell of a person!  I was ashamed, angry, hurt, betrayed, and felt like my life was over.  There were things he said to me during that time at the end, things that have stuck with me and will probably always be with me the rest of my life.  Things like, "you will never find a man who would be willing to put up with you,"  "she is better than you,"  "I didn't want a baby with you because I can't stand the thought of your big fat belly."  These things always stick with me.  I remember being so afraid to say anything around him sometimes.  I felt like anything I said or did would make him mad even if I didn't mean it the way it came out.  Life was nothing but eggshells that was already cracking!  

After the divorce, I found myself so conscious of everything I did that I wouldn't do or say anything unless I was convinced that there was no way I could be wrong in my actions.  I became the most confident person on the outside because of this, but the most self-conscious person on the inside.  When I met Nathan I gave him such a hard time!  I was horrible to him!  I pushed him away over and over again because I was so scared that he would eventually find something about me that he couldn't stand, or even worse SOMEONE who was better.  I became convinced that everyone I love would eventually leave me, and I accrued friendships where I even felt I had to walk on egg shells.  But while there were some bad and still some bad, there have been A LOT of good!  God has put people in my pathway over the last several years who have been in the same situations.  People whose husband was cheating on them, people about to go through divorce, people going through divorce, and people who have been battered wives.  I have been able to have the honor of being there for these women and being able to talk them through their darkest days.  While a lot of people have been through divorce, not everyone is able to really connect with people who are going through it now.  I've been able to help women come to the realization that they are precious when they've been told they are not, I've convinced some to try to work on situations that were fixable,  I've actually helped women leave abusive situations and get them out safely, discreetly, and securely, and I've just been there for a shoulder to cry on or vent to.  I do this not just because it's what I feel they need at the time but because I remember how it feels to sit in an empty house on a holiday without any family or friends around wondering where your husband is and who he is with!  I remember the fear calling 911, and stepping out to get the restraining order.  If I only had someone there with me to help me with these things it wouldn't have been as scary.  So that's my ultimate desire.  I would love to open up a Women's shelter one day to help these women who are walking on "cracked eggshells."   I want to be able to tell them that I know it's hard to leave, and to build them up and give them hope when they can't see a future or are just completely empty and broken inside.

So yes, maybe I say stupid things sometimes, maybe I will have to lose some really great friends who are completely dear to my heart because I just jumbled my words and couldn't get out my thoughts or exactly what I meant.  But if dealing with such bad anxiety the rest of my life will make it possible for me to help bare another torn down woman's pain, and help them to see that God values their life and so should their spouse; then I'd rather be lonely the rest of my life!  Life isn't about me, it's about other people (and of course worshiping God).  I can't walk on cracked egg shells anymore because it makes me too afraid, too nervous and panicked, and hopefully one day I will have thousands of women who can say they can't either!  It's hard to walk out of egg shells without someone there to guide you.