Saturday, May 12, 2012

Awakening the heart....

Today has been an emotional day for me.  I'm really letting my mind get the best of me these last few days.  I really wish that we went ahead and got the surgery for Nathan's back when we first got married, but it seems we have chosen to do most things in our lives backwards so why not this too.  We got married, had kids then he finished college.  We had five kids then I decided to go to college.  So why not wait till I'm in college, taking care of five kids and homeschooling...THEN have the surgery.

I have a problem with really realizing that the people I love have health problems.  It's like I hear it, I know it but it never makes it to my heart until it has to.  For instance, six years ago my father was diagnosed with kidney failure.  His entire life turned upside down.  For almost a year or so I tried to ignore that it was happening.  I knew it, I had sympathy for him and wished I could take it away...but I didn't allow myself to feel the pain I should have felt knowing my dad had kidney failure, until I had no choice.  One day he was admitted to the hospital having some issues.  One minuted he was acting fine, had a conversation with me and the next minute I was being pushed against the hospital wall while over 20 doctors came rushing in with paddles and radios and called a code blue.  I just remember being in shock, feeling like the world just blew up around me and I couldn't figure out what was going on.  Life really comes into perspective when you are watching the man who used to rock you to sleep diminishing before your eyes.  He did stabilize and  was in the ICU for a while,  and they did not have to use the paddles on him, however; it was like they used them on me.  That was the first time since finding out he was sick that I actually allowed myself to feel the pain from it.  It became real to me then.

I have a slight problem with putting up a thin wall to guard my heart from things.  That is exactly what I've been doing with Nathan's back for so long.  I've known he has had back issues since the day we met, but I didn't care because I love him and that is all that matters.  I also tried to put the fact that he would eventually have to have surgery out of my mind since it wasn't happening then.  I just figured that when the day came I would deal with it then.  And here I am.  The day is getting closer and closer, and my mind is going a million miles per minute imagining the worse, the best, the in between of every outcome that is possible.  We haven't even scheduled the surgery yet but I feel so nervous about this appointment on Monday, almost like this is the surgery itself!  Probably because this is the preparation for everything and I just don't see how he will be able to walk out of there without them making him schedule surgery.  So needless to say my heart has woken up this week, and it has not been pleasant.

My husband, he is my best friend!  I know it's hard for some to imagine a husband and wife who never want to be apart but to us it's normal.  I've only been away from him 1 week, the entire time we've been married! I do go to mommy's night out's and go out with friends, but there isn't a whole lot in life that I do not want to share with my husband.  I'm so thankful to have found someone who feels the same about me.  Of course we have disagreements and we are different people but he is truly my other half and to be away from him makes it hard to fully function the correct way.  I just wish there was a way for me to take away his pain without him having to go through this, and without our kids having to go through this.

Tonight we were all in the car and Nathan ran into the store to pick up something.  I was telling the girls that we have to spend tomorrow cleaning up and packing because we were going on a mini-overnight-vacation.  I told them that daddy would have to go to the doctor to see if they could fix his back.  They of course wanted to know how that would work, and so I told them that they would put him to sleep and then do surgery to fix his back so he isn't in pain anymore.  Pumpkin says, "But mommy what if he won't wake up?  What if he sleeps forever?"   It was so hard to assure her that he daddy will be okay because we are going to pray that God is with him, when I myself have been having the same thoughts!  But I did tell her that and she was okay with the fact that God was going to take care of him.  If only I could have the faith of my children.  I do trust God, but I trust that he will do HIS will and sometimes what we want is not always in His will.  I just pray that this time it is.  I know it sounds silly to worry this much about a surgery but I have five children who need a daddy, five little girls who NEED a father figure in their lives in order to have a fulfilled life.

So tonight I just broke down!  I just needed a good cry, my heart, mind, and life has been so overwhelmed recently that crying was a good thing.  I believe that Nathan will be okay because God has big plans to use him and he hasn't even started yet!!  But it's just really hard to remember that all the time.  Fully surrendering everything to God, every single day...is something that is so easy yet so hard at the same time.  Worry is my biggest demon!  But like everything else I'm determined to fight that with whatever is left in me to fight with.  It's going to be a long weekend!

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