We have a date for surgery......

We've had a rough couple of days this week.  Nathan got his last shot for a while on Tuesday which has caused him to not feel very good at all the last couple days.  I don't know if it was the shot itself, the combination of the shot and his medication, or maybe he is coming down with the virus we've all had; but whatever it was he has not been himself.

Tuesday we packed up the kids and drove to St. Mary's for his last shot for a while.  The girls and I waited in the car while he went inside.  From the moment he got back in the car he was a mess.  His back has been in so much pain he cannot move!  Every time he has had a shot the next few days have been really tough pain wise.  One of the side effects is that his pain will become inflamed and this time that has been an understatement.  For two days, he has felt hot and cold, nauseous and restless, and has not been able to do anything.  My mother in law has been coming over to help watch the kids when I have errands to run because he can't do it anymore which has made things pretty tough.

 We also spoke with his surgeon's office Tuesday and they let us know that his surgery is scheduled for October 5th.  It has been a little emotional for both of us to actually have a date now when it will take place, but then again it's a little bit of a relief that he will not have to be in so much pain for much longer.  We will go back to Charlottesville in August for one last appointment before the surgery.  We will get all the details of surgery day and accommodations for the girls and I then.  They will also be taking a CAT scan of his spine then in order to plan out his surgery.  But for now we are trying to keep him comfortable which has been proving to be more and more challenging every day!

I wish we would have re-scheduled his shot for next week instead of this week with all we have going on!  Little Bear had recital photos yesterday, today is rehearsal, friday we have someone coming to give us a 2nd estimate on our fence for the back yard, and Saturday we will be running between recital and a wedding.  His shot put a little kink in things, so far as, him not being able to keep the kids when we go to rehearsal, and photos, and the grocery store etc.  But my mother-in-law has been a huge help.  She picked up some milk for us last night and took her lunch break yesterday to be here with Nathan & the girls so I could take Little Bear for pictures.  I've been really thankful to have her help!

So today Nathan will have physical therapy this afternoon, before we head to rehearsal for Little Bear.  I'm praying that he will feel well enough to at least sit in the car with them while we are there!  Meanwhile, I've been chasing Sweet-pea around the house all morning long trying to keep her diaper on her!  lol  This kid (21 mo) is determined to use the potty, and I'm determined she is going to wear the diaper!  Ever since Hobble-bobble has been going potty, she has had to be a big girl too!  She will pull off the diaper (poop and all) and sit on the potty until I come in a make her put on another one.  Five minutes later I find that diaper laying in the hall and her sitting on the potty!  lol  I am just so scarred from potty training Pumpkin that there is no way it can be this easy with Sweet-pea!

On the upside, I received an email last night from Liberty University, that I have made the Dean's list!!  My GPA was a 4.0 this past summer semester!  This is HUGE for me considering I haven't even made honor roll since Elementary school, and it's been 12 years since I graduated High School!  I never thought I'd actually be in college, let alone that I'd be on the Dean's list!  I just hope I can keep my grades up that high throughout the next 3.5 years!

So with that here is hoping our day goes smoothly today!!

Awakening the heart....

Today has been an emotional day for me.  I'm really letting my mind get the best of me these last few days.  I really wish that we went ahead and got the surgery for Nathan's back when we first got married, but it seems we have chosen to do most things in our lives backwards so why not this too.  We got married, had kids then he finished college.  We had five kids then I decided to go to college.  So why not wait till I'm in college, taking care of five kids and homeschooling...THEN have the surgery.

I have a problem with really realizing that the people I love have health problems.  It's like I hear it, I know it but it never makes it to my heart until it has to.  For instance, six years ago my father was diagnosed with kidney failure.  His entire life turned upside down.  For almost a year or so I tried to ignore that it was happening.  I knew it, I had sympathy for him and wished I could take it away...but I didn't allow myself to feel the pain I should have felt knowing my dad had kidney failure, until I had no choice.  One day he was admitted to the hospital having some issues.  One minuted he was acting fine, had a conversation with me and the next minute I was being pushed against the hospital wall while over 20 doctors came rushing in with paddles and radios and called a code blue.  I just remember being in shock, feeling like the world just blew up around me and I couldn't figure out what was going on.  Life really comes into perspective when you are watching the man who used to rock you to sleep diminishing before your eyes.  He did stabilize and  was in the ICU for a while,  and they did not have to use the paddles on him, however; it was like they used them on me.  That was the first time since finding out he was sick that I actually allowed myself to feel the pain from it.  It became real to me then.

I have a slight problem with putting up a thin wall to guard my heart from things.  That is exactly what I've been doing with Nathan's back for so long.  I've known he has had back issues since the day we met, but I didn't care because I love him and that is all that matters.  I also tried to put the fact that he would eventually have to have surgery out of my mind since it wasn't happening then.  I just figured that when the day came I would deal with it then.  And here I am.  The day is getting closer and closer, and my mind is going a million miles per minute imagining the worse, the best, the in between of every outcome that is possible.  We haven't even scheduled the surgery yet but I feel so nervous about this appointment on Monday, almost like this is the surgery itself!  Probably because this is the preparation for everything and I just don't see how he will be able to walk out of there without them making him schedule surgery.  So needless to say my heart has woken up this week, and it has not been pleasant.

My husband, he is my best friend!  I know it's hard for some to imagine a husband and wife who never want to be apart but to us it's normal.  I've only been away from him 1 week, the entire time we've been married! I do go to mommy's night out's and go out with friends, but there isn't a whole lot in life that I do not want to share with my husband.  I'm so thankful to have found someone who feels the same about me.  Of course we have disagreements and we are different people but he is truly my other half and to be away from him makes it hard to fully function the correct way.  I just wish there was a way for me to take away his pain without him having to go through this, and without our kids having to go through this.

Tonight we were all in the car and Nathan ran into the store to pick up something.  I was telling the girls that we have to spend tomorrow cleaning up and packing because we were going on a mini-overnight-vacation.  I told them that daddy would have to go to the doctor to see if they could fix his back.  They of course wanted to know how that would work, and so I told them that they would put him to sleep and then do surgery to fix his back so he isn't in pain anymore.  Pumpkin says, "But mommy what if he won't wake up?  What if he sleeps forever?"   It was so hard to assure her that he daddy will be okay because we are going to pray that God is with him, when I myself have been having the same thoughts!  But I did tell her that and she was okay with the fact that God was going to take care of him.  If only I could have the faith of my children.  I do trust God, but I trust that he will do HIS will and sometimes what we want is not always in His will.  I just pray that this time it is.  I know it sounds silly to worry this much about a surgery but I have five children who need a daddy, five little girls who NEED a father figure in their lives in order to have a fulfilled life.

So tonight I just broke down!  I just needed a good cry, my heart, mind, and life has been so overwhelmed recently that crying was a good thing.  I believe that Nathan will be okay because God has big plans to use him and he hasn't even started yet!!  But it's just really hard to remember that all the time.  Fully surrendering everything to God, every single day...is something that is so easy yet so hard at the same time.  Worry is my biggest demon!  But like everything else I'm determined to fight that with whatever is left in me to fight with.  It's going to be a long weekend!

Surgery may be in our future, but God uses all things for good...

So in a previous post I wrote about our experience at Nathan's pain doctor and how we were surprisingly kicked out of the office because they didn't want to deal with a mistake they made.  Well that entire situation turned out to be a huge blessing!!  I told you all, God always uses everything for good.

To give you a little background on Nathan's back condition; He has a condition called spondylolisthesis.  After a car accident in college where a woman hit him from behind while he was at a complete stop his spine was shifted forward at his L5 S1.  Overtime it has become more and more severe.  At this point his spine is not fused together and it is shifted forward at a grade 4, which is a 75% slippage.  When we first got married he was always in pain, yet, he only had to take a pain pill on occasion.  The last two years for him have been really challenging.  We drive to Charlottesville to UVA, to see our orthopedic-neurosurgeon first it was once a year...then it was once every 6 months...then once every 3 months.  He originally told us that until he can not hardly even stand up anymore...wait to have the surgery.  And that is what we've been trying to do.  After a series of physical therapy, a round of cortisone shots, and upping his medication...he was getting worse.  In August 2011, was our last visit to UVA.  At that point it was getting hard for him to get out of bed in the mornings.  There were mornings his legs would go numb and he would lose feeling in them and he would fall over when he go up.  They did an MRI of his spine and could see where it was putting pressure on his nerves.  The doctor gave us 2 choices.  (1) schedule surgery today for November, or (2) wait a month, try strengthening his muscles a bit, pray for a miracle and come back in a month and schedule surgery.  At that point surgery was really bad timing for us.  I was due to have our 5th child in less than a month and having a newborn, recovering from giving birth, taking care of 5 children and helping Nathan through recovery was just not looking too great right then.  So we went home and prayed about things and we both didn't feel peaceful about it.

In January he spoke with his surgeons nurse practitioner.  She gave him the 411 about the surgery.  There is two different surgeries  that they could preform.  (1) would be a titanium disk replacement, which would give him more mobility and would be the best option, but the problem is that since it's such a new thing, insurance will not cover it at all!  or (2) Double spinal fusion.  This would be where they open him up from the back fuse his spine at L5, S1, and also L5, L4 (i believe) and it would be secured with rods and screws.  This surgery would limit his flexibility.  She said it would be best to put it off as long as he can because over time his spine will start to wear out at the next disk up, and that would would need fused, and on, and on...all the way up his spine.  It is possible he would have to have surgery every 10 years.  They also warned him that any twisting, bending and movement could cause the screws to pop out and he would have to have it done again.  So naturally we began praying for our miracle.  (we have actually been praying for that for years!)

We did receive a small miracle though.  At one of his appointments they took his x-ray and the doctor said, "wow, looks like there are little tiny bones that has grown up around your spine to hold it in place so it doesn't slip anymore!"

So back to now....

After our incident with the pain specialist, we were in search for a new one.  My mom works in a doctors office and sent me a link to another one.  We called and made an appointment for this past Tuesday.  They told us that they would send us paperwork in the mail to confirm our appointment, and when we didn't receive it we were a little hesitant for him to go that morning after what happened at the last doctor.  But he did.  When he was finished there he called me on my cell and said, "I am so glad what happened happened!!  This doctor is amazing!"  So basically he checked the strength in Nathan's feet and he had weakness in his toes.  He wasn't able to push up on the doctors hands with his toes when he pushed them down.  Right away he got on the phone with Nathans surgeon at UVA.  He told him he wanted to work with him in order to treat Nathan the best possible way, and that he had found weakness in his toes and needed to figure out if it was new weakness or if it's always been there.  He then scheduled him an appointment at UVA for this coming Monday morning in order to get it checked out!!  He assured Nathan that if it is new weakness that it would be in his best interest to get the surgery now because it will save his strength and prevent him from having to be in a wheel chair later in life.  He gave him a back brace to help him with stability when he is walking a lot and he has a cain now to help him take the pressure off his back while walking.

So, Monday will start the long process of events.  We will head to Charlottesville Sunday night and spend the night for him to be at his 8am appointment in the morning.  Then we will load everyone up and head back home to make it to his pain specialist by 3pm for his first injection.  Wednesday he will have to go back to the pain specialist for physical therapy, 2 more shots 1 each week for the next 2 weeks.  I"m sure once we get to Charlottesville we will more than likely end up scheduling his surgery.

I can't help but feel petrified at all of this.  I think my biggest fear isn't the surgery itself but the anesthesia.  Nathan has never had anesthesia, so we have no idea how he will respond to it, and he is very sensitive to medications so that worries me!  The thought of sitting in the waiting room for 6-8 hours while he is opened up and being operated on makes my stomach churn.  I know that God will see us through this.  He has everything else!  I know he will allow everything to fall in place the way it is suppose to but I'm human and it's a scary thing!

I wasn't able to hear the sermon at church Sunday since I had to stay in the nursery with the girls.  So I listened to it online last night.  The Pastor talked about Jonah and the whale.  He said that Jonah didn't want to do what God told him and ran, and because God loved him God pursued him.  He gave him trial, after trial after trial until FINALLY he got him alone in the belly of the whale where he had no choice but to listen to God.  He talked about how God used everyone of those trials to refine Jonah and open his eyes.  It really hit home for me.  I feel like after we were hurt so bad in the church, after Nathan was finally ordained.  We decided we had enough and didn't want to pursue ministry anymore.  Since then we've had trial, after trial after trial.  We've gone through losing everyone around us from family to friends until finally God has us all to himself.   Now I'm excited to see what kind of things he has in store for us!

Surprised by Grace: The Gospel According to Jonah: Kingsway Community Church