Broken Hearts and Spiritual Victories.....

It's been a week now since my last post.  I'm completely overwhelmed at the response I had from my "call to prayer" last week.  I had so many people reaching out to me, and praying for us!  I had people telling me how much I've helped them over the years and how much I mean to them.  It was really amazing how far a little openness and honestly goes.  I'm so thankful that those people have reached out to me and have been continuing to pray for our family!  Your prayers, thoughts, emails, and encouraging words have not been in vain.  Ever since I posted that blog last week, things have gradually picked up in our every day life and we are slowly getting our household back in order.

 People look at my faith and see me as a strong Christian mother.  I get comments all the time about how people wish they could raise their children the way I do, or wish they could have a relationship with God the way I do, and often I feel so much pressure to be that perfect parent and Christ-follower in order to live up to their standards.  For years my biggest fear was that someone would see me mess up and it would effect their decision to follow Christ.  While that may be true in some cases, I don't believe it's true in mine.  I believe that people can appreciate that I am not perfect; matter of fact it may make people feel a little relieved to see that we have struggles just like they do!  The last several years when people say those things about me being "amazing" I cringe because I feel a long way from amazing.  When we were in ministry one of the things I despised more than anything was when people put pastors up on a pedestal.  Yes, it's important to respect your spiritual leaders, but not worship them!  They struggle just as much if not more than everyone else.  I always felt like people were constantly watching me, constantly critiquing me waiting for me to slip up so they can call me out on it.  But I don't care what people see in me that they don't like, or that they feel is not "Christian-like"!  I do claim to be a Christian, I love Christ, I worship Christ, and if I were perfect I would not need Him, but I do, I need his salvation from sins.  

I'm taking an apologetic (defending your faith) class in college this semester.  We are reading the book Consider by Dr. Lew Weider and Dr. Ben Gutierrez.  In finishing the last few chapters tonight, the text really spoke to my heart and I wanted to share.  They were talking about how when shepherds lose one of their sheep they will leave their entire flock to find that ONE sheep.  Once it is found they put it over their shoulders and carry it back, breaking the leg of that sheep.  They will then hold that sheep until its leg is healed.  Because the sheep can hear the shepherds heart beating the entire time it is healing, it is guaranteed that the sheep will never wonder off again.  This is true for us as well.  Anytime we lose our way, or lose sight of our shepherd (Jesus), God breaks our hearts so that he can allow us to hear his heart so we will not stray, or lose sight of Him again.  I can honestly say that through all of our struggles I've been able to see God working, and hear his heart.  I'm so thankful for eyes and ears that Hear him.

Another great idea from the book is when you do feel like life has overwhelmed you and you can't see past things that are going on, keep a "spiritual victory" notebook.  Write down half-day, daily or hourly spiritual victories that happen throughout your day.  This will allow you to see what God is doing in the midst of your circumstances!  Sometimes we get so caught up in all the negative that we think God isn't there anymore- we have just lost sight of our focus.

So our next thing we are focusing on in our house is claiming a church family.  I've had such negative feelings towards the institutional church the last few years.  I hate how it has become, I hate how selfish and hurtful people can be.  I don't believe that the act of going to church makes me any better of a Christian; however, it does help us with our spiritual journey in order to to be lifted up, and have support and fellowship with other believers.  If the "church" is the "body of Christ" and the "Body of Christ" is His "believers" then "Church" isn't something you can go to.  We are the church; we should have fellowship with the church, a relationship with the church, love for the church, and respect for the church.  The mentality that if you are "not at church" you aren't "spiritual enough," or if you don't "join the church," you aren't part of the church is just outrageous.          And then there is the sad instances where you connect with church members, then you move on to another church and they stop talking to you because you aren't part of "their church" anymore.  While I know this is how our society functions with "churches" I just wish it would be easier for people to realize that Christians make up "church" not the act of going or the building or the specific people who meet in your building.  Church leadership of some institutions can be so quick to judge their people by their faults and condemn them under phariseedic standards instead of trying to refine them in love.    I am convinced more and more that the "church" is what is separating us from being "The Church" or "The Body of Christ."

All this aside, I do believe having a Church family is important for growth, accountability, and having support in our walk with Christ.  With that said we have found a great church that we believe we have found.  It's been difficult to be completely committed to it right now for us, 1. because of all the sickness we've had and 2. because of what I've written above.  I have not witnessed any of this at our new church so far, but we also have only been there a handful of times.  Every time we make it to church on a Sunday, something crazy happens the next week.  While I'm sure we will join the church eventually, maybe even the worship team, small groups, kids activities; our fellowship will not be limited to that specific group of people.  The #1 reason that I loved this church was because when we walked in and they saw our five precious girls people didn't say things like "don't you know how that happens" or "wow you have your hands full!'  They said things like, "WoW, five girls what an amazing blessing!" And, "I hope to have that many children eventually."  We are not the largest family in the church!!  Everyone there has several children, and everyone there homeschools!!  They have homeschool meeting for the mothers so the older mothers can encourage the younger mothers, they have dance class for the kids.  We are not "weird" because of the way we've chosen to live.  While I'm positive they are not perfect, and I'm positive we will not agree with everything there either....I'm thankful to have a church family.  While yes I wish church wasn't set up the way it is, I am still grateful for the people that God led us to!

So that is our next prayer, that we can get on schedule and have a good routine to become consistent in our new church home and that our experiences in the past will not hinder any relationships in our future.

**our spiritual victory for today: "no one was sick, Nathan was able to be at work, and we had no bad news"**  God is faithful!

Thank you again to those of you praying for our family!  We are so blessed to have so many praying friends!  Love and blessings to all of you!!