Broken Hearts and Spiritual Victories.....

It's been a week now since my last post.  I'm completely overwhelmed at the response I had from my "call to prayer" last week.  I had so many people reaching out to me, and praying for us!  I had people telling me how much I've helped them over the years and how much I mean to them.  It was really amazing how far a little openness and honestly goes.  I'm so thankful that those people have reached out to me and have been continuing to pray for our family!  Your prayers, thoughts, emails, and encouraging words have not been in vain.  Ever since I posted that blog last week, things have gradually picked up in our every day life and we are slowly getting our household back in order.

 People look at my faith and see me as a strong Christian mother.  I get comments all the time about how people wish they could raise their children the way I do, or wish they could have a relationship with God the way I do, and often I feel so much pressure to be that perfect parent and Christ-follower in order to live up to their standards.  For years my biggest fear was that someone would see me mess up and it would effect their decision to follow Christ.  While that may be true in some cases, I don't believe it's true in mine.  I believe that people can appreciate that I am not perfect; matter of fact it may make people feel a little relieved to see that we have struggles just like they do!  The last several years when people say those things about me being "amazing" I cringe because I feel a long way from amazing.  When we were in ministry one of the things I despised more than anything was when people put pastors up on a pedestal.  Yes, it's important to respect your spiritual leaders, but not worship them!  They struggle just as much if not more than everyone else.  I always felt like people were constantly watching me, constantly critiquing me waiting for me to slip up so they can call me out on it.  But I don't care what people see in me that they don't like, or that they feel is not "Christian-like"!  I do claim to be a Christian, I love Christ, I worship Christ, and if I were perfect I would not need Him, but I do, I need his salvation from sins.  

I'm taking an apologetic (defending your faith) class in college this semester.  We are reading the book Consider by Dr. Lew Weider and Dr. Ben Gutierrez.  In finishing the last few chapters tonight, the text really spoke to my heart and I wanted to share.  They were talking about how when shepherds lose one of their sheep they will leave their entire flock to find that ONE sheep.  Once it is found they put it over their shoulders and carry it back, breaking the leg of that sheep.  They will then hold that sheep until its leg is healed.  Because the sheep can hear the shepherds heart beating the entire time it is healing, it is guaranteed that the sheep will never wonder off again.  This is true for us as well.  Anytime we lose our way, or lose sight of our shepherd (Jesus), God breaks our hearts so that he can allow us to hear his heart so we will not stray, or lose sight of Him again.  I can honestly say that through all of our struggles I've been able to see God working, and hear his heart.  I'm so thankful for eyes and ears that Hear him.

Another great idea from the book is when you do feel like life has overwhelmed you and you can't see past things that are going on, keep a "spiritual victory" notebook.  Write down half-day, daily or hourly spiritual victories that happen throughout your day.  This will allow you to see what God is doing in the midst of your circumstances!  Sometimes we get so caught up in all the negative that we think God isn't there anymore- we have just lost sight of our focus.

So our next thing we are focusing on in our house is claiming a church family.  I've had such negative feelings towards the institutional church the last few years.  I hate how it has become, I hate how selfish and hurtful people can be.  I don't believe that the act of going to church makes me any better of a Christian; however, it does help us with our spiritual journey in order to to be lifted up, and have support and fellowship with other believers.  If the "church" is the "body of Christ" and the "Body of Christ" is His "believers" then "Church" isn't something you can go to.  We are the church; we should have fellowship with the church, a relationship with the church, love for the church, and respect for the church.  The mentality that if you are "not at church" you aren't "spiritual enough," or if you don't "join the church," you aren't part of the church is just outrageous.          And then there is the sad instances where you connect with church members, then you move on to another church and they stop talking to you because you aren't part of "their church" anymore.  While I know this is how our society functions with "churches" I just wish it would be easier for people to realize that Christians make up "church" not the act of going or the building or the specific people who meet in your building.  Church leadership of some institutions can be so quick to judge their people by their faults and condemn them under phariseedic standards instead of trying to refine them in love.    I am convinced more and more that the "church" is what is separating us from being "The Church" or "The Body of Christ."

All this aside, I do believe having a Church family is important for growth, accountability, and having support in our walk with Christ.  With that said we have found a great church that we believe we have found.  It's been difficult to be completely committed to it right now for us, 1. because of all the sickness we've had and 2. because of what I've written above.  I have not witnessed any of this at our new church so far, but we also have only been there a handful of times.  Every time we make it to church on a Sunday, something crazy happens the next week.  While I'm sure we will join the church eventually, maybe even the worship team, small groups, kids activities; our fellowship will not be limited to that specific group of people.  The #1 reason that I loved this church was because when we walked in and they saw our five precious girls people didn't say things like "don't you know how that happens" or "wow you have your hands full!'  They said things like, "WoW, five girls what an amazing blessing!" And, "I hope to have that many children eventually."  We are not the largest family in the church!!  Everyone there has several children, and everyone there homeschools!!  They have homeschool meeting for the mothers so the older mothers can encourage the younger mothers, they have dance class for the kids.  We are not "weird" because of the way we've chosen to live.  While I'm positive they are not perfect, and I'm positive we will not agree with everything there either....I'm thankful to have a church family.  While yes I wish church wasn't set up the way it is, I am still grateful for the people that God led us to!

So that is our next prayer, that we can get on schedule and have a good routine to become consistent in our new church home and that our experiences in the past will not hinder any relationships in our future.

**our spiritual victory for today: "no one was sick, Nathan was able to be at work, and we had no bad news"**  God is faithful!

Thank you again to those of you praying for our family!  We are so blessed to have so many praying friends!  Love and blessings to all of you!!

 

What I learned in 2010

When I think about how I teach my children about Creation, and how God made the earth and all that is in it. It just humbles me to think that he already knew all the lessons in life he was going to teach us before he ever created us. He already knew how to be the perfect father and didn't have to learn by trial and error. He knew what we needed because he knew us personally before we even knew Him.

Thinking back over the last year, I find it interesting how long it takes us humans to learn simple lessons God is trying to teach us. Some of us can sit and listen to a friend talk about their experiences over and over, and how painful the outcome of things were because of their mistakes; and then we go out and do the exact same thing and expect different results! Over and over again we do the same selfish, self-destructive things to ourselves and still we do not learn! I'm guilty as well of needing the Lord to hit me over the head with a brick before I can say "OH WOW! So that's how it's suppose to be!!" I feel like when it comes to life lessons from God, he teaches us in parts. Little by little, piece by piece he puts things together for us over long periods of time. Each year I feel like my life lessons have gotten more intense, more in depth and harder and harder to figure out what exactly God is trying to say at times!

2010 was a huge eye opener for me spiritually speaking. I believe that God has shown me one of the most important lessons of my life this year, piece by piece . For the last 12 years, I've gotten up on Sunday mornings, put on my Sunday best, put on shoes that make me grit my teeth in pain and went to "Church." I'd walk in say hello to whoever crossed my path on the way to my seat and do whatever ministry duties I had that day. Some days I'd sit behind/beside people and listen to them talk about what that person was wearing in the Choir, or this person's shoes or that person's hair style; and some day's I felt like it was a huge fashion show that I was not classy enough for. Some day's were better than others, there were some day's I could walk in and out and have not ONE person notice or say hello to me; but some day's when I would be so caught up with talking to people I couldn't get out of the building. I felt that people based my faithfulness to God on my attendance, how much I volunteered or how much money I gave. I'm not speaking of one particular "Church" that I've attended, but several of them. My overall experiences in "the church", I have to say has not been so great!

I found myself pulling away from "The Church" (not one in particular) wanting to seek the Lord on my own. I felt that I had grown more from spending my Sunday's and Wednesday's pouring over my bible myself, then I had in the last 12 years sitting in "the Church" building. As this began to happen in my life, the Lord piece by piece began to bring people into my life to explain to me what "The Church" really is! Last summer, I believe it was, we received a visit from my husbands old roommate in College; Pastor Jamal Jivanjee. Jamal started talking to us about a book he was reading called "Pagan Christianity" He told us all about his thoughts on "the church" and how a lot of things we do today in "the church" are old pagan traditions. He talked about how "the church" isn't a building full of people but a community of people. I listened to Jamal talk and my first reaction was "I like the traditions".

As time went on, my husband was asked to lead worship for a friend of ours at a new church plant one night. After the worship, we talked to him about the model of "the church" it seemed similar to what Jamal had talked about. The thing he said to us was "if you are ready to be a missionary in this county then this church is for you!" Basically it's a group of believers meeting together in a house, reaching out to non-believers in their neighborhood. Then eventually someone will start another community in another neighborhood and on and on. But the emphasis here is not on "Growth" of "the church" it's on growth of "THE CHURCH"; reaching non-believers.

For months we talked about this new "church" model. And for months I wrestled with what this meant for me, and for my future. Then last week I finished the most life changing book that brought everything God has been trying to show me together! "Radical" by David Platt.

I've learned this year that "The Church" is what has been separating The Church from being "THE CHURCH" - Yes you heard that right. WE are the church, our body is the Temple. The holy spirit does not just move at the alter of a building, or in the presence of one man standing on the pulpit preaching a sermon. The Holy Spirit moves within the Temple, it moves within all of us not just one of us, we are a mobile church, in need of community with other believers. "The Church" is not a building, or a denomination, or a service that caters to seekers, and ignores believers; nor is it a service that caters to believers. It's not for our entertainment and it's not for our comfort. "The Church" is us, the body of Christ coming together for one common purpose. "The Church" isn't about how big we can grow "the church". Jesus only had 12 disciples of whom were not schooled, but trained to go into the world and teach the good news. Looking at the New Testament it seems Jesus was more successful with those 12 disciples then some "churches" are with 10k members! From my experience getting people to volunteer for things in "churches" is like pulling teeth sometimes. In the book "radical" it talks about people saying things like "that's just not my calling!" I for one am guilty of using that excuse myself, but it also talks about how when Jesus says "GO" it doesn't say "if you are called" because he has called everyone! It's not about being comfortable in our church buildings, and not stepping on peoples toes, the watered-down gospel doesn't satisfy; it's about being uncomfortable and offending people for the gospel!

Why it took me this long to be able to look at how Jesus did things and say "Hey that is how your suppose to do church" I have no idea. It has been right in front of me all this time and I'm just now being hit with the brick! It would make since that we would duplicate everything our Savior did, if we are Christ-followers. I mean really he showed us how to do everything from prayer to living a godly life; why wouldn't he have shown us how to BE the church too?

I'm thankful for the lessons the Lord has been teaching me. I'm looking forward to what he has in store for us in 2011 since I've finally grasped what he was trying to say to me in 2010. Praying for lots of spiritual growth this year! God Bless and Happy New year!