Baby Cooper #6

So as most of you have just found out, we are expecting baby #6!!  Nathan and I found out in December right after I had my 3rd miscarriage last year.  I wanted to keep it quiet until I knew everything was okay so we decided until I have an ultrasound and see the heart beating no one can know.  It was so hard to keep it quiet that long, every time I am pregnant I want to yell it from the roof tops and celebrate, but I just was a bit hesitant after so many losses last year.

I decided that this time I would go with a midwife instead of an OBGYN.  All the others I had with an epidural and under a doctors care, but this time I wanted something that was a little more fitting to my lifestyle.  I visited a local midwife about a month ago and absolutely loved them!! I had my first actual visit on Tuesday for an ultrasound and she spent at least 2.5 hours with me, just making sure I had all my questions answered, doing the ultra sound, and talking with my family.  It was seriously the best experience with a medical professional I've ever had in my life!  We brought all the girls to the appointment, she was very kind and told me how it doesn't bother her at all and how she has 4 kids herself!

When we went in for the ultrasound I finally told the girls why we were there.  I explained to them that God put another baby in my belly and that we were there to make sure the baby is healthy!  They were ecstatic!!  And were even more excited that we got to see the baby!!  The baby looked healthy, had two feet buds, and two arm buds, and a beating heart!

After seeing this I felt like I could breathe a bit.  I had been on edge for the entire 8.5 weeks expecting that something would happen at any minute.  While we aren't still out of the woods yet I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore.  The baby was alive and well and deserved to be celebrated!!  So I formed a plan to announce the baby.  I've learned over the previous 5 babies that any baby over 2, and our families tend to show concern.  Each pregnancy after 2 they had legitimate concerns that we could financially handle things, or maybe we should get a larger house and while those are legitimate concerns, these things are the easiest for me to trust God for.  God has always allowed us to have enough money to pay all our bills, plus extra, God has always provided clothes for our children, diapers when needed, and food.  God will also provide us with a larger house when its His timing.  So for me those things aren't important because God controls all that anyways, just like he controls how may children we will have.  So in order to get our families past those concerns I've learned that we have to announce the pregnancy in an exciting way!  So this time I decided to send flowers with a balloon to the grandma's at work that said "congratulations"  Then on the card I wrote "Congratulations on grandbaby # 17 (11), Due 9/6/13.  Love Nathan, Toneka, and The Minicoopers.

Overall our response was great!  I think everyone was pretty excited to have another little one on the way!  Especially our girls!

The baby is due on Nathan's birthday!  Which is very exciting!  So we will be spending the next 7 months trying to find a new house, and a 12 passenger van!!    So prayers that God's timing will come soon!!! ;)

Circles of sickness....

It seems like 2013 has been a lot longer than just a mere 14 days!  I seriously feel like I haven't see the sun in weeks, and if I do happen to get out into the sun I may just start to sparkle!! ;)  Life here in the Cooper house has been full of sickness since Thanksgiving.

This year has been the worse for us in the sense of sickness.  Prior to this year it was almost like clockwork.  When the weather changed from Summer to Spring we got sick; after a long early winter and once we hit mid January we ALL get sick, and then of course once we went from cold to warm in the spring...the girls got sick again.  This year has thrown me for a loop!  

We bought a membership to a local pool this summer.  We went swimming for an entire month and at the end of that month- we were sick the rest of the summer- ALL of us!  Everyone has been sick off and on.  One will get sick then all will be well for a week and then someone else will get sick.  We've seemed to hit our peak right now and haven't been able to get a break.  

Right before Thanksgiving I was sick, as well as a few of the girls with colds.  Then a week before Christmas we got the stomach flu!!  My poor husband was a saint!  We were all sick at the same time except for him.  He had the girls laying in a circle in the living room with blankets and pillows and a puke bucket beside their heads.  I was in my bed also with a puke bucket!  One bucket would get full, he would go wash it out and another would get full.  It was continuous for over 14 hours!!  He did nothing but wash out puke buckets!!  He slept for two  days after that !!  lol

We were all well a few days before Christmas (I have no idea how long it lingers though) and seems like we ended up spreading it around a bit on Christmas Eve to family:/.  We also had a visit after the New Year from my Brother in law and his family- again they also go the virus two weeks after we had all been well!!  Of course they could have picked it up anywhere but you never know.  

Then we were hit with strep, and cold viruses that we were told we can't do anything about but wait it out and let the whole family contract and get over.  And then Nathan's back started acting up.  In the last two weeks I've never seen him in as much pain before.  He has been in such severe pain that his medication isn't working, he can't stand up, he is constantly having to alternate between hot and cold compresses and the pain has caused him to get sick to his stomach, and become dizzy.  At first we couldn't understand what was going on with him getting dizzy and sick-we thought maybe it was a virus, and then we finally put together that it was happening every time he was in severe pain.  So-  we are again contemplating surgery and will be calling his pain management doc this afternoon.  

Friday night Sweet-pea came down with a high fever of 103.5.  I gave her a bath- ibuprophen and tylenol every few hours, the normal "get the fever down" routine.  I decided to take her to Kidmed but when we got there they were closed!  I went to another urgent care facility but they didn't take our insurance so I ended up back at home with hopes that we would make it through the night.  She went to bed only to wake up again a few  house later at 103.5 again.  We went through the routine again and this time it went down to 102.5 and within an hour it was back to 103.5.  We called the doc and they seemed to think she was okay; however, after watching her continue to have rapid breathing and congestive cough I was convinced she had pneumonia!  We took her to the ER and that was her diagnosis!  She was a little better today.  Her fever was down, but still there and she was a cranky mess, but she was on the mend.  

Somewhere between Saturday and Sunday Hobble-Bobble, Little Bear, Goobies and Pumpkin have all come down with some type of respiratory problem that has needed a nebulizer.  When we tried using it, it wouldn't work!!  We pulled out our back up and it still wasn't working!!  So we called all over town trying to get new parts for it and NO ONE had parts that were accessible this weekend for them!  Thank God that they weren't horribly severe!!  Until tonight!!

Pumpkin got up at 3am gasping for air.  She had severe croup and her chest was tight and heavy and hurt.  We have dealt with her and croup since she was a baby and until the last two times she has had it, it hasn't been this bad.  Tonight was the worse.  I put her coat on her and stuck her head in the freezer like the doctors suggest.  She sat there for a while and was still wheezing desperately!!  Nathan and I started to make plans for who should take her to the ER sense our nebulizer wasn't working, and there was no way we could let it go.  After an hour of giving her water and sitting her in the freezer, I decided to pray over the nebulizer.  I plugged it in and it WORKED!!  Now after three treatments she is still not sounding very good.  I gave her some benadryl in hopes that it will help, but if not we may end up at the ER or Doctors office sometime again today anyways.      

In the midst of all of this, I started my classes on Saturday!  It has taken everything I have to not drop my classes this semester!  All I want to do after they go to bed, is going to bed!!  I just have to keep telling myself - it will be over before you know it!!!  Until then-  I'm going to continue pressing on because it will one day be worth all the sacrifice-  right?  

Oh and just to clairify-  this is not a post of me complaining, but me just sharing what life is like with you.  In the midst of our worse day-  all of us puking in circles- I would not trade my life for any other!  I have more love than I know what to do with at times!  I am a very blessed person!   

2012 Overview

2012 was probably on the list of Top two hardest years of my life.  However, it is probably also one of the top two years that has changed my life for the better.  I have experienced more loss in the last year than I have in my short 30 years on this earth, but I have also experienced more life lessons this year than any other year as well.

I feel that the Lord has used 2012 to clean out my life, fertilize the soil, and get it ready for all new seeds to start sprouting in 2013.  I'm looking forward to many things this year: new friendships, continuing my college courses, finishing out the school year homeschooling my girls, and waiting on any new blessings that God would want to throw my way.  

Pumpkin will be 7 feb. 5th this year.  I cannot believe she is going to be so big already!  In 2012 she learned how to swim, joined the swim team, was a cheerleader for upward, and started the second part of 1st grade.  She is reading well now, and  loves horses, my little pony, video games and spending time with friends.  

Little Bear was 5 this past May (2012).  Little Bear swim lessons this year, she finished out her ballet class in June, and also was a cheerleader for upward this fall.  She started Kindergarten this year and is starting to read now.  She really loves dress up and anything that has to do with fashion!  

Hobble-bobble was 3 this past June, She was too young to do anything with her sisters this year so far as activities, but she loves Veggie Tales, Spiderman, Larry boy, and My little pony.

Sweet-pea was 2 this past August, she loves pinkie-pie pony, and my little pony.

And Goobies was 1 in September.  She is talking a bit now and has, for some reason, decided once she turGooned a year old that she wanted to start taking a passy!  I have NEVER had a child have a passy past a year old so I'm a bit worried about her teeth.  I try my best to hide it but she somehow ends up finding it or one of the other girls gives it to her.  She is very loving and is always hugging and loving on her sisters!  

Nathan and I have been waiting on an answer to a contract we put on a short-sale for the last 90 days.  We have been praying for God's will in the situation.  I would love to have a larger house for  all of us, however I do love our little ranch in the summer time.  With spring coming up and I am about to start planning for our garden, part of me doesn't want to leave our house, BUT if God did give this house to us I would not be opposed either.  

The shop down town moved locations this past fall as well.  Nathan and his dad moved the shop into the James Center which was just a block away from the old location.  It is so beautiful down there and we are so excited to see how God blesses the shop this year in the new location. 

Nathan's back is still about the same.  He was doing really well when we went to the doc back in August.  They told him to not schedule the surgery and put it off longer, however, the minute the cold weather hit he has been in severe pain again.  Of course some days are better than others, but we are looking forward to the warmer weather so that his pain will decrease.  

I start my classes back on the 14th this month.  I have changed my program to Religion with a Minor in Christian Counseling.  I take my first Counseling class this semester so I am very excited about that.

We are all looking forward to see what 2013 holds for our family and praying that whatever it holds that God will be able to use us all for His Glory.  

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

    

Thank you.....

So today is 1 week since we lost Baby Joy.  I was completely overwhelmed with the positive response I received from my post about our loss.  I had people I haven't talked to in a long time reaching out to me and comforting me, letting me know that I wasn't alone in what I was experiencing or feeling.  It was because of that and all the prayers I was able to get through last week as gracefully as I did.

I know I probably didn't take it as hard as some, although maybe I took it harder than others, but I was able to see God working in the situation and that gave me hope and the ability to pick up and keep going.  I took about three days to mourn.  It was a lot harder than I thought it would have been before I experienced something like that. Since then, I've had mixed emotions, but for the most part I am doing okay.

The one thing I've experienced (that I was told I would) was the fact that it will never go away.  That baby will always be a part of  my life.  This is so completely true!!  This is probably the hardest aspect of things.  I find myself thinking "at Christmas time I would have been telling everyone that we were expecting"  like we had planned.  I've caught myself thinking about how far apart Jubili and this baby would be.  Thinking about how far along I would have been this week, how big the baby would have been.  I honestly didn't think that I would do those things.  I thought I could mourn, and just pick life back up and go on but I really can't without this baby being in my daily thoughts.

 I never realized what a connection I have to these babies at such an early stage until now.  And what a special gift that God has given us to be able to love a baby so unconditionally and so fully before we have even met them, or even if we don't get to meet them!  It makes me understand the Love that God has for us just a little bit better.

Anyways I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has sent me your prayers, comments, messages, phone calls, texts....your support has not been forgotten or taken lightly.  I've learned that it's in these very moments we know who our true family, and friends are, as well as who our new friends should be!  Thank you, words cannot express the gratitude I have for all of you!

Dealing with our loss........baby Joy

This blog is not about seeking attention or sympathy, I have debated for the last 24 hours if I really wanted to write this or not because it may be one of the most personal things I've shared on here.  I've prayed and prayed about it and I came to the conclusion that God never wastes our pain, and if this post can help one person who needs to hear what I have been through the last three days then I am more than willing to lay all my personal stuff out there no matter what hurtful comments I may get.  I realize most people keep these things to themselves but I believe my life is not a normal life.  I believe that my life belongs to God and that every single thing that I go through he wants to use to help someone else, and he wants to use for his glory.  So as you read this  and maybe comment, please do so gracefully and think before you speak.

The Lord has given me the gift of dreams.  To some that may sound strange but for the last  9 years God has spoke to me with dreams.  I've had dreams of what is coming, dreams about what has happened and why and dreams that just haven't made sense yet but I know are significant.  I had a dream when I was pregnant for my first child that I was having a baby boy.  I saw him born, I held him in my arms I felt his warmth and kissed his head.  I saw his face, and that face has been embedded in my mind ever since.  When I was pregnant with my fourth baby I had another dream about this boy, he was older around 4 years old, he was the youngest and I saw him standing at the front door of our house.  He was mild tempered, sweet, a mamma's boy of course.  His dirty blond hair laid perfectly over the top of his head and he spoke so sweetly.  I've held onto these dreams because before I was pregnant with my first child God gave me a name for a baby boy.  Yet I've had 5 little girls.

Don't get me wrong there have been many times that I've doubted my dreams and thought they were just dreams, but so many times they have been right....I had a dream my sister was pregnant with my niece...she was!    I had a dream a friends husband was being unfaithful...he was and many many more.  Anytime I doubt these dreams, I have ended up regretting it because they come to pass.

So needless to say I have been praying for the baby boy for a long time. I think that if I didn't have these dreams of him, the name, Nathan and I may have not had as many children as we have.  I believe God has given me this hope of a boy in order to open our hearts to so many children.  And maybe I'll never get the boy but even if I don't I know that his reason for giving me that desire is to widen our hearts for more children, because when we first got married we only wanted 2.

Our youngest child Goobies, turned one year old on September 14th this year.  She is now 14mo. old and this is the longest we've gone without having a child after the last one was born.  We went the last year not having any desire to have another child yet because we have so much going on that I actually prayed and asked God to give me at least a year break!  And he has.

Thanksgiving day this year my husband and I spent with family.  We saw my family then went to his parents house.  We had the kids spend the night there so that we could do some black friday shopping for their gifts this year.  While we were out I just got a feeling that I needed to get a pregnancy test so on our stop at Walgreens that is what we bought.  The last month we both have been having baby fever and desiring another child but we have a rule that we do not "TRY" we just let God give us that blessing when it's his time.  So we came home to rest after a few hours and I took the test....it was positive!  I waited a few more days and took a few more tests and they were all positive!!  We were SO excited, but decided not to tell anyone just yet.

 I started having symptoms, even started trying to prepare for when the symptoms really kicked in in a few weeks.  But we didn't prepare for what happened next...

On Tuesday evening, I had a dream that I had lost a child.  Someone had cremated the baby and put its ashes in a baby coffin.  When I got there after getting a call that my child has passed away, I was devastated and crying but also had joy in the midst.  I was devastated because I did not get a chance to see what child it was that passed, but I felt joy like everything was going to be okay.  I took a bag of chocolate and laid it on the ashes and then I woke up.  I thought at first the dream was about Pumpkin and Little Bear because they were having their first sleep over the next day...I thought it was just me being a clingy mother, but I had this achy feeling that something was wrong, but I pushed it aside.  I then started thinking about the pregnancy and realized that some of my previous symptoms had disappeared, but then I realized I still had one of them so I felt okay.

The next day after picking up the girls from their party, I realized I was starting to lose the baby.  I went to the ER and they weren't really much help except to confirm what I already suspected, and then after talking to my OB the next morning I knew what was happening for sure.  I felt like I was just hit by a truck!

I remembered being there for several friends and family when they had lost their children like this, and I remembered thinking "I'm not sure I would be that upset if I lost a child that early, after all it's hard to believe it's real anyways till you get the first ultra sound"  boy was I ever wrong!  I've decided that losing a child this early makes the top 3 list of worse things to happen in life.

  I talked to a few friends, my sister in law who has been through this, she was such a blessing.  She helped me so much and I was able to really deal with the grief and accept it and find peace through it quicker than I though I would.  She encouraged me to tell the girls that they had a sibling in heaven, and to give the baby a name because after all it still was a child.  I quickly picked a girl name because even though I wanted that boy this time, I just felt like it may have been a girl.

I sat down with my oldest two, Pumpkin and Little Bear, and I explained that the reason mommy had been so sad and had to be at the hospital was because God had put a baby in my belly, but the baby stopped growing and passed away.  It is now in heaven with Jesus.  They stopped for a minute and processed all that I said, I saw their sad faces and then all the sudden they both at the same time started smiling and looking at each other and both blurted out "WOW MOM YOU SHOULD BE SO EXCITED!!! YOU HAD A BABY!!!!  LOL  At first I didn't think they understood what I was trying to say to them so I tried saying it again..."no you don't understand...the baby didn't grow, it was so tiny we couldn't hardly see it, and it died, it's in heaven with Jesus!"  and again they both started giggling...."MOM you had a baby!!  What if we have a brother in heaven!!??!!  I'm so excited!!"  lol.  I couldn't help but laugh and cry at the same time!  My sweet girls lifted my spirit so much and really gave me such a different perspective of what was happening.

They were right, I did have a baby and no matter what happened to it, I should be rejoicing that I had another blessing...even if I didn't get to see it.

During the day I tried hanging onto my girls' words but my grief would get the best of me.  I prayed over the dream I had trying to make sense of the whole thing.  I also asked for God to surround me with people who would pray me through this, but yet I didn't want to tell everyone yet.  I started getting messages from so many people telling me they didn't know what I was going through but they were praying for us....one in particular told me that God laid it on her heart that my pain was from the loss of a child.  That message in particular was so uplifting to me because I knew that God was really in this whole thing.

Later that day I realized what my dream had been about.  The cremation was because I was unable to see the baby, and of course I was upset because I didn't know who the baby was.  But the chocolate represented love and celebration, which is why I felt joy while I was pouring the chocolate on top.  I immediately thought about my daughters reaction "mom you should be so excited!! You had a baby!!"

They were right!  One thing God always reminds me during trials is that he never wastes the pain!  I realized that while it is painful, it was a blessing, another reward, and all children deserve to be celebrated.  That's when I decided to change the name I picked.  "baby Joy" seemed much more fitting.

I struggled with posting this because most people do not put this out there for the whole world to see, and I personally DID NOT want to do this, but I felt someone out there needed to hear it!  I realized that I needed to do something to remember "Baby Joy" so I put a life event on my facebook page that says "in memory of baby joy"  but I kept it private.  I've gone back and forth with sharing it or keeping it to myself.  What will people think, will they think that I'm trying to get sympathy, or will they make horrible comments like they did when the Duggar's lost their baby about how my poor body needed a break?  I didn't want any of that! I just want prayer and that's it!  No I'm sorry's, nothing because I know it was God's will...I know he had a purpose!

I believe that this baby's purpose was to give me joy and to show me how to have joy in the midst of one of the worse things a woman can go through.  In her short life, she was able to give my husband and I a renewed excitement of being parents, and me a renewed excitement of motherhood.  And while I did not get to hold that baby in my arms, I loved it the moment I knew it existed, but I know that it is in a better place being held by an even better parent than I could ever be.  Our baby has gone home to wait for us, and I look forward to seeing her one day.

Until then,  I am hanging onto God's promises, I am still going on with life, and still have my moments of grief, but when I think about her I think of Joy and I believe that is God's promise to me...to rekindle my Joy.

I am so thankful for all your prayers, it really has made this whole thing easier to go through.    
  

 

Mamma Do you Love me????

I woke up this morning and my first priority was to get my house in order.  I have been working non-stop for weeks trying to get things back in order, and re-arrange the girls rooms.  They were all in the same room for a while and we separated them into two rooms.  Of course when we did that everything from cleaning out their rooms made it into my room and into the living room and the rest of the house became a good mix of chaos, then add that to the 13 days I was at the hospital with my dad last month that hasn't gotten caught up yet and we have ourselves a little nightmare!!

I've been studying about the New Testament in my Bible 110 class I'm taking through Liberty University.  I am a Religion major so I'm loving the bible class!  The last few weeks though I've been noticing that Simon-Peter, one of Jesus' disciples has been really sticking out to me!  Now, last year I wouldn't have been able to tell you any of what I'm about to tell you about Simon-Peter because I didn't know anything about him, except that he was a disciple.  But just stick with me through this and you will get where I'm going with all of this.

  First of all (just a few things you need to know) he does not listen very well, but has a strong personality.  Jesus called to him three times before he committed to following him.  When Simon first came to Jesus, he was actually brought to him by Andrew...he didn't willingly go in search for Jesus, but when he found him he responded to the call of Salvation, Jesus right away changed his name from Simon (which means listener) to Peter (rock).  Simon was FAR from a listener, and seems to be a stubborn man which I believe is why Jesus gave him the name Peter.  (John 1:42)

The second calling to Peter was when he and Andrew was in their boats casting their nets.  Jesus tells him to come and follow him, asking him to commit to service.  He told him he would make them fishers of men.  (Mark 1:16-17)

The third calling was in Luke 5:1-11.  Peter had been out fishing all  night casting his nets and he had pulled everything in and was ready to quit when Jesus told him to head back out and cast out his nets.  Keeping Peters personality in mind (not being a listener, but stubborn) replied back to him, "Master we have toiled all the night and have taken nothing, nevertheless at thy word I will let down the net."  Notice Jesus told him to let down all the nets, but Peter (and I can imagine him being a little grouchy and irritated from being up all night fishing) said he would let down THE NET.  ONE net!  After he let down his net they caught so many fish that their boat started to sink. Peter then fell at Jesus feet and called him LORD.  This was when Peter finally committed himself to Christ.

So today I decided was the day to move around my bedroom, box up a bunch of boxes for storage, get out the clutter, and I had plans to just work hard on my room!  My room is the catch all, if people are coming over everything gets put in my room, if the kids come in here so do their toys, if we don't have a place for things, guess where it ends up!  So it was time to take back my room!!  I started at 9am picking up all the stuff off the floor, then moving my bed to the other side, then the dresser, and then I had to put it all away.  About half way through I found myself looking around wondering if anyone would notice if I just left it that way and didn't finish!  lol  It was a disaster!!

During my cleaning session the kids were kinda doing their own thing.  PBS kids was on the TV, a couple of them were in Pumpkin's room playing, then they would go back to watching tv, the baby would wonder in my room and love on me then she would head back out.  Sweet-pea kept coming in  and I would just tell her to not touch things, then scoot her on out the door so I could get finished.  Around lunch time I got them lunch and they ate while I continued working on my room.  I just kept saying "I have got to get this done today!!"  Nap time came and I put the kids in their beds and told them to stay, and again I went back to cleaning and packing and putting things away.

Around 4:00 (7 hours into my project) the kids were again playing and romping around in their rooms and in walked Sweet-pea again.  She walked right up to me and said "mamma do you love me?"  At first I was taken back by what she said and was a little surprised and said, "Of course Sweet-pea, I love you!"  Then she looked at me again and said "MAMMA  do you love me?"  Again I said "yes baby I love you!"  Then again she repeated, "MAMMA DO YOU LOVE ME?"  at this point I was puzzled and changed my reply to "Honey, I love you with all my heart!!"  She said, "with all your heart!" and walked out!

I couldn't get this out of my head the rest of the day.  I kept thinking about when Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, in my head but then I'd just push it aside and thought, she was just being cute.  So tonight after the girls went to bed I did my school.  I was about to go to bed when I heard in my head "Mamma do you love me?"  I began to think about our life the last few months and how hectic it has been.  I've gotten in that mode again where I have a mission to get something done and  I do it and just kinda go through the motions of making dinner, and lunch, and changing a diaper then getting back to what needs done for the day while the kids are occupied.  But I kept thinking about Peter!!

In John 21:15-17 it says " When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."  Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."  The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep."

The first time Jesus asked Peter "do you truly love me" he used the greek word "agapao" which is normally used to describe the type of love that God has for us, it's a unconditional love, a committed love.  But Peter replied  "Lord you know that I "phileo" you!"  Which is a brotherly love.  Peter was also referring to the fact that he had denied Jesus three times when he was crucified, so he probably was thinking  "what is he thinking asking me if I am capable of loving him this way look what I did!"  Again Jesus asks "Do you "agapao" me?"  And again Peter Responds "Yes Lord you know that I "phileo" you!"  then the last time he says "Peter do you "phileo" me?

Picturing this conversation I can see Peter feeling taken back by the question the first time, feeling a little shocked that he asked him that.  Then the second time I'm sure he was getting frustrated, and then finally when Jesus changed the way he said it Peter was beyond frustrated.  Looking back it took Peter three time to actually commit to following Jesus, three times he denied him, and three times he was told if you love me feed my lambs, take care of my sheep, feed my sheep.  If you love me you will obey my commandments!    GO, bring in the sheep, feed the sheep pastor the sheep!

When my dad was in the hospital an old friend came up to visit who had recently started a church.  He and his wife have five children as well, most in college.  I had a few minutes to visit with him and so I asked how the church was coming along.  He told me that it was doing great and they have a steady number, but it was on the smaller side.  He told me that God had really put on his heart that growing a church was the same as raising his children, he had to invest in the hearts of the people in his church the same way he had to invest in the hearts of those children.

So this evening when my baby looked at me and asked "Mamma do you love me?"  She was asking me if I was invested in her heart!  Will I lead her, fill her with God's word, and guide her along the right paths in her life?  I've been so convicted recently about parenting with a gentle spirit and when we discipline to discipline by address the problem in their hearts not the outward problems, so when she said to me what she said It just completely blew me away!  I get so busy sometimes and I don't realize that I just shoo them along, and I don't realize that I haven't sat down and snuggled with them today.  So while yes we should be a light to the world, we should bring in the sheep, fill them with God's word, and pastor them....we can't let our children get lost in the herd.  Sometimes things get so chaotic that we don't realize that they haven't had that mommy time or daddy time today.  Lead, pastor, and fill your children, their hearts are crying out for it...I know my children are.  Tomorrow we are going to have lots of snuggle time!!

Dad is doing better.....

So many times this week I've found myself asking, "God why do you trust me with so much during the times that I feel so weak?"  It seems every time I feel like "okay I've got this thing" in life, that things twist and turn down another unexpected path.  I believe I should have a doctorate in chaos by now and a Masters in dealing with stress!  lol  God has done so much in my life the last two weeks I just don't even know where to start.

Being a mom of five children 6 years old and under, life can be overwhelming at times.  I think the last year has been a bit more overwhelming because we were just getting used to having baby number four when baby number five came along.  At times I feel like "okay we got this thing."  but then the kids change, life changes and everything is out of my control!  There is no rule book for having a large family.  I know some people think I am crazy for having so many children, and even more crazy for wanting more, but in the midst of the worse day we could have, is the best days of my life.  Sure I may get frustrated, I may even complain a bit but I wouldn't change the course of my life for anything.  There has never been a day when I have wished that I had a smaller family!  Now, I have had days when I thought, "was I crazy for wanting so many children?"  But never would I want to go back to not having them, and nor would I feel like I would not want more children.

I've spent the last two weeks trying to teach my girls a valuable life lesson.  On October 1st, I received a call that my dad was in the ER.  My father has struggled with heath issues for the last six years so when he is in the ER it is usually because of something major!  My first priority in life then changes, making sure my mother is fed, and taking care of herself emotionally and physically, as well as making sure I am there for my dad goes to the top on my list.  I have the most supportive husband ever and we are always on the same page with these things, so the first thing he said when he found out about my dad was, "GO!"  And that is what I did for the last two weeks!

My girls have this amazing connection with me, yet it is frustrating at times.  My oldest really has a hard time when I am not around more than a day.  She begins acting out and being not quite herself.  When she was younger she would protest my being gone by pooping all over the floor...not that she is older it's more of an attitude change.  She gets upset and angry and treats her sisters and Nathan badly.  After a week of being in the ICU with my parents my dad was starting to stabilize and I was able to start being home earlier.  At dinner I asked her "why have you been acting this way, are you mad because mommy hasn't been here?"  She said "YES!"  So I was then able to explain to her that while my family is my first priority, when papaw gets sick or if mamaw got sick, we need to put our wants and needs aside to help them!  My family is healthy, and while with me gone it may turn to utter chaos,  the most important thing is being there for the ones you love when they are in need.  Sometimes we may not always WANT to do things, but doing the right thing is more important than doing what we want!  If I were sick like papaw, I would want my children to be there for me, loving on me, taking care of their dad, making sure I knew that I was not in this by myself...and that is what I need to do for papaw.  This was a huge lesson for the girls to learn how to put others before themselves!

I also realized that there needs to always be that one thing that I tell my children, that when I am gone they can look back and remember "mom always said.....".  So the last several weeks when we have our talk time I have made sure to include, "the most important things in life is to love God with all your heart, strive to be a Godly woman, and always remember that what we want to do isn't always as important as what the right thing is to do."  I pray that with this written on their hearts they will always think of this before they make decisions.

So 13 days later my dad is finally going home today!  It was a long, exhausting and emotional journey for all of us, but God was faithful and answered our prayers!  There was a period of time last week we did not think he would come out of this!  When I was in 3rd grade I remember my dad was diagnosed with an obstructive lung disease.  I was so scared he would die!!  I remember praying every night before bed "Lord please let my dad live to see my graduation!"  In June of 2000, my dad was sitting in the gymnasium of my High School watching me walk the line to get my diploma!  Then my prayer became "Lord please let my dad live to see my children!"  In February 2006, May 2007, June 2009, August 2010, and September 2011  he was there to hold my new born baby girls in his arms!  Since I know we are not done having children I know that that prayer is still valid!  But it has changed again recently, "Dear Lord please let my dad live to see me graduate college, see how my children turn out, and hold his great-grand babies!"  I believe that God will answer my prayer!

I am finishing up my last week of American History class this weekend, and spending time getting my house back in order from the chaos, my kids back in order with their behaviors, and our sleep schedules back on track before my new classes start next monday.  I am so thankful for the life lessons that God allows us to teach our children whether they will be painful, happy, shocking or sad.  I'm thankful that God continues to teach me and deal with my heart in the midst of situations like this, I pray that he can use me to help others see things in their own hearts that they need to deal with as well.  We should never stop seeking to be a better person, we should always continue to learn from what we go through, get back up on our feet (no matter how long it takes) and teach others to do the same from what we went through!

Huge thanks to everyone for praying for my family these last 13 days.