We have a date for surgery......

We've had a rough couple of days this week.  Nathan got his last shot for a while on Tuesday which has caused him to not feel very good at all the last couple days.  I don't know if it was the shot itself, the combination of the shot and his medication, or maybe he is coming down with the virus we've all had; but whatever it was he has not been himself.

Tuesday we packed up the kids and drove to St. Mary's for his last shot for a while.  The girls and I waited in the car while he went inside.  From the moment he got back in the car he was a mess.  His back has been in so much pain he cannot move!  Every time he has had a shot the next few days have been really tough pain wise.  One of the side effects is that his pain will become inflamed and this time that has been an understatement.  For two days, he has felt hot and cold, nauseous and restless, and has not been able to do anything.  My mother in law has been coming over to help watch the kids when I have errands to run because he can't do it anymore which has made things pretty tough.

 We also spoke with his surgeon's office Tuesday and they let us know that his surgery is scheduled for October 5th.  It has been a little emotional for both of us to actually have a date now when it will take place, but then again it's a little bit of a relief that he will not have to be in so much pain for much longer.  We will go back to Charlottesville in August for one last appointment before the surgery.  We will get all the details of surgery day and accommodations for the girls and I then.  They will also be taking a CAT scan of his spine then in order to plan out his surgery.  But for now we are trying to keep him comfortable which has been proving to be more and more challenging every day!

I wish we would have re-scheduled his shot for next week instead of this week with all we have going on!  Little Bear had recital photos yesterday, today is rehearsal, friday we have someone coming to give us a 2nd estimate on our fence for the back yard, and Saturday we will be running between recital and a wedding.  His shot put a little kink in things, so far as, him not being able to keep the kids when we go to rehearsal, and photos, and the grocery store etc.  But my mother-in-law has been a huge help.  She picked up some milk for us last night and took her lunch break yesterday to be here with Nathan & the girls so I could take Little Bear for pictures.  I've been really thankful to have her help!

So today Nathan will have physical therapy this afternoon, before we head to rehearsal for Little Bear.  I'm praying that he will feel well enough to at least sit in the car with them while we are there!  Meanwhile, I've been chasing Sweet-pea around the house all morning long trying to keep her diaper on her!  lol  This kid (21 mo) is determined to use the potty, and I'm determined she is going to wear the diaper!  Ever since Hobble-bobble has been going potty, she has had to be a big girl too!  She will pull off the diaper (poop and all) and sit on the potty until I come in a make her put on another one.  Five minutes later I find that diaper laying in the hall and her sitting on the potty!  lol  I am just so scarred from potty training Pumpkin that there is no way it can be this easy with Sweet-pea!

On the upside, I received an email last night from Liberty University, that I have made the Dean's list!!  My GPA was a 4.0 this past summer semester!  This is HUGE for me considering I haven't even made honor roll since Elementary school, and it's been 12 years since I graduated High School!  I never thought I'd actually be in college, let alone that I'd be on the Dean's list!  I just hope I can keep my grades up that high throughout the next 3.5 years!

So with that here is hoping our day goes smoothly today!!

Egg Shells.....

The one thing I hate the most about myself is my nervousness!  I get nervous all the time about stupid little stuff!  I guess it's more anxiety.  I get it when I'm around new people, groups of people I don't know, one person, I get anxiety when I'm trying to fix relationships with people, when something unbelievable happens in my life, when I'm driving, when Nathan drives to work, and most of all when someone else is driving.  I've had anxiety issues most of my life but never realized it was such a problem until the last few months.  At least two to three times a day something makes my heart pound, my chest heavy where I can't hardly breathe, and some kind of fear sets in; sometimes I get shaky and sick to my stomach as well.

The first time I ever dealt with anxiety was when I was 20 years old.  I was in several car accidents in a short period of time (all of them were the fault of others), and one in particular just really put me over the edge.  I stopped at a stop light and looked in my rear-view mirror; I actually watched another car slam right into me without even trying to slow down!  After that was when my anxiety showed up (or at least I was able to recognize it but I called it fear).  I couldn't drive a car for weeks without being in tears and shaking the entire drive!  It didn't help that the person I was in a relationship with at the time used my fears as his entertainment!  I would ask him to drive behind me on the way to and from places when we were in separate cars so that someone didn't tailgate me (when people got too close was when I panicked), and he would tailgate me on purpose the entire way to our destination, again causing me to be in tears the entire drive.  Anyways, so when I finally got over the not driving, and having to have someone drive behind me, I realized that I couldn't ride with other people because I would start panicking.  I would press my foot on the floor in the passengers side if I felt we were not stopping fast enough; I would also hang onto the side of the seat, and the door bracing myself the entire ride!  So I finally decided that I just can't let anyone else drive, and I would have to drive everywhere from now on, and I still do!  Occasionally, Nathan will drive, but not that often, and when he does that fear creeps back into my life.

This has effected me in other ways over the years.  And I didn't even realize it was anxiety until recently.  I have a fear of walking into a room full of people I do not know.  Because of this I did not take my ACT's or SAT's when I was in High School because I couldn't bring myself to walk into a room of people staring at me!  I often feel that I am the problem when things go wrong.  I examine, and re-examine myself during conflicts, I go over and over my actions and my words, and question everything I say or do within that conversation or confrontation, that might have caused the other person to react the way they did.  Even when things clearly are not my fault, I still find a way to beat myself up over it, "maybe if I had just said things clearer,"  "Why did I say it that way, it's not what I meant to say," and "I'm so stupid, WHY DID I SAY THAT!"  And then when things are my fault, it's even worse!  I start to panic that that person will never talk to me again, I get scared to even contact that person to tell them I'm sorry, I can't stop "wishing" in my head that I didn't say something the way I said it.  When I'm in a stressful conversation, or especially when I know the situation is very delicate and I need to chose my words wisely, is ALWAYS when I ramble or say something the wrong way and can't figure out how to get what I'm saying across.  My words get all jumbled up and I start to repeat things I've already said trying to re-think how to say it, and then....it's hopeless.    I end up ruining the relationship.  I've lost several potential friendships because of this and even friendships that I've had for years.

I don't know when I became so self-conscious, I guess it might have been throughout my last relationship.  I married my high school sweetheart after high school and it only lasted about two years.  If there is one thing in my life that changed me as a person it was this experience.  It never goes away!  While I don't have feelings for him anymore, and I don't feel hurt by what happened anymore, nor am I angry at him now, the ramifications of that event still effect my life every day!  Some days it's in good ways, but some day's it's in bad.  It has effected my entire personality, and every decision I make.  (**note** what I'm about to share is not to make him look like a bad person because I realize people can change, and genuinely hope he has).  During that relationship I was a battered wife.  Now, back then I would have NEVER considered myself a battered wife, and even after my divorce I still would not have even considered it; however, over the years and looking back at what I went through with him and how people who really love you are suppose to treat you, it was nothing less.  There were people I worked with who would constantly slip me pamphlets and phone numbers of shelters and programs that could help me (based on the things I would share with them), but I always thought, "well, it's not that bad!"  But it was!  I should have never stayed as long as I did!  Every argument was a fight.  It wasn't always a major fight but it was always a fight.  Occasionally, he walked away from me but when he did he left and I spent the next however many hours in a panic!  Other times it became something where he would break something; a piece of furniture, or pull a necklace off my neck and break it.  But most of the time, it was him pushing me into the couch, the bed, and not just once but over and over again.  The biggest fights that happened were things like being dragged down the hallway by my ankle, and thrown through a wall where I had to actually pull myself out of the wall.  I think I didn't think these things were abuse because I felt like I had brought it on myself because I would be so bold to him at times and I would try to stand up for myself.  He never hit me or punched me, he would just push and throw me a lot, as well as verbal abuse.

People just couldn't understand why I stayed and allowed him to treat me that way, but I stayed even till the very end until he decided he didn't want me anymore.  I never was strong enough to actually walk away myself, it took him cheating on me, and then him filing for divorce.  Even then, I told him I could forgive him and we could get passed it; I even refused to sign the papers for a while.  By the time I finally left, I felt like an empty shell of a person!  I was ashamed, angry, hurt, betrayed, and felt like my life was over.  There were things he said to me during that time at the end, things that have stuck with me and will probably always be with me the rest of my life.  Things like, "you will never find a man who would be willing to put up with you,"  "she is better than you,"  "I didn't want a baby with you because I can't stand the thought of your big fat belly."  These things always stick with me.  I remember being so afraid to say anything around him sometimes.  I felt like anything I said or did would make him mad even if I didn't mean it the way it came out.  Life was nothing but eggshells that was already cracking!  

After the divorce, I found myself so conscious of everything I did that I wouldn't do or say anything unless I was convinced that there was no way I could be wrong in my actions.  I became the most confident person on the outside because of this, but the most self-conscious person on the inside.  When I met Nathan I gave him such a hard time!  I was horrible to him!  I pushed him away over and over again because I was so scared that he would eventually find something about me that he couldn't stand, or even worse SOMEONE who was better.  I became convinced that everyone I love would eventually leave me, and I accrued friendships where I even felt I had to walk on egg shells.  But while there were some bad and still some bad, there have been A LOT of good!  God has put people in my pathway over the last several years who have been in the same situations.  People whose husband was cheating on them, people about to go through divorce, people going through divorce, and people who have been battered wives.  I have been able to have the honor of being there for these women and being able to talk them through their darkest days.  While a lot of people have been through divorce, not everyone is able to really connect with people who are going through it now.  I've been able to help women come to the realization that they are precious when they've been told they are not, I've convinced some to try to work on situations that were fixable,  I've actually helped women leave abusive situations and get them out safely, discreetly, and securely, and I've just been there for a shoulder to cry on or vent to.  I do this not just because it's what I feel they need at the time but because I remember how it feels to sit in an empty house on a holiday without any family or friends around wondering where your husband is and who he is with!  I remember the fear calling 911, and stepping out to get the restraining order.  If I only had someone there with me to help me with these things it wouldn't have been as scary.  So that's my ultimate desire.  I would love to open up a Women's shelter one day to help these women who are walking on "cracked eggshells."   I want to be able to tell them that I know it's hard to leave, and to build them up and give them hope when they can't see a future or are just completely empty and broken inside.

So yes, maybe I say stupid things sometimes, maybe I will have to lose some really great friends who are completely dear to my heart because I just jumbled my words and couldn't get out my thoughts or exactly what I meant.  But if dealing with such bad anxiety the rest of my life will make it possible for me to help bare another torn down woman's pain, and help them to see that God values their life and so should their spouse; then I'd rather be lonely the rest of my life!  Life isn't about me, it's about other people (and of course worshiping God).  I can't walk on cracked egg shells anymore because it makes me too afraid, too nervous and panicked, and hopefully one day I will have thousands of women who can say they can't either!  It's hard to walk out of egg shells without someone there to guide you.

A Day in the Life of the Coopers

So Today I decided to do a day in the life of the Coopers...well...really me.  It wasn't a completely typical day because today I had a mommy's night out; but you will get the idea!  Some of you already saw most of the photos on my facebook page today but here they are in order and with more explanation.

So our day started at 6:45am.  The kids were all 5 sitting on me, laying on me while I was still trying to catch that extra five precious minutes of sleep that would have made the entire day so much better!  Nathan got up before me and took them to the kitchen to start their breakfast so that I could work on getting out of bed; I am NOT a morning person!!  Once the kids were done eating Nathan got ready for work and I snuggled on the couch with all five of them...and some of them snuggled with each other.......

After about 40 minutes of television and snuggling so mommy could wake up, the television was turned off and all five girls went to their room to play until I was finished getting things together for school.  My sister gave me  a bag full of clothes she was getting rid of and in the bag was a huge soft furry robe, the girls stole it and Hobble-bobble sleeps with it as a blanket now it is so warm and soft.  Anyways Pumpkin and Little Bear came out both in the robe saying they were two headed sisters!  lol

Around 9:30am my sweet Goobies began getting tired and needed to go down for her nap.....

Then it was time to start school!  The babies played with puzzles and colored pictures while Little Bear worked on reading a few more words and writing and Pumpkin worked on her letter to her penpal....

While they were doing their busy work...momma worked too!  I printed, cut and laminated our new chore charts and hung them on the fridge so we could get started on them today.......

Then after school it was time for lunch.  While I cleaned up and put the school stuff away, Pumpkin made peanut butter sandwiches for everyone......

While they ate I started dishes and laundry and explained to them what their afternoon chores were and we got to it.....

After starting laundry I began unloading and loading dishes into the dishwasher but was interrupted when Sweet-pea decided to get a stomach bug and vomit all over the floor!!  So scrubbing the floor became my immediate priority (after her of course)!

Finally after an hour of trying to get the dishes loaded I had an empty sink!!!

Of course the relief of being finished with something didn't last long because when I came around the corner, into the living room I caught Hobble-bobble on the floor pouring out the baby powder all over the carpet!  So again I went scrubbing the floor!

And then left what I didn't get up for the vacuum, when I got to it.  So I then pulled out a few items to make some "respect" bracelets.  I had been having a hard time with the older girls teaching them to have respect for us and doing what we say when we ask, so I got this idea from a fellow homeschool mom's blog called My heart is at home. We did ours a little different, we only have 7 beads and our bracelets actually say RESPECT!

Then before I knew it, it was already 1:30pm!  The girls had finished their daily chores of emptying the bathroom trash, cleaning the bathroom sink, cleaning some of their room, and it was nap/quiet time.  Sweet-pea goes in her bed, Hobble-bobble goes in my bed, and Little Bear and Pumpkin were on the couch and chair looking at books for an hour.

During this hour I took time to re-organize our homeschool cabinet since it was a mess!  The kids get in there so often and pull things out and throw things in that it's just hard to find anything anymore...it was well overdue...  before:

After:

After the big girls were finished with their quiet time they helped me pick up the living room, and I vacuumed the floor....

When I was finished it was 3:00pm and the babies were still sleeping so I got the big girls ready to go outside.  As we were putting our shoes on to head out to play I hear coughing coming from Sweet-pea's room.  I sprinted back the hallway and found her laying sleeping in her own vomit!  It was in her hair under her head, in her ears so she ended up in the bath tub.....

And the big girls were sad because playtime outside had to be cancelled!! :(

But after the bath was finished, we pulled out a game and the girls all played "UNO MOO."  Even Goobies got in on the fun!!

So as they played nicely I received a phone call and felt like I was able to take a minute to talk.  I went into my room and was sitting on the bed.  A few minutes later Sweet-pea came into the room acting upset and whinny.  She pulled and yanked on me until I finally picked her up and sat her on my lap.  And then...yep...she vomited ALL over me!!  So I had another huge bag of laundry to add to my pile and another nice clean up session...

I finally got the kids settled down around 5:00pm with a movie.  No one was vomiting, no one was screaming they were all quiet and watching a movie.

So I went outside and threw some hotdogs on the grill for them for dinner since I wasn't going to be home for dinner tonight....

While I waited for them to cook I let the dog out, and watered the garden.......

Then I told Pumpkin she could come out and water their garden.........

When we finished, I rolled over the hotdogs and went back inside for the remainder of the time they cooked.  When I walked into the living room I saw Sweet-pea sitting on the floor naked trying to change her own diaper!!  LOL....

Once I got her diaper back on her I was relieved to see Nathan come through the door!!  We were ALL happy to see him!!

...but especially me because that meant I was able to finally take a shower!!  So I took a shower, did my hair, make-up, got dressed kissed everyone goodbye and was out the door for mommy's night out with a friend from highschool and two other amazing mothers!!  My friend won a mommy's night out at applebee's with three friends, and she picked ME as one of them!!  I was so honored to go with her!!

Once I found the place over in the west end, we had a great time!  We talked until almost 10:30 and then I was on a mission to get back home.....

Once I got home I talked with Nathan a few minutes and then went in to check on the babies.  They were all sleeping soundly.....

And then I ended the night with checking facebook, and writing this blog at 12:54am!

My evening is completely different!  I am usually on the computer after dinner working on my school work and then in bed by 12am!  Or spending time with Nathan watching a movie.  Anyways so this is a general typical day in our household...so if you were a fly on our wall today this is what you would have saw.  Goodnight!!

#3 is sick.....

So Tuesday we played catch up.  I'm still catching up from when everyone was in the hospital a few months back believe it or not.  What normal people with 2-3 children can do in one day, It takes me three months!!  So Today I did lots of laundry, dishes, and cleaned up the living room twice!  I did get the girls to clean up their rooms by making a game out of it.

After dinner I ran to the grocery store and got some snacks and a few things to get us through the week. When I got home I gave each kid a small pack of yogurt covered raisins to snack on before bed.  As I was on the phone with my sister in the bedroom, Nathan comes back there telling me that Hobble-bobble threw up!  When I came out to investigate, I realize that it wasn't much but she did.  I proceeded to get the girls in bed and worked on some school work while Nathan played Skyrim.  We headed to bed around 12:00 and I lied there watching a little tv and then read my book.  Before I knew it Hobble-bobble comes around the corner with her hand over he mouth heaving!  I jump up and push her into the bathroom and over the toilet and she vomits just in time to miss the floor.  We clean her up and put her back in bed with some water; thirty minutes later I hear a really strange noise!  I couldn't quite make out what it was but then I heard heaving and I ran into her room.  She was laying on her back with vomit all over her face and her hand over her mouth!!  And that is when panic set in!  Thank GOD I was awake and heard her and was able to get to her before she choked on it!  So Nathan helped run the bath and washed her while I stripped down her bedding, and made her a place on the couch for overnight supervision.

She is not running a fever but seems not to be able to keep anything down.  Once I got her on the couch I gave her a little sprite and within 10 minutes she was vomiting in her bucket again!  So I am all set up in our recliner with my book, and laptop taking the night shift again.  I'm hoping she just ate something bad and it's not a virus that we will have to have run through everyone again especially this time of the year when we have so much going on!!  Not a great time for everyone to get sick again!  So I guess the plan is to keep watch overnight and we'll see how she is in the morning!

Harassing Handicapped People.....

So Nathan had his physical therapy today at 2:30.  I was starting to get worried about him because it was almost 5pm and I had not heard from him  yet and he wasn't home yet.  Well finally he calls and says that when he got to St. Mary's the parking was horrid!  So he had to park in front of the Ortho building, he put his handicapped tag up and walked across to the hospital.  When he was finished he walked back to his car and had a note on his windshield that said, "we see you, is this really your handicapped tag?!"  and it had a card taped to it from the West End Orthopedic.  So he walked inside and asked for the lady whose name was on the card.  She said that she didn't believe that he really had a handicapped tag and thought he was using someone else's!  He asked her if she had a question about it why didn't she call the police instead of harassing him?  She told him because she didn't want to waste tax payer dollars and that they do this to people who park there all the time!   So Nathan took out his ID card with his name on it that goes with his handicapped tag and showed her that it was in fact his!

LOL- I just don't get why every time we are at St. Mary's we have stupid stuff like this that happens!! Seriously just because you think someone does not look handicapped doesn't mean they aren't!  And even then it's really none of her business what kind of condition he has and all over a parking space...seriously!!  If people have nothing better to do but to harass handicapped people then they need to find another job!  I'm just so disgusted with St. Mary's right now!  UNBELIEVABLE!!  What is even worse is the woman stated that they do this to everyone who parks there!! So sad!!

If you haven't heard from me.....

So yesterday we had a birthday party at pump-it-up for Little bear.  With everything going on recently I just needed a place that would take the stress out of it, and I wouldn't have to worry about anything.  I really didn't even put a lot of thought into much of it, I ordered a cake a few days before, had her gifts ready a week before, and sent invites through facebook of which again It was not well planned out because I left out a few good friends who we would have loved to have.  But overall it was nice, I had a blast with the girls- jumping and going down the slide with them.  I wish Nathan was able to do more but he did get to go down the slide a few times with the girls at least.  So one big event down and seems like A MILLION to go over the next two in a half weeks!

May 22nd through June 12th, is the busiest, longest, and most costly weeks in our entire year...every year!!  My weeks start to run together and this is the time that having a calendar is essential!!  So just this week we have (monday) Nathan's physical therapy, (tues) another shot for Nathan's back (we all have to drive up there and wait for 2 hours- this will be fun).  (wed) FREE (free days means cleaning day), (thursday) Nathan's physical therapy, (friday) I get to finish off the week having a mom's night out with a great friend from high school!!    Then next week is when the real fun begins!!  CRUNCH TIME!  (tuesday) Nathan gets another shot, (wed) Little Bear's recital photos where everyone has to be in full make up and dress, (thursday) Little Bear's dress rehersal for recital, (friday) Free day-cleaning, (Saturday) Little Bear's recital- then we run home drop the kids with grandma, change clothes and are off to the Jefferson for a wedding.  We then get to slow down until the next weekend when we have the homeschool convention, Hobble-bobble's birthday, and our Wedding Anniversary!     Throughout all this I will also be caring for 5 children, a husband who is limited in mobility, keeping up the house and going to college full-time.  So if you do not hear from me for the next few weeks this is why!  I am thankful that I've contracted some things out this year to take some of the load off me.  We have a nice man who comes and mows our yard every other week for only 35.00.  He does the trim and everything and all I have to do is the bushes (which I need to get on soon!).  This has been a HUGE help!  The yard has been the one thing that has been the hardest for Nathan to do, then last summer while I was pregnant I took over, and now this summer I just don't have time to even think about it!  

Well I guess I better get off here and get to cleaning before Nathan gets home from PT, I don't do well cleaning around him and tend to want to sit with him and spend time with him instead of going about my normal day!  I also need to make a trip to the grocery store so a grocery list will be in my near future!!  

~Happy Monday Everyone!

The perfect Saturday.....

Today was just a completely perfect day!  The weather was beautiful, and we just had the best family time ever today!!  We started out grilling out for lunch.  The girls played outside while Nathan grilled hot dogs.  We put a sheet down and all had a picnic, and then played frisbee.  We then loaded up the kids and headed out to run some errands.  Our first stop was Chesterfield Berry Farm.  The girls really love pretending that they have their own garden out back, and well, it's starting to become a little annoying having holes all over the yard where they've been trying to plant weeds!  (LOL)  So, a few months ago we emptied out the sand that was in their turtle because it was just TOO much of a mess!  We've had the turtle sitting next to the trash can for weeks debating on throwing it away.  So last night we decided to sit the turtle on top of a huge tree stump that every trips over, fill it with dirt, and let the girls plant their own flowers in it.  So our first stop was to pick out flowers for our turtle.  When we got home I dug out some dirt from our compost pile in the back and filled him up, stood back and let the girls go at it.  It's their baby!  They are in charge of weeding, watering and taking care of the whole thing all by themselves, and they are SO excited!!  (hopefully it will keep them from picking stuff out of my garden now!

After the Berry Farm we headed over to the library to return books and check out some more.  I challenged Pumpkin this summer to reading 100 books.  When she is finished we will have a little party with other homeschooling families who are joining us in this challenge, and then she will be able to pick out a toy from the toy store as a prize.  We just started mid-week last week and she has read 4 books so far, so we have a while to go but I believe she can do it!!  It has really encouraged her to read more instead of watch television (which I've been trying to limit more recently anyways).  Anyhow, she was able to get her first library card today at the library.  Little Bear and Hobble-bobble cried because they wanted a card too, so I told them that when they start reading their own books then I would take them and get them their own card too!  Hopefully that will be an incentive to finish Kindergarten this year for Little Bear so she can get started on first grade by fall!

So after the library all the girls fell asleep in the back of the car!  So I ran a few errands (1) to check out the pool we will be joining this summer, (2) pick up some ingredients at the Indian store, and (3) grab some hamburger and gas at Kroger.  Then we headed home to complete our projects and dinner.  I mad the girls hamburgers on the grill, and for Nathan & I,  Seek Kabobs on the grill.  And again we had a picnic outside and the girls played till almost 8:00pm!  Nathan and I dug up a few more flower beds around the back yard.  Since we have such a hard time with mosquitoes in the back, I have read that if you plant marigolds around the area it will repel the mosquitoes and other bugs.  SO I am on a mission to repel the bugs so we can enjoy our back yard a little better this summer.  We do have the most amazing back yard!!  Our house may be small but the back yard makes up for all of it!!
     Once it got dark out I took the girls inside and gave all five of them a bath, changed their bed-sheets, got their cups, and tucked them in the bed.  I pulled out two books from the Library bag and read to them, until they were fighting to keep their eyes open.
     We are very excited to see what tomorrow brings!  We will be going to pump-it-up tomorrow with some friends to celebrate Little Bear's 5th Birthday!  She won't be 5 till the 22nd but I just can't believe how big she is now!  It was just yesterday I was fighting to keep her from being born 10 weeks early!  I can't wait to celebrate with her tomorrow!  Hoping tomorrow is as amazing as today was!!